


Chaos and Order

by badjujuboo (miztrezboo)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Angst, Boys Kissing, First Time Blow Jobs, Kid Fic, M/M, Mutual Pining, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-22 20:44:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 70,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3742972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miztrezboo/pseuds/badjujuboo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was sixteen when his entire life was planned out ahead of him. Twenty-six when he realised that there was more than one road to travel on for the rest of it. A story about a boy who thought he knew what love was, only to properly find it once his heart was broken. A story about ducks and flying together being more of a metaphor about family and what a family can actually be than just animals. A story about a dad figuring out who he is without just being a husband to a wife in a job he hates with two out of three children who like him. But most of all, a story about finding yourself and being happy with all that comes with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Arielfabulous** gorgeous music for your ears playlist is [HERE](http://8tracks.com/tardispectre/chaos-and-order), thanks ever so for this brilliant mix!  
>  I can't even begin to thank **dramaturgicallycorrect** for jumping in to beta this bohemoth without knowing anything more than the pairing and that it was at 50k at that stage. HAHAHAH. I'm never letting you go. NEVER. You had me at "oh liam you donut"  
>  I can not THANK the mods of BB2k15 enough for their patience and dedicated hard work to getting this fest running this year and the years before. It's because of you we've had this PLETHORA of amazing LONG fic to read and I'm super glad about that.

**Part One**

 

It's quiet at the duck pond. Everyone is either at work or at home or doing whatever people do at half one on a particularly sunny October afternoon. The sky is clear and blue for once - the first time all week - with a few white fluffy clouds scattered across its surface. Liam tips his head back and closes his eyes, and breathes in and out. 

Nothing abnormal. Nothing new. Nothing different. Just the same as it had been before. The same as it has been every day that Liam comes down to this bench by the pond for his lunch break - a break he's been turning into an hour and more, once he realised the office never noticed when he wasn’t at his desk. They don't notice him turning the ringer on silent. He still gets paid just the same whether or not he's in there droning on about the texture of berber, or the difference between the Mushroom and the Doe. Even if he thinks that they are both basically shade of brown.

Brown is pretty much how Liam feels about his life right now. Brown and dull and boring and ordinary. So very, very ordinary. 

He lets his gaze fall back to his shoes. They used to be shiny once, but not anymore. They're scuffed badly at the front and the rubber’s near worn off on the outside of the heel from where he rolls his feet when he walks. Liam does a lot of walking. He walks from home to the train, the train to the bus, the bus for a few more streets to the building in which he near lives and breathes for ten hours a day only to repeat the same trip in reverse before starting all over again the next morning. Shampoo, rinse, repeat. 

How did his life get like this?

There’s a loud quacking at the edge of the pond followed by splashes and the flapping of wings as the group of ducks he'd been watching lift to the sky. He watches as they disappear behind some trees, his eyes not leaving the skyline for many moments after they've gone. The pond is empty now. Just the reflection of the clouds above and bits of floating debris swirling on the surface. Liam can just sit here and _be_ for as long as he wants. 

Except that he does need to get back, life doesn’t have a giant pause button as much as Liam would love it to. He checks the time on his phone, and figures that 1:38 PM is as good a time as any. He stands, brushing the crumbs from his trousers, and fixes the scarf around his neck. Just three more dull hours within his tiny office, and he'll be home.

 

: : :

He's barely got the door open when he hears it. 

Or hears _them_ really.

"Daddy!" 

He has a moment to brace for impact before Lilly's got her arms wrapped around his left knee and Jules on the right. They're talking a mile a minute and he can't help but smile, his eyes scrunching up so his girls are just this blur of honey hair and pink and purple ribbons below him. 

"Hold on," he says, waiting for them to sit themselves on his shoes and wrap their legs around his ankles as he shuffles them down the hall. The huff of air he breathes out as he does so is one that he used to have to fake when they were younger. Smaller. They're four, going on five next month and it still stuns him to see how big they are from the tiny little four pound nothings they were when they were born. They're both still a little small for their age, but it’s only Jules they have to convince to eat her veg now, and Lilly eats nearly twice as much as her twin. Her belly is a little bigger than her sister’s, but it's more space to blow raspberries on and tickle ‘til she's snorting. 

They're both giggling now, as he shuffles them down the hall to pick them both up, tucking them under his arms. They shriek and he roars like the Hulk and swings them around like they're the weights he used to lift once upon a time. Back when he was young and the only thing he had to worry about was if he’d finished his reading for English or if he'd trained hard enough for the track meet he had coming up. Back before nappy changes and two am feedings and crying about any and every thing at all hours.

It seems like such a long time ago.

"Dad, I'm trying to watch the news," says a serious voice from over the sofa.

"Well hello to you, too, Teddy," Liam says, putting the girls on the ground and leaning over to ruffle his son’s hair.

 _"Dad,"_ Teddy whines, ducking out of Liam's hand, pushing his glasses back up his nose, eyes never leaving the TV. "It's _Theo_ , not Teddy. I'm not a toy," he adds, little hands curled back into his lap. He's still dressed in his school uniform: grey slacks, pressed white shirt and buttons done up right to his chin, his tie perfectly knotted. The only part of Theo that still reminds Liam of the little boy that he would carry around on his shoulders for hours is the short brown curls that cover his head. Too tight to be like Liam's own when he lets it grow out long, and too loose to be completely like his mother’s. 

"I know that, Ted-Theo," Liam stops himself in time, still garnering a quick side eye from his son, who says nothing else but sighs anyway.

Liam feels that little piece of his heart ache in a way that it always does when Teddy brushes him off. He's only nine, but somehow manages to act like he's going on forty.

Liam sits down beside his boy, pulling out a Barbie doll that pokes into his back as he does. Its hair's been cut off close and there's a bead or a pin stuck into one side of it's nose. He wonders for a second just how long it is until he comes home to Jules looking the same, with an innocent brown eyed Lilly claiming no knowledge of the incident like she does every time something untoward happens to her twin. At least for now it's just the dolls she's practicing her cutting skills on. They did mention she was quite good with scissors in her last school report.

He can hear the girls in their room, giggles interspersed with some noises that sound like Jules is acting out her favourite scene in Transformers again. He really should wring Zayn's neck for letting them watch that. They're too young for all that violence, but Zayn can't say no to anything when it comes to his best friend’s girls. Especially when they cry. Liam found out later from Lilly that Jules actually pinched her to get the tears started. Their mischievous nature definitely comes from Danielle.

"Liam, ‘s that you?" 

Liam nods and remembers that she can't see him, Dani being in the kitchen and all, and calls back that he is.

"Dinner’s in ten. Think you could bathe the girls?" she calls back and Liam finds himself nodding again, not bothering to answer, because she knows he'll do it. He does it every night, why would tonight be any different?

"Do you want to get in before your sisters or after?" Liam asks Theo as he pushes himself up off the chair. Theo says nothing, doesn't even look up at Liam. "Teddy, do you want a bath first?" Liam asks again, this time standing right in front of his son who rolls his eyes in answer.

"No, _Liam_ , I just want to watch my program. I can have one after," 

"Don't call me Liam, Teddy. I'm your Dad," Liam says, heart in his throat because it _hurts_ every time Teddy says it. Makes him wonder when Teddy began not to like him, how he could have done something wrong that made their relationship so impossible for Liam to navigate. 

"Well, _Dad_ ," Teddy says, big brown eyes pointedly staring at Liam now, "when you can remember I’m nothing like the boy in those childish Harry Potter books that you made me read, maybe I'll remember to call you something that you want."

Liam doesn't know what to say to that, hates how he is so close, but feels so very, very far away from his son. He simply smiles a little apologetically, "Sorry, Theo. It's hard when it's all you've ever been to me. It's why we called you Theodore in the first place." 

Theo says nothing in return, just tilts his head to the side and huffs some more. Liam shifts over and heads upstairs in the direction of two little girls who he doesn't seem to have any trouble connecting with. The two little girls who - for now - still call him Dad and obviously want him around.

: : :

 

Liam's lying in bed staring at the ceiling later that night, hands under his head, deep in thought. It's been an hour since he put the girls to bed. He'd read the girls four different stories before they finally submitted to slumber. They're right into rhymes and things and absolutely adore the Dr Seuss novels that their Aunt Nicola bought them last Christmas. He was exhausted himself - eyelids fluttering while getting his tongue tied around The Cat in the Hat - but it didn't stop his little ladies from demanding one story after another, even when he'd tried to convince them that reading one of the longer ones was worthy of two. Still, it was worth it to lie snuggled up with their little heads on his chest, arms wrapped around him tight as one after the other their yawns grew in length until finally, they'd stopped making any noise at all. 

He can barely remember the last time he read to Teddy. It was definitely a few years ago. Teddy is incredibly clever - gifted, his teachers had said. He'd been reading to himself at age three, books that Liam could still enjoy with him, comics that he still wanted Liam to make voices for. Then things had changed. Teddy got into one of the private schools that Dani had thought would be good for him - a challenge. Picture books turned into chapter books, fiction became autobiographies; Liam just couldn’t keep up. 

Liam hadn't been that good with school work, just scraping by in core subjects, always trying his hardest, studying hard for every mark. He never planned on going to university or anything, but then again, he never planned on anything that had happened in his life so far.

Definitely not being a father of three before he was thirty. 

Especially not working in the world's most boring job just to make ends meet.

Nothing happens like it’s supposed to. 

He closes his eyes and rolls onto his side when he hears the shower turn off. Sometimes Dani likes to talk before they go to sleep. Sometimes Liam listens, offers sounds that make do instead of words. Sometimes. He wonders if she notices that he isn't paying attention. Sometimes, he wonders if she even cares.

 

The life they’ve built isn’t a bad one. Danielle keeps a tidy house. She started working part time at a little dance studio when the girls were three. Liam hadn't entirely liked the idea. The twins were still so little when Dani went back, it worried Liam no end. They'd nearly lost them when they'd been born weeks earlier than they were prepared for. Danielle didn't exactly have the body to support two tiny people growing inside her and they'd been so small, so _fragile_ when Liam was finally allowed in to see them. So if he thought sending them to Nursery wasn't the best of ideas when they'd only had three years with them so far, it should have been understandable. If he could have given up his job and stayed home with them himself, he would have. 

It wasn't an option though. Not with how much they needed the money because Teddy's scholarship didn’t entirely pay for his fees at school. Add to that the fact they pay a little extra for the house they live in, which isn't flash but it's in a nicer part of Wolvs and close to both of their families. The company Liam worked for moved a year ago, turning the twenty minute bus ride into an hour and a half on trains and such. They couldn't afford to uproot the children, so a move wasn't on the cards to make Liam's life easier. They stayed and Lilly and Jules attended a Nursery that came highly recommended from all the mums at Dani’s mother’s group, and that was that.

Dani now works nine to three on Mondays, Wednesdays and every other Saturday and Liam spends the weekend with his children and loves every moment of it. It’s a system and it works but maybe Liam wishes he could see his kids more. Maybe he wishes that he had seen Lilly take her first steps or Jules say "Dad" for the first time or watch Teddy get his first award on stage at school. Maybe he wishes he could pick them up or at least drop them off now they're at school, or know more about their favourite teacher other than "I'm going to marry him, Daddy and he's going to live with us forever."

Dani gets all of that and Liam has to settle for hearing it second hand. It’s not really all that strange for him to be slightly jealous of her for that, is it?

He can smell her body wash when she comes in, all sickly sweet vanilla and honey before the door closes softly behind her. She doesn't say his name, doesn't talk at all. He freezes up a little when she slides under the covers. He waits for her to curl up behind him like she does sometimes, relaxing somewhat when she does nothing at all. Dani flicks the lamp off and Liam’s eyes open not long after. No goodnights are uttered. No love you's or sleep well's or anything. Just silence.

A silence that Liam can't bridge, won't bridge, hasn't attempted to fix in as long - or maybe longer - than it's taken for him to realise what it truly was. It's just another part of his life that's crumbling beneath the weight of the mundane. This large chunk of who he is or should have been and he doesn't want to fix it. Can't even imagine where to begin. 

How do you remake the person you want to be, when you never realised _what_ that was before the opportunity to do so was gone? How can he even begin to know what he wants from life, when the choice was robbed from him at just sixteen? Sixteen with a girlfriend in a mess of tears holding a little white stick with two pink lines on it. Their future changed before it had even begun. 

Of course he did all the right things. Proposed straight away. Got married before she was showing and lived with her parents, working at the same place her father ran. Doing everything that was expected of him. Ticking all the boxes of an idiot boy whose luck changed with a faulty piece of latex during a first time, that, for a long time, he thought was the worst time of all. 

But then he saw his son, _his son_ , in black and white on a small screen, and heard the thunderous beat of his heart. Nothing seemed that bad after all. 

So what if he wasn't sure that Dani was "the one"? What did it matter if his mum cried and his dad wouldn't look at him for _weeks_ after he told them? It wasn't Liam's fault that their relationship was still strained. He called once a week, took the kids up there whenever he could - even dragged his dad camping for his birthday. He tried. He did. Yet there was something about seeing his dad openly sobbing, holding on to Liam's mum's hand in the dark of their living room had left this hole in Liam's heart. Being witness to his dad - this tower of strength in his life - near choking on words about how Liam had thrown his whole life away, how disappointed he was, changed everything. Hearing all of this bitter _hurt_ from about Liam's choices, seemed to leave Liam on the outside looking in, separated from the close relationship that father and son had had before.

Then he was married at sixteen with their permission and Dani's parents joy, because their little girl wouldn't look like another one of those Chav girls up the duff with the boy out of the picture. No, Liam did the right thing and gave Danielle - his first actual girlfriend, first _crush_ even - his grandmother's ring. Their wedding ended up a big white and pink frou frou memory for Liam. A memory mostly due to Zayn having got him incredibly drunk the night before, probably wanting Liam to admit that he was wrong about everything, but he hadn't. He found himself married three months after he was sixteen and a father six months after that. He left school, worked for the carpet company that his father-in-law had created and when they could afford it, they moved into a little bedsit of their own.

Nothing much has changed since then. A bigger home in a slightly better neighbourhood. A better pay packet, thanks to a promotion that came from "such diligent, hard work." Two more children and a wife he can't bear to look at anymore. 

He closes his eyes and wills sleep to come, because in his dreams... Liam can be anyone.

: : : 

 

It's quiet when he wakes up. 

That should be a sign.

It's far too quiet for a Saturday morning. Far too quiet for _any_ morning in their house. Instead of investigating, he keeps his eyes closed but lets his ears wander to pick up any stray sound.

No TV. No screams and squawks from a tug of war over whose LaLa Loopsy doll is whose echoing down the hall. No yelling for everyone to be quiet from Teddy either. No sounds of the shower in use or the radio from downstairs that indicate anyone other than Liam is home.

They’re probably already out and busy. Teddy is always begging Dani to take him to the library to get some new book out, or head to the bookstore in case something he's ordered has come in. The girls usually have a party to go to, or need to be taken to the park to burn their excess energy off. Sometimes, Dani just takes them all with her to ASDA to get the weekly shop done. 

He sighs, rolling out of bed. His body's too wired into waking up and getting up nowadays so lying there won't really be worth anything. At least if he rouses himself now, he'll have the house to himself for a bit and probably a lot longer in the shower without interruption either. The floor is cool under his feet, so he shoves his slippers on quick - these tartan old man ratty things the girls bought for him last Father's Day. He cringes at them, but has to use them because the girls smile so bright when he does. He throws on his robe and runs a hand through his hair, blinking sleepily as he makes his way out into the quiet hall. 

Liam manages to avoid the mirror while he strips off and jumps into the shower, savoring the quiet. The sound of the water running over his body and onto the toy littered floor is peaceful considering he never usually gets to have this long without someone calling his name. Or having to clean his body quick because there isn't _that_ much hot water in the old system and there is more than "just you in this house." 

As if Liam can forget that he has three mouths to feed. A wife to keep somewhat happy. 

A life that isn't entirely his own.

He gets lost under the spray, just standing there and letting the water sluice over his shoulders. He wishes for greater water pressure, but with these old pipes, lowering the head just has to make do. Liam leans against the glass, noticing the scum of soap building up and adds it to his list of things to do this weekend. Liam isn't great at many things, but he does know how to change a washer without flooding a bathroom. It's something he's quite proud of. He might not be at uni in the middle of a dual master's degree in animation and design like his best mate, and he might not know a lot of big words that belong in a dictionary or a bloody thesaurus, but a little home handy work? That he can. 

Liam steps out of the shower and towels off, shrugging his robe back on. He's a little more awake now, so avoiding the minefield of toys that litter the hall is easy until he's back in their room. He pulls on his pants, his favourite pair of sweats, a shirt that has the least amount of stains on and some socks. He'll find his trainers later before he heads out. There's a buzzing from his bedside table and Liam picks up his phone, smiling as Zayn's name comes flashing up.

_u up for a little tea n sympathy? Bring the kids, I've got new paints for the girls and a book Theo'll love._

Liam feels a little surge of happy in his heart. He hasn't seen Zayn in _weeks_ and it's always made him feel extra fuzzy on the inside when Zayn makes a point to include Liam's children into any meet up. Zayn is one of the few friends Liam still has from _before._ Before the kids. Before the mind numbing job. Before the girlfriend and the stupid life choices and, well. Before.

_Yeah m8! noo kids thou :( :( Dani's got them sumwer. Meet u at the usual round 1???_

His answering text comes flashing back as Liam is making his way to the kitchen. bouncing down the stairs two at a time with no one to tell him, "Walking feet inside, Daddy!" 

_u n me on our own? what gods do we have 2 thank for that? Make it lunch and happy hour after, yeah! x_

Liam laughs and shakes his head. Yes, they haven't caught up on their own for even longer than Liam can remember, but as for drinking away his afternoon? Liam doesn't really think he can do that - will do that. Not with how it will eat into his time with the kids. Not with how it will mean Danielle will fix him with that stare that she gets whenever he has more than a glass of wine with dinner. It's one of the few times Liam can remember her somewhat caring about what he does at all. But fuck it. Fuck it. He deserves a day off and a day to just be fucking _twenty-six_ for a change.

"Liam."

Liam stops in the middle of the kitchen, hand raised to open the fridge door. He turns around and smiles a little hesitantly because Danielle's just scared the shit out of him by saying his name. 

"Liam," she says again and Liam really looks this time because there's something in her voice, something that makes him stop from even saying the good morning that's on the tip of his tongue. She's at the little table they eat breakfast around as a family on days when they're all at home. She looks tired, this dull purple under her usually warm brown eyes that even the light make up she's got on now isn't able to cover. She licks her lips and Liam can see it - this flash of a moment - to when they were teenagers and her saying his name was the best feeling in the world. Not anymore. 

"Liam, we have to talk."

: : :

 

He's probably a little more drunk than he should be when Zayn arrives. 

And of course Zayn's nearly an hour late to the pub, as per usual, so Liam has _that_ on his side, too.

But fuck it. Fuck it.

"Zayn!" he calls out, as soon as his dark haired friend is in his eyeline. He _may_ be a little too loud, and the few people in the pub turn to look at him. It's never that busy here, which is probably why Liam's voice carries across the bar. Zayn's smile is genuine, if a bit shocked, but that changes the moment he gets to the table. 

"Hey, Li," he says, brow furrowing further as his golden eyes skip over the half a dozen glasses that are lined up. Liam started out with a finger of scotch that went down fast when he arrived, and it turned into a beer with a chaser the three times after that. Or four. Maybe five? Liam can’t quite remember. 

_"Zayn,"_ Liam says in return, stretching out Zayn's name with a smile. "You sir, are late, sir!" 

Zayn's frown only deepens as he shifts the glasses to the side and slides into the seat opposite Liam. "Looks like you started without me well enough,"

Liam laughs, louder than he intended, causing one old bloke at the bar to curse. Liam just grins at him, tipping his drink in the man's direction as apology. "Little bit, my friend. Little bit."

He feels funny. He knows he’s a bit hungry like he could eat something but the moment he starts thinking about what, his stomach turns. He didn't get to have breakfast, just Dani sitting in front of him at the table and crying a little and then he cried a little and they hugged and she said she was spending the night with the kids at her parents and that was that. Liam watched her walk out the door and then he'd changed into jeans and a better shirt and shoes and headed out himself. He didn't know what else to do.

Zayn's eyes carefully track Liam’s face, but Liam isn't ready to say anything yet. Just bites his lip and concentrates on smiling and avoids eye contact. 

"We celebrating something?" Zayn says after a few seconds and Liam shrugs. Zayn sits forward, eyebrows pinched so Liam sighs and thinks he should just get it over with. 

But after this drink. Not yet. 

"Is this about the kids?" Zayn looks worried and Liam has to swallow his mouthful quick because no. No. 

"Zayn, they're fine. Honest. Probably better off. Heaven knows Teddy - Theo - will be." Liam shakes his head, a sudden bout of melancholy falling heavy on his shoulders. “Probably thinks he is. I still don't understand what I did for that. He hates me. . . Patty, can I've another?" he calls to the bar, raising his now empty pint and tapping the shot glass on the table. She rolls her eyes, but he can see her grab the Scotch so obviously he's not been cut off yet, which is very good indeed. 

"Wait, what? You're not making any sense and. . . fuck, Dani's not pregnant again is she? Even _I'll_ need a drink for that." Zayn goes to stand, stopping as Liam reaches across and grabs at his hand. 

He shakes his head. "No. No babies, mate. Have to have sex to make those and we definitely haven’t done that. Not lately anyways."

Zayn sits, leaning over the table and whispers, "Is this what this is then." He raises his brows, holding out his hand with his pinkie finger extended, wiggling it up and down. 

Liam’s face heats and he laughs, batting Zayn's hand away. "No, no problem there. I don't think."

Zayn looks slightly exasperated, blowing out this huff of air that hits his quiff and it shifts a little - obviously not enough product in use today. "Well, what is it then? To be honest, Li, you're acting weird as fuck."

Liam takes a deep breath and figures he might as well just lay it all out. Get it over with. Just like she did.

"Dani and I broke up."

Zayn blinks and Liam thinks maybe he needs a little more.

"She wants a divorce and I don't. I can't. . ." he shakes his head and Patty is there then, drinks in her hands. Liam picks up his and Zayn does the same.

"I’ve a feeling we’ll be needing a few more of these for that story, mate," Zayn looks a little strange, still blinking at Liam with a sort of sadness in his eyes. Not all that shocked though, if the way he ends up letting out a long sigh as he stands back, mentioning they’ll probably need a bottle as he heads to the bar.

Liam nods and tips the drink straight down his throat. It burns at the lump that's started to form there again, leaving Liam wondering how much he'll need before it's completely gone.

: : :

They get thrown out.

It might have something to do with Liam getting loud when some match is on. There may have been a few words thrown the wrong way to a few punters that were in support of the losing team. There could have been some unnecessary digs at these punters and their following of said "shiteous fucking wanky asshole cheating prick of a team that couldn't hit a ball if they were staring at it" that might have been taken the wrong way.

Liam doesn't even _like_ football that much.

But apparently, he knows a _lot_ about it when drunk.

In the end, Zayn is just as bad off as Liam is and they're being shown out before it escalates too badly. Robert, who usually just mans the door, calls them a cab and tells Liam to go home to his wife. Liam presses a kiss to Robert's cheek as they go, doesn’t think much about it considering Robert’s been kicking him out or keeping him out of this pub since he and Zayn were fifteen with dodgy ID cards. He laughs, telling Robert he doesn't have one anymore which somehow sets Zayn off and they're laughing so hard they nearly miss the cabbie pulling up. They wind up back at Zayn's, because he's the only one that isn't clutching at his jaw from an errant fist connecting with his cheek and can actually speak. 

They stumble in - somehow making it up the two flights of stairs to Zayn's little flat - and Liam lets Zayn push him onto the sofa with the excuse that he needs to piss. Liam is giggling still, and he ends up sliding to the floor, legs spread wide as he leans his head back against the cushion. It's a little bit too quiet here. Just the sound of his own breathing and the tank's filter where Zayn keeps this ugly Mexican walking fish that one of his succession of girlfriends left behind. There's noise from one of the flats next door - muted laughter from one side and a thumping bass from above. Zayn's always complaining about the sound, but he's mates with the lad up there and Liam's even been invited to parties that Harry holds. Not that he's ever gone. It's not really Danielle's scene. 

Maybe it can be Liam's.

Maybe.

"Liam, Li, guess what I found?" Zayn says, smile on his face as he bounds over the top of the sofa, feet missing Liam's face by the tiniest fraction. 

"What?" Liam asks, shoving Zayn's knee to the side as Zayn slides down further to sit beside him, their bodies near pressed together from hip to shoulder.

Zayn holds out a lighter and then with a grin so wide Liam can spot the pink curl of his tongue behind his teeth, he holds out a bag.

"Guess Harry left more than just a few beers when he was here Thursday night."

Liam frowns because he hasn't - he hasn't done this in a _long_ time. Not since, well - since he started having obligations, duties.

"C’mon, Li. You don't have to get home, right? Just, I thought maybe. . ." Zayn tapers off with a crooked grin and Liam sighs, reaching over to pluck the bag from Zayn's hand.

"Alright, but I’ll roll ‘em. You never could do it right," he tuts. If there's one thing Liam can do, it's roll a spliff, high, drunk or stone cold sober. It's a gift he discovered when he was fourteen and Zayn would drag him out to his older cousins parties. Zayn gives him a little fist pump and it's like they're back there again. Zayn's smile is the same and the weed smells the same and well. Why can't he just pretend?

Even if it's just for a little while.

: : :

 

Liam talks a lot when he's stoned. Words tend to just fall from his lips, sliding out like they're _meant_ to happen. It's funny that normally he's very selective about what he says. Likes to think things through before opening his mouth. Now though, now is different. He and Zayn share a spliff, and then another, and now Zayn's pretty much got his head on Liam's lap, sooty eyelashes blinking a slow fan across his ridiculous cheekbones. Liam's been smoking this last spliff for a good ten minutes, talking in between pulls and everything feels right. Like he can explain it all.

Or maybe just find more words to gain meaning from.

"Well," he starts, or maybe continues, "We're like. We're more than broken up. She wants a separation. She's like setting me 'free' or something. Says we're not happy, she's not happy. Says she knows I'm not. Says she doesn't want to be those people that stay together for the kids. She doesn't want anything, just to help out a bit when she works on the weekends. Oh, yeah, that's the other thing," Liam pauses, takes a hit and lets it stream slow out his nose, "I have to leave. She thinks it'll be best if I move out and so we don't disrupt the kids. We're gonna tell them, tell them tomorrow when she brings them home"

He takes a long hit and then breathes out fast, near chokes. "Fuck, I'm gonna be homeless."

Zayn pats at his thigh, "No you're not, you'll kip here with me."

Liam smiles and says thanks and they're quiet for another while. He watches the end of the spliff flare and slowly darken. There's this ache in his chest now, this lump in his throat that he chased away with booze earlier and now it's back. It's back and it hurts again and this isn't what Liam wants. Well, it is in a way because she was right. She was right about them not being happy and how unhappy Liam was with everything, but he never knew Dani wasn't happy either. Didn't know that she felt just as trapped as he did without ever having admitted the word to himself.

"Fuck," Zayn finally says, waving a hand up in Liam's face and Liam blinks a little before handing the spliff over for Zayn to take a long hit from.

"Indeed," Liam answers with a nod.

"Fuck," Zayn repeats, taking another hit before holding his hand up in Liam's face so Liam can have another turn.

"Is she. . . is there someone else?"

"No. I mean, probably not. We were just unhappy. Are unhappy. I've been _so_ unhappy. I just thought it was me. Thought I was in a rut and maybe if I fixed things. Worked less or worked more or tried harder? I don't know," he sighs, fingertips sliding into Zayn's hair and Zayn smiles, rolling onto his back, shuffling down so the curve of his neck matches Liam's thigh. "Then she says that there has to be more than what we have. Has to be more than falling in bed and not even kissing each other goodnight." 

Liam pauses, takes a breath and ruffles Zayn's hair some more. "You know we don't even do that? She said she couldn't remember the last time I held her hand and she was right, I can't even remember. I couldn't tell you the last time we touched." He finishes quietly. There's a familiar sting to his eyes and he blinks hard twice, hoping it'll keep the tears at bay. He can't cry about this. He doesn't _deserve_ to be upset about something that he got so wrong.

"Shit," Zayn says, shaking his head and opening and closing his mouth a few times, like he doesn't know what to say. "Shit, Liam," he says again, reaching a hand up to wrap around Liam's neck, pulling him down and himself up so there foreheads touch.

Liam nods and closes his eyes, resting against Zayn for a moment. It's nice this. Having Zayn to talk to, Zayn trying to understand. "Shit."

: : :

He wakes up with Dani on his mind. A raging headache and a mouth that feels like something’s died in there but Dani and the children all the same. 

He sighs, closing his eyes, thinking about anything makes his head hurt. It pounds even worse as he can still hear Dani's voice play over in his mind. _"We're not happy, Li. I'm not. You're not. Not long and the kids won't be either."_

That hurt. Her mentioning the kids when Liam can't, would never want to hurt them, and he knows she's right. Knows that what they were wasn't that good but what exactly can he do to fix it, fix any of it? How does he even begin to fix himself?

When he finally does open his eyes proper, e's alone, Zayn's left him a note on the fridge about some study group _thing_ that meets at the arse crack of dawn. On a Sunday. Zayn's life is a strange one. He blinks wearily and feels far more worse for wear as he borrows some of Zayn's clothes after having a long shower. They don't fit that well - too tight around the shoulders and his arms - but the waist is fine. Zayn usually wears his things so they fall off his non existent bum. 

There's a text from Dani waiting for him after he gets out of the shower, that they'll be on their way home at ten. It gives him little under an hour and as much as he'd like to hide out here at Zayn's, he knows he's got to face this sometime.

He heads home not long after. Liam tidies up a bit, even does the few dishes Zayn had in the sink from sometime the week before before he goes. He walks back, even though it's going to take him a lot longer than calling a cab or finding a bus. Anything to put it off for a moment. Anything to stop his brain from over thinking it all too much. 

"Liam, Mum needs your help getting our stuff out the car."

Theo's voice rings through the hall and Liam suddenly feels so sick to the stomach he barely notices him not calling him dad. 

"I'll be right out," he calls back, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before heading to the door. He just needs a second. A moment before everything changes and his children hate him for their family falling apart.

"She said now," Theo says, standing in the doorway when Liam finally opens his eyes. Liam smiles softly, his son looking slightly less than his usual perfect with a plain shirt on today - not one of the button downs he wears even outside of school. He stands there, staring at Liam for a few more seconds before that brow raises again like it always seems to do when he's around Liam. 

"You're so weird," he says, shaking his head and walking off toward the stairs. "Mum said we're having a family meeting, too."

Liam says nothing in return, just swallows hard and then heads out the door.

The girls are arguing when he gets to the car. Danielle looks frazzled, handbag straps in her mouth and two bags in her hands as she tries to get the boot down with her elbow. She sighs - this loud huff from her nostrils - when Liam comes over with a sheepish grin, taking a bag from her hand and snagging the leather from between her teeth. 

"Thank you," she says softly, and she looks like the wife he once knew, the one who now wouldn't hesitate to lean in and press her lips to his. But she doesn't and she's not and her answering smile falls at the corners, eyes sweeping past Liam and a frown forming as she takes in their daughters. 

"Julia, give your sister back her hair brush, and before you get started you don't own the pink one, you know you own the purple one and you left yours here last night. Now get in the house and go wash your faces for lunch." 

Jules hands over the brush with a wicked pout, turning and heading inside leaving a sniffling Lilly in her wake. It isn't often Jules gets stroppy with her sister, but when she does there's no talking her down when she thinks she's right. Bloody stubborn streak in that one a mile wide which could really be a blend of what makes Liam stick at something even when he feels like giving up and the dedication Dani gives to dancing. 

Liam puts his hand on Lilly's shoulder, pulls her into his side, ruffling her hair as he guides her toward the house.

"Li, can you just help me with this thing for a minute?" Dani calls from the back of the car and he nods, telling Lilly to head in as he turns back around.

Danielle is slouched with her backside against the boot, eyes looking down the street as Liam stands just off to the side.

"Hey," he says in lieu of all the other things he wants to ask, could think to ask but nearly everything that needs to be said between them has been said before.

"Hey," she smiles in return, dark eyes meeting his for a moment before returning to the road. "I thought we should get things sorted before we talk to the kids."

Liam nods, and looks at the gravel beneath their feet much like Dani is because it's easier. Easier than looking her in the eye and seeing the failure he's caused. "Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Did you tell them anything last night?" he asks and Dani shakes her head, biting at her bottom lip.

"No. Just that we were having a little sleepover. I told mum. I haven't-- I couldn't deal with dad. Not yet. You know what he's like," she says with a shrug and Liam feels that knot in his chest get tighter. He _does_ know what Danielle's dad is like. 

"Do you want me to tell him?" he asks, because it's the right thing. The one thing he could possibly do to make life easier on Danielle. She shakes her head and he stands there beside her, questions on how exactly they're going to handle this when they head in and talk to the kids buzzing on the tip of his tongue. 

"This is really hard, Li," Danielle whispers. Liam looks over and sees her glassy red-rimmed eyes. He reaches between them, grabbing her hand where it's pressed against the car. He twines their fingers together and hears her release this long shuddering breath.

"It is. It’ll be fine. We just need to be honest with them. They'll understand. Everyone will."

She nods and squeezes their fingers together before pushing off and letting go.The fact that she’s holding his hand in the first place feels a little odd, perfunctory even. The minute she lets go, Liam feels the space between them like a cold shiver down his spine. It’s nothing like the feeling her touch had brought at the beginning of their relationship, no racing pulse and sweaty hands and lump in his throat. This feels like letting go and relief and a sadness he didn’t expect from an ending he never really planned on .

Liam calls the children down when he finally gets inside. Danielle appears from upstairs and stands beside him as the sound of feet thundering across the upstairs hall echo behind her.

"Let me, let me handle this, Dani," Liam says, not really giving her a chance to say no. He knows that the kids will want to find someone to blame. He knows that's just what kids do - need that person or thing or something to place all their hate on. He knows what's about to happen isn’t entirely his fault. He'd rather do this for Dani, for them, than let her shoulder the burden alone. Especially when she's going to have the children all the time and Liam will. . . well, he'll just have himself and probably Zayn to care for.

"Oh, okay. If you want to," Dani says and he watches a little tension release from her shoulders as Theo nearly gets run over by his sisters and they race around the corner, flopping on the sofa leaving little room for their brother. He opens his mouth, about to whine but Dani fixes the girls with a glare that has them shuffling to one side, Lilly grinning sweetly as she pats the seat beside her, as if five seconds ago she wasn't trying her best to annoy her brother as much as possible.

"Mummy, why are you and Daddy standing there? Did we, did we do something wrong?" Jules asks, and Lilly settles, eyeing her twin and obviously trying to think about all the things they haven't got caught for yet, if the little quirk to her brow is anything to go by.

Liam laughs and shakes his head, sitting down on the coffee table after pushing a few of the girls story books to the floor and what - by the sound of it - was one of Theo's thick tomes. It was The Prince of Wales biography last week, now Liam thinks he makes out Napoleon on the cover. How Theo is his son is utterly confusing at times.

"Okay," he starts, because there really isn't anywhere else. "You know how much mummy and I love you, don't you?" 

The girls nod and Lilly continues running her fingers through the hair of her old Cabbage Patch doll. She loved that thing from the moment Ruth brought it over in a bag filled with her old toys, and rarely lets it go when they're around home. It always goes away with her, they'd even had to drive an hour back to Blackpool the previous summer when she'd left it in the van they’d stayed in. 

Theo's eyes are focused on the book Liam knocked down, only shifting when Danielle sits beside Liam on the table top. "You know we only want what's best for you, right?"

They all nod again and Liam just. He really doesn't know how to word this without it coming out wrong. Liam takes a quick glance at Dani before he continues. "Do you remember last year when Mrs. Stevens lived across the road?"

"Yes," Lilly says, eyes lighting up because Mrs. Stevens adored her. She would always buy the girls treats and clothes having only had four boys of her own. She spoilt Liam's girls rotten right up until she found out Mr. Stevens actually had three other missus’ around the countryside and seven other children. 

"Mr. Stevens was a bad man and that's why Mrs. Stevens had to leave and take her lollies away," Jules answers and Theo rolls his eyes.

"No, Jules. Mr. Stevens was having an _affair_. That's why she left." 

Lilly’s and Jules’s brows pinch in the middle which Liam knows to be their deep thought pose and maybe it was a bad analogy but it’s all he could come up with.

"Well, yes, sort of," Liam answers, "But without the affair thing and just how do you even know that word, Teddy?"

" _Theo_ ," his son says, gaze pointed strong in Liam's direction. "Because I heard Mum and Mrs. Daniels talking about it when they thought I was outside," he adds, a slight flush to his cheeks. "Is this, is this because of you and Mum and how you don't love each other anymore?"

Liam feels that like a hit to the chest, a solid left hook of emotion right into his lungs. Dani doesn't say anything, but she makes this noise and Liam can see out of the corner of his eye that she's crossed her arms over her chest, holding herself together as their world falls apart. 

Liam shakes his head, "No, it's not. We'll always love each other, Theo. We're just not, _in_ love with each other anymore. Can you understand that?"

Theo blinks and nods and Lilly and Jules are just staring at Liam and he really doesn't want to hurt them but he can see something like understanding slowly dawning in their dark brown eyes. 

"Your dad and I. We do love each other, we loved each other so much that we made you and we're always going to love you. Nothing is going to change that," Dani adds, voice wet and catching on nearly every word and Liam puts his hand on her knee, giving it a light squeeze before setting it back on his own. It feels like he'll be sending the kids the wrong message if he touches her too much. Then again, they've probably never known a time when he did so without even thinking about the consequences.

"We do. We both love you very much. But sometimes, when a mum and dad aren't in love anymore, they aren't very happy. Sometimes, when one of them doesn't live with the other anymore, it can make them both happy again. Do you want mummy and I to be happy?" Liam hopes it makes sense to them but he truly has no idea if the way they're handling this is right. He doesn't want them to not believe in love and marriage because he's sure he did, maybe a long time ago, but he did. 

"Does that mean you'll smile more when we're at the park with the ducks? You really like the ducks, Daddy," Lilly says and she's got her hand in Jules’s now. Jules leans heavily into her sister's side, both of them clinging together. He can feel this lump in his throat now that matches the ache in his chest. It hurts hearing that even his babies noticed how he was feeling before he was even honest with himself to recognise it.

"Are you going to live with the ducks, Daddy? Can we just get some ducks and you can live outside with them?" Jules looks so innocent as she asks, like it's the most simple thing in the world to solve all of their problems. He wishes it was. It would be so much easier if it could be. 

He and Dani share an awkward giggle, something that starts and ends the moment their eyes meet fondly about their daughter. Liam gets up, making a space between his girls so they're near sitting on his lap, arms wrapped around them both. "No, darling. I won't be living with the ducks. I'm going to stay at Uncle Zayn's for a bit. Just for a little while until I get my own place and then you can have a bedroom there and come visit sometimes. Just like your friend Alexa does with her mummy and daddy."

"What if I want to visit _all_ the times?" Jules asks eyes wide and Liam's finding it hard to breathe now because he can see tears starting to build there. This is the worst feeling in the world, breaking his children's hearts because his own doesn't work anymore.

He opens his mouth to explain, but Dani jumps in first. "No, you'll be staying with me. Daddy has to work and you have school."

It takes him back a bit, because they really haven't spoken about anything and he knows she's right - he's not home enough - but still, it kind of stings that she's made that decision already. 

"When's he leaving?" Theo pipes up, and Liam is shocked by his tone. Then again, Teddy’s basically been silent since this whole thing started. Liam thought he was just taking it in, analysing the situation like his son tends to do when he’s confused about something. This is different though. Theo’s voice sounds strained, back ramrod straight - which isn't unusual, he has very good posture - but there's something off about it. Something tense about his shoulders.

"Today," Dani says at the same time Liam says, "Tomorrow."

They stare at each other for a moment and Liam can see the _"the sooner the better,"_ in her eyes and he hopes she can read the _"just one more night with them, please,"_ in his. She nods and says, "Tomorrow, after we take you to school," which means he'll be taking a sick day from work. And why not, he never bloody does even when he _is_ legitimately ill.

"And I'll come and see you next weekend. We can do something special while mummy works," he says, pulling his girls in a little tighter as they snuggle into his side.

"I won't be there," Theo says, standing up and keeping his eyes mostly on the floor, "I'm staying at Grandpa’s. He said I could."

There's almost this defiant tone to Theo's voice, as if he's waiting for Liam to argue. It hurts - because the longest he's ever been from any of his children is two nights when he had a work thing in Bristol and that was over a year ago. "That's fine. Maybe I can take you up there in the morning or-"

"No, he's picking me up from school. Can I go now?" Theo asks Dani, not even looking at Liam and she nods and Liam feels his dismissal like a proverbial kick in the guts. 

"Can we still go to the park?" Lilly asks, tilting her head up and looking at him under those long dark lashes and she looks so innocent that it's impossible to say no. "Of course," he says with a smile, rubbing his hand up and down her arm.

"And can we get a duck?" Jules adds, giving him the same puppy dog expression and of course, this is what she clings on to out of the whole conversation. 

"We'll see."


	2. Chapter 2

**PART TWO**

 

The ducks have flown south for the winter.

There one day. Gone the next.

And it's stupid. Utterly ridiculous really. 

It feels like it's all his fault. 

He'd had a week of leave with pay when he'd moved out of the family home and onto Zayn's sofa. Another week, because he found he couldn't find the energy to give a shit about going in and after that, random days when he just didn't. Didn't go in. Didn't get up. Didn't _care_ at all. 

So it was stupid that he thought the mere fact he didn't bring the ducks food one day out of this particular week was the reason they were gone. They probably left because it was that time or whatever it was that signalled to ducks that a long flight to the warmer south was due. It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with him missing feeding them for one bloody day because he’d actually made an effort at work. He'd arrived on time, smiled into the phone when he answered calls and sang happy birthday to Judi on Wednesday with the floor, gathered around her cake. He'd not worn a tie like he was supposed to, but he hadn't done that since the first official week he'd been back from "personal leave" anyway.

The ducks leaving is just another change to add to the many Liam's had no real control over since he and Dani broke it all off. He's basically living on Zayn's sofa at the moment. His clothes in a few bags and a few of his larger belongings - his record player, a few LP's, his old comic books and bits and bobs - are all located in a none too cheap storage shed. He's paying the bills and his money still goes into their shared account but he feels utterly hopeless. It's as if now that he's moved out his life has become this stagnant _thing_. He goes to work when he has to and if he doesn't the excuses he gives when he remembers to call in are accepted and he's not sure if it's because he is - was - the son-in-law of the boss or what, but how much longer can that go on? He's even more bored doing what he was, because now in the silence, in the quiet moments, all the parts of his life that have gone wrong flood his mind. He had plans. Not much, not even anything concrete, but he _did_ have an idea of what he wanted from life and yes, the children and the wife thing weren't such an immediate part of that and now he doesn't have those. . . it's almost as if he doesn't know _who_ he's meant to be anymore.

His phone buzzes letting him know he's been gone for the requisite hour of his lunch and Liam sighs, switching the alarm off. He stares hard at the water of the pond, a few barely there ripples making their way across the surface from the bit of wind that blows in from around the trees, making him curl into his jacket a little more, shove his hands deeper into his pockets. He should go back, turn left, not right at the gate leading out of the park that he's walking toward. He should head back in and plug back in for another few hours of mind numbing phone calls and the odd tea break when Brenda does the rounds. He should, but he finds himself turning left and waiting at the bus stop instead.

 

: : :

He walks away from the house that was his home with tears in his eyes. He can still hear Jules and Lilly screaming and it makes his chest _ache_

It’s hurt more than he ever thought possible not seeing them from sun up to sun down. Not being able to stand in their doorway, watching the girls sleep. To listen to Theo argue with a documentary on television about the life of some important historical person that Theo thinks he knows more about. 

He _misses_ his kids something fierce but after the first few nights he called them and the girls just cried and asked him to come home, he stopped phoning as much. Every night turned into every few nights and then it was just picking them up when Dani had to work and returning them home again. And that’s just the girls. Theo’s managed to have something on for school or a friend’s place he could stay or bunking off with either set of grandparents when it’s time for Liam to pick them up. In the near four months since Liam’s moved out, he’s seen his son a handful of times and even then Theo refuses to talk to him. It hurts more than the silences or the rolled eyes used to when he actually lived with them all. Dani tells him it’ll just take time and Zayn says he should just keep trying. They don’t know how it feels, though. How it hurts every single time his son won’t meet his eyes, or when he just talks to his sisters or worse - continues to refer to Liam by his given name. As if the word “Dad” has been erased from his memory.

It’s reasons like this that Liam hates leaving the house. Can’t face seeing anyone he knows and having to answer something as simple as “How’ve you been, mate?” that everyone asks.

It's why he's slowly turning into a hermit at Zayn's house.

: : :

“Get up.”

Liam doesn’t move. Tries to keep his breathing normal and even so maybe Zayn will just go away.

“Come on, you’ve been lying here for the past three days, Li. You need to get up.”

Liam doesn’t say a word, just snuggles his head down a little further into the duvet and hopes Zayn will just give up and do whatever it is he’s supposed to be doing today that isn’t annoying Liam.

Zayn makes this strangled growl of a sound and the next thing Liam knows, he’s lying on the floor a tangle of blanket, pillow and cushion, landing none too softly on the hardwood. 

“Jesus, Zayn! I was getting up, alright!” he says, pushing his bedding off as he sits up, rubbing at the side of his head where he either clipped the coffee table or landed on a shoe really hard. When he blinks away the bleariness of sleep, it’s to see Zayn standing there with a cup of coffee in one hand, shaking his head like he doesn’t believe a word of what Liam’s said. Which, if Liam was in his place, he wouldn’t either. “Fine, I was thinking about it.”

Zayn doesn’t laugh, just sighs and Liam knows that sigh. He’s heard it from Zayn for the past three months and more often lately when he comes home and Liam’s in the same position he was earlier that morning. And _then_ there’s the days when Liam does go into work, and yet he still seems to find Liam in the same place because Liam will have skived off early only to come home and slump into the sofa. Liam is certain the thing has an impression of his whole body, and not just his bum, he’s been lying on it so much.

“You think you might shower today?” Zayn asks, toeing the duvet and a pillow from in front of him, shuffling to sit on the armchair - the one part of Zayn’s living room that Liam hasn’t spread himself out on. He goes to put his coffee down, but Liam’s got a bunch of his clean clothes folded there from when he did laundry a few days before. 

Liam’d actually been making a bit of an effort at work this past week. He’d planned on going in early to some meeting about a new carpet blend that they were selling only to find when he’d got home that every single one of his shirts were covered in some sort of dirt or food. Zayn refused to lend him any of his own, so he’d had to make the trip down to the laundrette, which was quite the experience considering Dani had always done that side of things and up until now, Zayn had helped him out. Liam kind of hates how much of a slob he’s become.  
At least he's been feeding Mildred, Zayn's Mexican Walking Fish. 

He can feel his cheeks heat and he brushes one hand down his face, the fuzz he’s been growing there over the last week settling into something like the beginnings of a beard. He really is disgusting. “Probably,” he says, only to see Zayn’s brow rise into his hairline, which is a floppy black mess over his forehead today. Zayn looks all soft on the outside when it’s down like this, but his eyes are currently giving Liam a hard look that kind of defies that.

“I will, in a bit?” 

Zayn’s other brow lifts.

“Now?”

Zayn smiles, but it’s not that friendly. 

Liam hefts himself up, nearly twisting his ankle because the sheet’s curled tight around one foot. He heads off down the hall, stretching his arms up above his head, yawning, only to put them back down again quick smart at the smell. He really is letting himself go.

“Liam,” Zayn calls out and Liam stops, answering with a soft, “Yeah?”

“You going to shave, yeah?”

Liam scrunches his nose, feeling the short, bristly hairs on his top lip tickle his skin. “Maybe? Hadn’t really given it much thought.”

“Maybe you should, we’re going out tonight.”

Liam’s head falls back and he groans, “Zayn-” he starts but gets cut off quick.

“Look, I know you don’t have the kids today and yeah, you have every right to mope and such, mate, but I think it's been long enough,” 

Liam doesn’t say anything in return. He’s avoided doing anything other than work, visit the kids every other weekend and lie in his little sloth den when he gets back to Zayn’s. It’s not as if Zayn hasn’t asked him to go out before - he has, a lot - but it’s only in the past month or so that he’s really started pushing and Liam’s excuses of not feeling up to it are apparently running out.

“It’s not even _out_ out, Li. Harry’s having a thing upstairs, you don’t even have to leave the building.”

Liam closes his eyes and breathes. He’s met Harry before, only a handful of times, but he’s an alright sort of lad. He’s a bit strange, what with his long hair and slow talking and stories that seem to just go on and on without a point. The past few times Liam’s run into him coming or going into their building, he’s always given him a quick smile with an “Alright?” that Liam generally answers with a nod or a shrug, and Harry never asks for more. He never pushes Liam to talk about how he _really_ is, like his old neighbour back hom- at _Dani’s_ , does, or about the kids, which has his chest tightening up when anyone mentions them.

“You need to see more than just these four walls and my ugly mug, mate." 

Liam laughs, there's probably very few people in the world that would call Zayn's face "ugly". 

"Just a few drinks, it’s only going to be a handful of people and you can leave after a few hours. Perrie’s popping in later, so you'll have her, too,” Zayn calls with this wheedling tone and Liam _knows_ he won’t be able to just say no this time. He should just give in. Zayn will only harp on about it otherwise. Plus, he likes Perrie. Zayns been dating her for over a year now and he's always had a laugh when she's around.

He sighs in defeat, dropping his head onto his chest.

“One and I’m not drinking.”

“Two and you can have one beer, a light one.”

Liam takes a deep breath, letting it out slow through his nose as he straightens. “Two and I don’t drink at all."

“Done!” Zayn says and Liam can hear the smile in his tone, like he knows he’s won and Liam isn’t sure if that’s a good thing.

 

: : :

 

It's not.

They've barely been there ten minutes when Zayn and Harry disappear off to the kitchen, leaving Liam on his own with this fuzzy red haired bloke who looks kind of intimidating with his arm full of colour and stocky build. Liam's smiled a few times that he thinks is too many, and the other bloke - Ed, maybe? Liam's forgotten already, which is awful - has returned them but mostly he's just looking at his phone. 

This is exactly why Liam hates going out. He's always awkward, never knows what to say and when he _does_ say something it ends up being the wrong thing. He's learned to stay quiet in the past decade with Danielle and now that she's not here to talk about the kids or her work or something Liam did that is a great anecdote, Liam's a little lost. He's going to bloody kill Zayn for leaving him out here, basically walking in and introducing Liam and then buggering off. Zayn should _know_ better than to just up and go. Liam's had to put his hand to his throat to try and stave off the panic he can feel rising in his chest.

Just as he's considering getting up and walking out without a word, Zayn's voice sings out from the kitchen.

"Sure you're not up for a beer, Li?"

Liam has to clear his throat a few times to get the, "no," out but he does. Ed or Fred or Barney, maybe, doesn't even raise his head, still focused on his phone. Liam can imagine the roll of eyes Zayn is sending his way, but Harry laughs and Liam can hear him telling Zayn to leave off. Another minute passes and Liam's leg is bouncing now so much that the lamp on the side table is jiggling a bit so he leans forward, pressing his elbow into the soft flesh above his knees. 

“You didn’t say anything about shots though!” Zayn’s voice echoes as he and Harry appear, walking into the living room. Harry's smiling, his big hand gripping five shot glasses, a lime, a knife and in the other he’s got a bottle of tequila. 

This does not bode well at all. 

"I just-" he starts but Zayn's there beside him, having followed Harry out, wrapping a hand around Liam's mouth.

"No, don't even start on your bloody kidney problem because one, it fixed itself, your mum told my mum," he says, Harry lining up the glasses on the coffee table, "Two, even before you could have some to drink, we googled it in sixth form remember? Before Anwar’s birthday," he says and Liam nods, they'd had to sneak into Zayn's dad's office to look it up, "and three, it's a _party_ and you'll offend Harry if you don't have at least one, right?"

Harry nods, this quirk to his lips defying his attempt to look serious, brows pinched and face solemn. But as soon as Zayn returns his gaze back to Liam, he mouths to Liam, "Not if you don't want to,"

Liam rolls his eyes, "Fine," he says behind Zayn's hand and it's lost between Zayn's fingers. 

"That's my boy!" Zayn says, slapping a wet kiss to Liam's cheek as he grips his shoulder, pulling himself in for a half hug. "At least one, Li. It'll make the rest of the night work out better. I know how nervous you get meeting new people," Zayn says softly, a little closer to Liam's ear.

Liam doesn't say anything when Zayn pulls back, fingers still pressed tight to Liam's skin. He's got his brow raised in question and Liam nods his head, thinking that'll at least get his message across. 

"Fine," Liam says again, this time a little clearer because Zayn's finally settling down in the armchair to the side of him, getting ready to cut up the limes, "But what do you mean new people?" 

Zayn and Harry share a look and say nothing, it has Liam's chest getting tight again. 

"This is it right?" he asks, looking between them both, “You said it'd just be a few mates."

He catches Harry's eye from where he's pouring the tequila in, slopping a bit of it over the table top, and Harry quickly averts his gaze. Zayn's cheeks look a little more cheery than they were before.

"A few," Harry says with a shrug and the bark of laughter from the red headed fellow has Liam flinching. 

"Your version of a few is a bit different to most, Harry," he says, not looking up from his phone. Liam's starting to think he's glued to it.

Harry laughs and shakes his head, "It really isn't that bad. Just a few of the lads from home, and Henry is in town and I think Pixie said she might call in. Not that many."

Ed or Fred or whatever it is looks up, smile big as he slides his phone into his pocket, "Mate, I know you actually aced maths at school so how can you possibly think what's got to be at least twenty people coming over is 'a few,'"

Liam's finding it hard to breathe but Zayn's sitting beside him now. He's got his arm draped in what probably is meant to look like a casual move, but his hand's on Liam's shoulder again, light, but reassuring. 

"Ed, that _is_ a few when it comes to my parties," Harry snorts and Liam swallows hard. So it is Ed then. 

Zayn sits forward and grabs them both a shot, balancing a slice of lime on top. He hands one to Liam as Ed and Harry continue bantering about numbers and something about Nick being a possibility and if Nick is coming will Aimee be popping by because Ed should call Ian then. Liam isn't good with crowds and he hates parties at the best of times when he actually knows people and here there's just Zayn and Harry and, well, now Ed. 

This doesn't sound like a "fun" few hours at all. 

Zayn's got his hand on Liam's knee and it's this tight pressure where he's pressing the pads of his fingers in deep. Liam looks up, expecting to see something like determination on Zayn's face but what he gets is concern. 

"It'll be fine. I promise I'll look after you," Zayn says quietly, just loud enough for Liam to hear. 

Liam sighs and tries a smile that doesn't quite meet his eyes, lifting the shot to his lips with a nod to Zayn before downing it in one go. He bites into the lime quick, eyes squinting up tight with the soursweet of it all and the burn that's now rolling in the bottom of his gut. 

"One down," Liam says, hacking and blinking a little because some of the zest from the lime has squirted into his eye.

Zayn grins and Harry steals the glass from his fingers, lining it up with the others on the table.

"We'll take it slow, yeah?" Harry says, brows riding high under wayward curls.

"Slow," Liam agrees, watching as Ed pours and Harry slices up another lime.

He can handle slow.

: : : 

 

Liam's version of slow and Harry's version of slow aren't exactly similar. Well. . . they’re more like polar opposites, really.

It's late. Liam isn't exactly sure _how_ late, but he knows it's definitely past the few hours he promised Zayn he'd stay. Not that he's seen Zayn in a while. Perrie walked in with her mate Jade around an hour ago and he hasn't seen hide nor hair of either Zayn or Pez since. It isn't like he's not enjoying himself - because he is - Harry's got loads of mates and they're all so _lovely_ and Liam's just so _happy_.

Liam may also be just a little drunk.

He finds Harry in the kitchen, lying on the counter top while someone attempts pouring vodka into his bellybutton, but mostly gets it all over his stomach instead. Liam hovers in the doorway, sips at the last dregs of the beer someone handed him earlier and watches as Harry gets shushed as this other boy with bleached blond hair leans over Harry’s stomach, slurping up the liquid before biting the lemon from Harry’s mouth. They’re both laughing as Harry sits up, whining about having the other lad’s slobber all over his stomach before grabbing his mate’s face and licking a long line from his chin to his hairline. The other lad doesn’t push Harry off, turns his head and sucks on Harry’s tongue instead to the cheers of the small crowd around them. Liam feels his cheeks heat, his stomach turning a bit that makes him reconsider his next sip of beer, pausing with the bottle just shy of his mouth. 

It's hot. It's hot watching Harry and this other lad. Makes something twist in his gut that Liam isn't sure he wants to recognise. He’s found his eyes following a curved backside that wasn't female in the past. But it's not something he usually lets himself dwell on. The truth is though, he hasn't wanted to touch Dani in years. Hasn't _looked_ at her properly in the same amount of time. It’s probably the alcohol then, that’s making his lips tingle and his brain skim over thoughts of what kissing another lad might feel like. Would it be soft like a girl or a bit more chapped? Liam isn’t one to use lip balm or anything unless it’s the dead of winter and his lips get sore. 

“Liam! Liam’s here everybody!” Harry shouts, interrupting Liam’s thoughts and he wonders if Harry can read it on his face, that Liam’s spent the last minute or so wondering if you could give your partner beard burn if he had one himself. 

“C’mere, Li! Come do a body shot!” Harry bounces off the bench, wraps an arm around Liam’s shoulder and drags him into the room. 

Everyone is smiling and shouting for Liam to get in so he doesn’t put up all that much of a fight, just follows Harry. Harry bangs on the bench top, pushing at Liam’s hips until Liam jumps up and sits where Harry wants him to. 

Harry swishes his loose curls out of his face with the back of his hand, grabbing at the bottle from the blond haired lad from before. He thanks him with a quick kiss to his cheek and Liam joins in with everyone’s laughter as the other lad pinches Harry’s bum and he squawks. Harry’s kind of beautiful without his shirt on. He’s got a mass of squiggly tattoos on one arm and some larger pieces on his chest and stomach that look like a happy face to Liam right now.

He really has had a bit too much to drink.

He’s still grinning about Harry’s oddly placed tattoo’s when he feels his shirt being tugged up. He looks down with a blink and Harry’s got his tongue poking out from one side of his mouth as he pulls at the hem of Liam’s polo. Liam frowns, batting at Harry’s hands until Harry looks up at him, going near crosseyed. “Body shots require your body, Liam. You kind of have to take your shirt off.” 

Liam blinks a bit, feeling like he’s swaying and nods. That makes sense. He pushes Harry’s hands away and tugs it up and off his head, shaking out his hair as he does so. Someone wolf whistles and there’s cat calls and _christ_ , Liam’s cheeks feel like they’re on fire. He’s fairly certain he’ll have a red flush down his neck and chest now. 

“Bravo, babe!” Harry says, ruffling Liam’s hair that he really should have had cut. It’s bordering on being “inappropriate” for work, nearly as curly and long as Harry’s, but with a bit more fluff now that Harry’s had his hand in it. Liam leans into Harry’s touch because it’s Harry and he feels like he can trust him. Even as he starts pushing Liam down onto the bench, he finds himself giggling, a little thrill of something like excitement running up his spine as he settles against the sticky laminate top. 

Harry’s leaning over him with a wedge of lemon and Liam remembers that he has to open his mouth for that. He holds it between his teeth like Harry tells him to and tries not to think about how wobbly his stomach might look as Harry pats at it. He hasn't worked out in forever, and there's been no children to run about with at the park so exercise for Liam has really been getting up and down off the sofa.

No wonder he's got a bit chubby. 

“Gotta lay still, Liam,” Harry near slurs through more giggles. “Otherwise the drink won’t stay.” He’s back in Liam’s face again with a serious look, line in the middle of his forehead that only breaks as Liam tries to answer around the citrus in his mouth. The skin tastes bitter and horrid. 

“Let’s do this!” an Irish brogue calls from the side and, oh, Liam thought it would be Harry doing this. He doesn’t mind Harry – likes him really – but someone else touching him seems a bit odd. 

Liam starts to make a move to get up, shifting onto his elbows, but someone’s hand is on his chest pushing him down. Liam’s little shocked sound is mostly hidden by the fruit in his mouth as whoever it is sucks at the liquid in Liam’s bellybutton. He can’t help the way his muscles tense, hands curling into fists as the tongue that swept around the dip in his belly slides up over the middle of his chest, sucking at his collarbone. Liam’s toes flex and his eyes shut just as he feels wet lips slide over his own. Liam can’t hear anything but the rapid beat of his heart in his ears, only broken when whoever it is pulls away and the cat calls start. 

He manages to sit up proper this time, swinging his legs over the side and rubbing at his chest with the teatowel that’s beside him. It doesn’t really dry him off, the thing’s damp, but it makes him feel less awkward after he’s just had some stranger lick him from stomach to throat. 

“Shove over then, it’s my go,” this voice interrupts Liam’s thoughts, a warm hand patting his knee as Liam finally looks up. 

The lad in front of him has these incredible eyes and cheekbones that hide the blue as he squints as he smiles. He’s got a swoopy fringe that looks sort of golden in the light from above that he sweeps off his face and back under a light grey beanie. He’s ridiculously good looking, even Liam can see that. Makes his heart beat a little faster. He’s always thought some lads were fit – Harry’s got lovely green eyes and Zayn’s got pouty lips – but they’ve never had Liam’s heart lurch, his stomach flip or his mind focus on how this bloke still has his hand on Liam’s knee. 

“C’mon, love. Fair’s fair,” the boy in front of him says with another quick squeeze to Liam’s thigh, right in that soft bit above his knee. It feels hot. Liam feels hot. He shouldn’t have worn his joggers up here, even if they are his “good ones” without as many holes as the others. 

He stumbles off the edge as the other lad hoists himself up and Liam finds himself staring at the shift of muscle in his arms as he does so. Liam really needs to get back into boxing or something because he feels all sorts of flabby around this boy with the blue eyes and his _arms_. He watches as Blue Eyes rips his shirt off, handing it to Liam with a quick grin revealing sharp, pointy little teeth that makes Liam think of vampires and those movies that Dani forced him to watch when they had a few “date nights” a year back. The fact that they’d only had a handful of those should have been an indicator that things between them weren’t right. Not if they couldn’t even be bothered to make time for each other.

“You gonna pour or what?” The lad asks, arching a brow as Harry hands him a slice of lime, apologising that they’ve run out of lemon.

Liam shakes himself a little, not wanting to be lost in his past when he’s here and he’s actually happy for the first time in what feels like months. He takes the near empty bottle from the bench and pours it slow and as steady as possible with his shaking hand until the dip of this boy’s belly button is filled with liquid. Some of it slips down his side and Liam immediately sweeps up with his thumb, sucking it into his mouth before he realises what he’s doing.

The lad hisses and Liam checks that he didn’t do something wrong. Blue Eyes just blinks at him, his cheeks looking a lot pinker than before. Maybe it wasn’t so bad then. The lad bites down on the lime a little harder, raising his brow in what Liam assumes is a “get on with it” gesture. He puts the bottle down and his hand drops to the boy’s thigh, squeezing a little for balance as he leans down, gently pressing his lips against this lad's skin and sucking at the vodka. It doesn’t even burn going down, which means Liam really _has_ had plenty to drink. He licks at the wet lines where the drink spilled before, Blue Eyes stomach muscles jumping under his tongue so Liam has to squeeze at this lads thigh to remind him to keep still. 

The thing is, this lad’s skin tastes like salt and it’s kind of nice after the burn of vodka, and he finds himself licking a slow trail up his chest. Liam swirls his tongue over one of the ‘s’ letters on this lad's chest piece before getting to his mouth where he’s barely holding on to the lime. Liam’s eyes shut as the other lad's hand cups the back of his head, bringing him in close just as Liam’s lips brush his. The lime gets pushed to the side of his cheek as this lad starts snogging him proper. Everything goes quiet in Liam’s head, the sounds of their little audience jeers fades, the music from the living room drops out completely as Liam’s heartbeat takes over. Liam kisses him back, hand going tight over his thigh. Christ, this lad’s skin is _so warm_ as Liam trails his fingertips over the thick muscle of the other boy’s thigh, hand flat over his wet and sticky stomach. 

Too soon the world comes crashing back in as Blue Eyes pulls back, nipping at Liam’s bottom lip as he goes. He winks and Liam tries to grin but chokes a bit on the lime that’s chosen _now_ to slip out from the side of his mouth and back onto his tongue. Blue Eye’s hand is on his shoulder and Liam notes the pressure before party sounds fill the quiet between them. There’s another hand slapping at his back and a wet kiss at his cheek that he recognises as Harry when he ends up with a near mouthful of curls. Harry pulls him into a sort of sideways hug, arm wrapped about Liam’s shoulder Blue Eyes’ hand must have slipped off at some stage. Liam pouts at the loss. He hears a question from Harry somewhere in the distant part of his mind that’s linked to what’s going on around him, but his eyes are still focused on this lad in front of him that he just snogged.

A boy. 

He stares at Blue Eyes who’s still sitting on the counter and looks just as out of breath as Liam feels. The other lad licks his lips and Liam thinks “I know what his lips taste like,” and it makes something in his chest lurch. Liam doesn’t even know his _name_ but he knows that. He should ask. That’d be polite. Asking the fit lad you just snogged in front of a bunch of strangers what his name is. He shrugs his shirt back on as Harry hands it to him and opens his mouth, about to speak.

Before he can do that, however, Zayn’s arrived and is tugging him away, hand a tight grip on Liam’s wrist. Liam's feet move but his head’s still turned back toward Blue Eyes. He lets Zayn drag him out, because even though Zayn is wiry and looks like he’d fall over with a good gust of wind, he’s actually quite strong. Liam blinks, looking for Blue Eyes, but the lad’s gone. He's been swallowed up by the crowd of the kitchen and more excited shouts that probably mean someone else is licking vodka from someone's stomach. Zayn stops and Liam runs into him, still looking back at the kitchen.

“You right there, Li?” Zayn asks with a laugh as he steps to the side and Liam leans on Zayn’s shoulder. The room’s spinning a bit and Liam isn’t sure if that’s just because of the alcohol or the events from a few moments before. He feels light headed, but he’s had a _lot_ to drink. 

He does find himself rubbing at his lips with two fingers though, even as Zayn keeps talking and Liam doesn’t hear much of it at all.

“-band I dragged you to last year. Liam?” Zayn asks and Liam smiles a bit, hoping that he looks like he’s been listening even though all his thoughts are focused back in the kitchen and on the prettiest eyes he’s possibly ever seen.

Zayn shakes his head. “I was sayin’, that Sophia here, she was at that same concert we went to last summer? The one with that twat who near glassed you on the way out?” 

Liam nods and blinks because there's a girl here. A girl who's holding her drink up near her lips with her other arm wrapped around her and _wow_ , Liam can see right down her top. He makes an effort to look back up at her eyes and she’s smirking at him a bit, like she knows. He’s definitely blushing now.

“Had to save Zayn, did you?” Sophia says, eyes focused on Liam as she sways a little side to side. It’s making him feel a bit dizzy, really.

“Not really, no.” Liam finds he’s started to sway with her just to keep his balance and not fall. 

He does a shit job of it though, bumping hard into Zayn who helps keep him upright with his arm back around Liam’s waist. 

“Fuck, Li, thought you were only having a couple, mate,” Zayn says and like that, the swirl of what Liam had thought was excitement from before is actually nothing like it.

He opens his mouth to excuse himself to Harry's loo, but it's too late. He's vomiting all over Sophia’s tits and right down her sparkly black top much to his embarrassment and her disgust.

Zayn takes him home after, Perrie having stayed on as Liam apologised profusely to Sophia though she shoved at him when he tried offering to clean her up. It's not the best way to end a good night and he tells Zayn this as he near carries Liam down the stairs back to his flat. Zayn shushes him as he gets Liam in the shower where he vomits again, apologies falling from Liam’s lips, along with promises to clean it up in the morning. 

He slips into the clean pair of pants and a soft shirt Zayn brings him while Zayn sets up a makeshift bed of towels on the bathroom floor. He warns Liam he's not having him be sick on the carpet so he's going to have to sleep here. Liam doesn't argue, his stomach is still tender and the world hasn't quite ceased its spinning, even as Liam lies down. The last thoughts he has before he passes out are of the fit lad he kissed, a bit sad that he never had the chance to learn his name before he left. 

: : :

 

The next weekend when Zayn mentions a party Harry's invited them both to, Liam's initial reaction is to say no.

Then he remembers how Teddy didn't even look at him today when he took the kids to the park. He remembers how Lilly held onto his leg and wouldn't let go, screaming that she didn't want him to leave, that she wanted him to stay. He remembers how Dani wouldn't even talk to him, just opened the doors to let the kids inside and shut and locked it after.

He's showered and dressed before Zayn, sat waiting on the sofa, knee jiggling as Zayn comes back down from Harry's with the address. 

Zayn doesn't say anything, but he does smile and throw Liam a beer from the fridge before heading to the bathroom to get ready himself. 

: : :

 

Harry's friends are weird. Then again, Harry himself is something of an enigma in the short time that Liam's known him. The party is in this penthouse in a posh part of Birmingham that Liam thinks they’re well underdressed for until they get to the fifth floor. It's packed with people as the lift doors open and a bit overwhelming but Liam smoked up a bit with Zayn before they left, so he’s fine.

There's people here with flower crowns and lads with so many piercings that Liam can barely make out their face. There's hair colours in every shade of the rainbow and ink on skin to match. Liam's glad that he wore his good jeans this time, his favourite red plaid shirt and one of Zayn's old leather jackets that he threw at Liam before they left. He doesn't feel too out of place, though his lack of tattoos or body modification might make him stand out a bit. 

He makes his way out through the crowd to the deck outside, bypassing couples and people in heavy conversation. 

The air’s much cooler out here. Crisp and quiet as he walks away from the main crowd near the view overlooking the canal. Liam finds himself a dark spot, leans against the wall and pulls out a near crumpled pack of cigarettes in one of Zayn’s jacket pockets. He’s not one for smoking a lot, just sometimes when he’s at parties like this or – more often lately – when he’s trying to forget the turn his life has taken. But, seeing as this is Zayn’s jacket and Zayn’s pocket, the cigarettes have been replaced with a few spliffs. Liam lights up anyway, he’s sure he’s smelled a bit of green around the place, so it probably won’t be noticed. 

Two puffs in and he’s closed his eyes, blocking out the rest of the party sound when a voice startles him.

“Aren’t you one for all the bad vices!” 

Liam bends over, choking on what remained of his breath out and looks up into blue eyes that he has tried not to think about in the last week. Tried, and failed on the most part. 

“Gonna share it then?” this boy says and he looks just like how Liam remembers. His hair's a bit different this time, his fringe flicked artfully across his forehead. A bit of scruff lines his cheeks making his jawline more pronounced. Makes Liam wonder what it would feel like underneath his fingertips. 

He shakes himself a little, stands up a bit straighter and looks between the red cherry of his spliff and the boy beside him who’s now grinning. His teeth flash white with the glow from one of the little solar lamps on the rail in front of them. He’s really pretty. Liam’s inebriated mind hadn’t made that up and Liam flushes when his eyes drop to this lad’s lips. He can still feel how they felt pressed against his own. 

He doesn’t even know this lads name, but can still feel his fingertips at the back of Liam’s neck, toying with the curls there.

“Maybe. Don’t really share with people whose names I don’t know,” Liam answers with a shrug, trying hard to keep the grin off his face.

The other lad laughs, and it’s sort of bright and lovely to hear. “That’s fair enough. Could be anyone, couldn’t I!” He sticks his hand out and Liam takes it, swapping the spliff from one hand to the other. “Louis.”

“Liam.”

They’re still holding hands, shaking them slow as they stare at each other and Liam blushes as Louis looks between them, raising his brow. 

Liam laughs and his cheeks feel like they’re on fire as he lets go of Louis’ hand, offering him the spliff. Their fingertips brush as Louis whispers his thanks and Liam has to try and brush the tingle in them off on the side of his leg as discreetly as possible. He feels a bit lit up on the inside and he’s not sure if that’s the really good weed Zayn always seems to have, or if it’s this boy who he kissed and hasn’t been able to really stop thinking about since it happened a week ago. Drunk or not.

They stand there in a near comfortable silence passing the green back and forth, the sounds of the party muted from where they’re hidden around the corner. Every so often a loud bark of laughter or a high squeal break through from inside but mostly, it’s just Liam and Louis breathing in and out.

“That was fun," Louis says, looking out across the balcony. "At Harry's place.” 

Liam nods, sparking up the last of the spliff. “Yeah, it was.” He blinks slow, his body feeling heavy as he passes the smoke back to Louis. He’s pretty sure he’s not imagining how Louis’ thumb rubs over the side of his hand this time.

Liam breathes out the sweet smoke steady and slow. 

“You kiss better than you pour booze, Liam,” Louis says soft, bumping his shoulder into Liam’s, stubbing the last of their smoke under his foot. He’s wearing these checkerboard Toms that Liam is kind of jealous of. It makes him want to hide the scratched black boots he’s got on. They’ve got to be about four years old. Maybe more, he vaguely remembers buying them around the time the twins were born.

He’s so, so not anywhere near this lads level of gorgeous and cool.

“Thanks,” he answers, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. 

“Could be better with practice, though,” Louis says with this air of knowing, Liam glancing to his left where Louis is sneakily glancing to the side himself. Louis turns and leans against the wall with this shoulder, blue eyes steady and locked on Liam’s. It’s a lot. Louis’ blue eyes are a _lot_.

“The kissing, not the shots, like," Louis smirks and Liam makes this strange strangled _sound_. He isn't sure _what_ it is he's supposed to say. 

"If you didn’t get that, that was me offering,” Louis says, chewing at his bottom lip and Liam thinks fuck it. Fuck second guessing his life and what it means that he hasn’t stopped thinking about the kiss they shared. Fuck thinking if it’s something he should or shouldn’t be doing because his life is in fucking shambles. Kissing Louis is the one thing that felt new and exciting and _right_ in a long while.

“Okay.”

Louis tilts his head to the side, his fringe falling over one eye and Liam doesn’t hesitate to brush it back behind his ear, fingertips shaking as he does. 

Louis straightens, his hands pressed low on Liam’s stomach, just above his belt. “Okay then?” Louis repeats, more like he's checking that Liam really is all right with this.

“Okay,” Liam says more assuredly. Eyes focused on Louis' as he licks at his lips, Liam raising his other hand to cup both sides of Louis’ face. 

His skin feels different. The light stubble on Louis’ cheeks, rasp against Liam’s palms as he tilts Louis’ head up and leans in. Louis’ eyes are still the bluest thing he’s ever seen and he’s so bloody gorgeous and he wants to snog Liam which Liam doesn’t understand at all. This beautiful boy with his skinny jeans, tight white shirt and god awful synthetic looking football jacket wants to _kiss Liam_. It blows Liam’s mind. He closes his eyes and kisses Louis soft and sweet while Louis is still beneath his hands. It’s sort of lovely how Louis is letting him guide this. Letting Liam nuzzle at his bottom lip, brush his thumb over the sharp cut of Louis’ cheekbone. 

Liam finds himself grinning a bit as he kisses Louis some more, this crazy boy with his big bright personality he saw fleetingly but hasn't been able to get out of his head, not since that night with the body shots. It's all quietened now by the simple act of brushing their lips together. 

With this low moan, Louis’ hands travel up over Liam’s chest, tugging on his shoulders. He must step up on his toes or something, because their height difference lessens as Louis seals their mouths together proper, his tongue a quick heated flick over the seam of Liam’s lips and oh. This is proper snogging now. Liam grunts a bit, as Louis nips at Liam’s bottom lip, his tongue darting into Liam’s mouth. Fuck. Liam steps closer as Louis’ hand slides down his arm, grip tightening as Liam presses forward, Louis’ back bumping against the wall. Louis’ thumb presses in hard through the thick leather of Liam’s jacket as he pulls Liam in closer. God, Liam’s never felt like this just _kissing_ anyone else. It’s like he can feel each brush of Louis’ lips against his right down to his very bones.

Liam keeps one hand on Louis’ face, the other dropping to Louis’ waist, thumb grazing over the curve of his hipbone. He holds Louis close as they kiss and kiss until Liam thinks he’s forgotten how to breathe anything but the air passing between them. They must stand out there kissing for a while, Liam only realising how long it’s been when there’s the sound of someone clearing their throat beside him. 

“Busy,” Louis says, lips leaving Liam’s for the barest of moments just to speak the word. Liam giggles into the next kiss Louis brushes against his lips, something sweet that turns filthy in an instant as Louis slips a leg between them, tongue sliding back into Liam’s mouth. Liam’s fingers tangling in Louis’ hair, cradling the back of Louis’ head as need takes over and he kisses Louis deeper, presses himself closer than before. 

“Liam,” this voice says and oh. Oh fuck.

“I don’t want to interrupt but, we sort of have to be going, mate."

Liam ignores Zayn, presses his lips to the warm skin of Louis’ neck instead of answering. 

“We’ve got that thing early tomorrow, remember?” Zayn says and Liam nods. Fuck. 

He takes a deep breath, turning to apologise to Louis but Louis smiles, grabbing at Liam’s arm. He pushes Liam’s sleeve up and with a pen plucked from somewhere on his person, bites the lid off with his mouth. The ink is cool on Liam’s skin as he watches Louis write his number down followed by his name and two xx’s after. He blows soft over it after, sending a shiver right down Liam’s spine and maybe he shouldn’t worry about the picnic in the morning. Maybe he just wants to kiss Louis some more. 

Louis grins up at him, blue eyes flashing as he presses up on his toes again, lips a quick brush against Liam’s jaw. 

“Call me if you want to practice again.” Louis bites at his lip before disappearing past Zayn and around the corner where the party seems to still be going strong.

 

: : :

 

He forgets about what’s written on his arm the next morning. He barely wakes up in time to get changed into new clothes before he has to meet Dani at the house so they can all drive out to the park together. The trip is mostly in silence, Jules and Lilly arguing about something their teacher did or didn’t say at school and Teddy’s head stuck in a book, headphones firmly on. It’s possibly the most awkward car ride ever, even more so when Liam turns the stereo on only to have Dani turn it off when some love song comes on.

It gets even worse when they’re at the park. 

Dani basically runs from his side as soon as Liam turns the car off and then the kids are gone, rushing to meet some friends from school that they know are around. 

Liam turns and smiles at Teddy as a gust of wind blows at his son's curls, swishing his mop of hair around. “Guess it’s you and me, son,” he says with a grin.

Teddy just looks up at him for a solid minute before shaking his head and heading for the other side of the pond, leaving Liam totally alone. 

It hurts his heart more than it should, but he pastes a smile on and finds Rodney, whose desk isn’t too far from Liam’s and who he can make polite conversation with more than the others on Liam’s floor. He makes his way around the park, mingling as best he can but mostly staying quiet and sipping at the punch that someone in HR’s wife made that tastes like summer, sweet on the back of his tongue. 

It’s just after he’s sat down with the girls, plates filled with coleslaw and sandwiches that he really begins to feel the sun. He takes his jumper off and rolls the sleeve of his button down up to his elbows, leaning back and relishing the warmth on his face for a moment.

He blinks as the sun disappears, a shadow falling across his body, blocking it out.

Dani’s standing there with her lips pulled into a tight pout. She looks livid. 

“What?” He asks, because she’s making him feel awful under her steady gaze and today’s actually not been as bad as he’d thought it would.

“Nice,” she says, nodding at his arm and Liam frowns, unsure of what she’s getting at. 

“Classy look, Liam, some girl writing on your arm.”

He shakes his head and realises when he looks down that he completely forgot to wash Louis’ name and number off. He rolls his sleeves down, a retort forming on his lips but she’s already moved back up the hill to where some of the ladies from accounts are.

It’s good really. He doesn’t have to correct her on the fact that Lou could be anyone. Not just some girl, after all. 

: : : 

 

He wanders over to the little pond and skims rocks for a bit later. The girls are playing hide and seek in the shadows of the trees as the sun starts to hide behind the buildings all around. 

They leave not long after and the car is even more silent than before. Jules and Lilly were asleep as Liam followed Dani about saying goodbye to the last of Liam’s remaining coworkers. They’re snoring softly in the back of the car now. Dani’s dad called him son as they’d made their farewells and it sits heavy in Liam’s stomach as he turns the car for the home that once held them all. Teddy still had his headphones glued to his ears and Dani turned the stereo on as soon as he started the car. All modes of conversation blocked at his every turn.

It shouldn’t make Liam feel as sad as it does. Things haven’t been great between them for a while, even more so since he moved out. He thought at least they could still be friends but he’s been thinking lately, that they might not even have that after all. He helps take the girls up to their beds, tucking them in when they get back to the house. Theo only says goodbye after his mother prompts him and Dani heads up to the shower seconds after reminding him to lock the door.

Liam hates how shitty he feels. 

Hates that he went from finally feeling like there was something good going on in his life again to right back down where he was six months ago.

He washes Louis’ number off his arm only when he’s double checked it’s saved properly within his phone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Part Three**

 

A month passes and Liam hasn't called Louis. 

It's not to say he hasn't thought about it. Because he has. Quite a lot. He thinks about texting him, but saying what? As the days pass and he doesn’t use Louis’ number, he tries to push Louis and his blue eyes and kisses that set fire to his veins to the back of his mind. It’s fine. He’s fine. It was only a kiss.

He's been busy anyway. 

Busy trying to pull his life into some semblance of normal. 

He's gone to work a bit more, made sure to be at Teddy’s school when awards are handed out or when he does something that deserves his name called out in the school hall. He's taken up running again and he feels a bit fitter, a bit lighter, and it shows in how he started fitting into Zayn's joggers rather than his own. 

Zayn made him go shopping for new clothes when he discovered that little factor.

He feels _good_ , is the thing. It’s good that he can wear jeans that aren’t a million years old that Harry seems to find for him at thrift stores (or so he says, Zayn apparently knows the labels better than Liam does). He does the bare minimum at work but actually shows up every day which his father-in-law - or ex father-in-law - has picked up on. The afternoon he called by Liam’s desk and told him “what a great job you’ve been doing lately, son,” was confusing more than anything. He hadn’t talked to Liam since the picnic at the park and this? It was enough to have Liam seeking out Andy who worked in the loading bay, finally agreeing to go out with him that Friday night.

He might also have been motivated by the recurring memory of how Dani looked at him seeing Louis’ number on his arm. Of how it turned his stomach, made his heart ache, watching how she acted around Arj – Dani’s dad’s right hand man – at the picnic. On how he touched her arm and refilled her drink and how she flirted in ways that he remembered from when they were young right there in front of him. As if he didn’t matter. Never had.

It's not as though he wants her to be flirting with _him._ He knows their love died out long ago but it still hurts to see. Hurts more than he thought it would. 

Andy’s parties and Harry’s parties aren’t all that different. Except instead of palatial million pound penthouses, Andy drags them off to the outskirts of town partying in grubby bedsits where Asda’s best Vodka and lager by the can abound. The girls wear barely any clothes at all and have their hands down his pants before he can even learn their names. 

He pushes Louis to the back of his mind. He gets drunk, more than he should, anything to forget how shit his life has become. He doesn't want to think about the differences between these girls and Louis. How there’s no spark, no flush of heat rushing up his spine and making his head spin. How it doesn’t feel anywhere near as _right_ as snogging Louis did at all.

It's fine though. Girls he knows. Girls he has experience with, albeit limited. 

So he drinks and he goes out with Andy and he does everything except shag these girls and ignores the way Zayn looks at him as he makes Liam tea in the morning afters. 

Another month passes and Liam’s walking in the foyer of Zayn’s flat, checking the post while trying for the fifth time that week to call Dani. She hasn’t answered his calls and he just wants to know what time he’s picking up the girls on the weekend or if he is at all. She changed her shifts around at the dance school so he isn’t always needed on the weekends and for some reason that’s also equated to him not getting them for a full day. Liam doesn’t complain, doesn’t want to piss her off any more than he already seems to have done with the way she looks at him anytime he’s at the house. He doesn’t understand what he’s supposed to have done. He’s been as accommodating as he can be under the circumstances.

She was the one who brought up separating. She was the one that wanted the house and he didn’t argue. She dictated when and for how long he could have the kids and he did everything she asked because he felt it was all he could do to help out. He didn’t want this to be any harder than it had to, not for her and definitely not for their children.

“Hi Dani, it’s me again. Just wondering if it’s still okay to pick the girls up on Sunday instead of Saturday like you asked last time? Give me a call or a text back, thanks,” he finishes his call, sorting through the mail and finding at least three window envelopes addressed to him, which means more bills. Fantastic.

“Don’t know why it is I have to pay for her ruddy phone, not as if she bloody uses it or nothing,” he mumbles, turning for the stairs and running straight smack bang into someone in front of him.

“Sorry, sorry! I wasn’t looking and-“

“It’s alright, Liam. No harm done!” Harry’s hand is warm and steadying on his shoulder. 

“Sorry-“

“Really, Liam,” Harry says with a smile that lights up his green eyes. “It’s fine.” 

Liam lets out a breath he didn’t realise he’d been holding. He’s not seen Harry in a bit. Sometimes as he’s leaving or like now, when he’s picking up the mail that Zayn’s too busy with his thesis to remember. 

“What are you doing tonight, then?” Harry asks, shifting his bag of groceries that Liam’s just realised he’s holding. “Off out with your lads?” 

Liam shakes his head with a laugh. “Not my lads, mate. You make it sound like I’m out with some hooligans at the football or summat!”

Harry puts his hands out palms up. “Just what I’ve been told, Liam,” he says with a shrug and Liam wonders what exactly he and Zayn have been saying when Liam slips off near every weekend and some Tuesdays when Andy drags him to his local’s darts night. 

“Andy’s not all that bad. Well, he’s shit at darts but we don’t really play for the competition or anything.” Liam feels like he needs to explain himself a bit. He likes Harry. Doesn’t want him thinking anything bad about him. 

“I’m just glad you’ve been getting out, mate! Think Zayn is, too. Speaking of that, you fancy coming up for dinner? I’m showing a friend how easy you can make quiche,”

“Oh, I wouldn’t want to be any trouble,” Liam blusters a bit. Harry’s never just invited him up before. Him and Zayn, yes. A lot. But not just Liam.

Harry runs a hand through his long curls, rolling his eyes a bit before he answers. “Liam, I’m inviting you. I’ve missed seeing you, but if you’re too busy with your new fancy laddy mates then-“

Liam pushes at Harry’s shoulder. “Sod off! What time do you want me there?” Liam interrupts with a genuine grin. He has missed Harry, truth be told. There’s something quirky and lovely about Harry that Liam was endeared to the first time they met. Liam’s always thought of him as Zayn’s mate though, it’s kind of nice to think that he’s a bit Liam’s as well. 

“Give us an hour? Everyone should be turning up around seven but that way we can have a bit of a catch up on what you’ve been up to before the hungry horde arrives.” 

Liam agrees, thinking about how long it’ll take him to get dressed and maybe if he should pop down the road to the off license for a bottle of something but he has _no_ idea what you’d drink with quiche. He’d made it with the kids before, but he and Dani hardly ever drank with dinner, so he hasn’t a clue really. 

He and Harry make their way up the stairs, pausing at Liam and Zayn’s door. 

“Don’t bring anything, Liam. I could feel your brain ticking over as we walked up here. Just yourself, yeah?” Harry looks at him with kind eyes and Liam nods. It’s nice to be understood without having to say anything.

He always has to explain himself to Andy. Or just laugh off the blank looks Andy gives him sometimes when it’s late and Liam’s had a few too many and his brain starts bleeding out thoughts about life and love a bit too much.

: : :

 

Dinner is great.

Harry’s few friends _are_ actually just a few this time. Nick, who he’s met before, and Henry, whom he vaguely remembers from another night at Harry's, brings his husband, who Liam hadn’t met before now. Ian's a workmate of Nick's, who's quiet, but Liam feels comfortable around, even if this is the second time they've met. Then there's Aimee, a very loud American woman with bright orange hair and an even brighter laugh that seems to fill the room, who takes a shine to Liam and his quietness as dinner turns into drinks. They’re grabbing their coats before long and Liam’s trying to think of an excuse to head back home, but he hasn’t got a message back from Dani and it’s a Friday so if he goes out he can sleep it off tomorrow. 

He shares a cab with Aimee and Ian, who officially started dating after that first party at Harry's Liam went to months ago. Aimee's banging on about her dog and his antics as Ian looks at her warmly, like he’s heard these stories a million times before but loves her enough to not care about hearing them a million times again. It makes Liam’s heart lurch a bit. Longing for what he had once. Well, thought he had. The thing is, he can’t remember if he ever looked at Dani like that, or she in return.

It’s what has him buying the first round of shots when they get into the club, being swept inside by the heavy out front without even having to get in line. Nick or Aimee are big news or something, Liam hasn’t asked. Feels a bit like he should know _who_ they are and he’s a bit awkward about the fact he doesn’t at all. 

He’s not sure how many drinks he’s had when he finally says yes to Harry about going out on the dance floor. Harry dances like no one is watching and it’s sort of endearing in that way that only Harry can be. Liam dances to the pulsing beat around them and Harry... well Harry dances to whatever’s in his head, throwing shapes and making Liam laugh more often than not. Soon Nick comes and dances away with Harry and Liam ends up with some bird in front of him, who shifts into his space with a smile. She’s pretty, lovely blue eyes but they’re set a bit wide or something. Or maybe her mouth is too pink and pouty. Whatever it is, Liam’s not all that interested but she moves pretty well so he goes with it, hands coming to her hips as he draws her in. 

It’s just as the music changes to a dirtier, deeper beat that he spots him.

Louis.

Louis is dancing across the club on one of the raised platforms, and he’s got his eyes closed as he near melts into this other bloke. This other lad is really fit. He's tall and blond, with huge arms and hands that near encompass Louis’ bum in his tight black jeans. Louis’ got his arms in the air as he matches this lad’s moves, legs twined together. It feels intimate, watching Louis dance like this from afar and it has him pulling this girl closer. She takes the hint or whatever, rubbing her arse against his cock that wasn’t interested up until now. Now, when he’s watching Louis play with this lad’s hair, hand draped around his neck. Now, when he can see Louis’s smirk of what is probably satisfaction at how well this other lad can move.

Liam could do better. Knows he can dance better than that lad. Could probably have Louis’ attention more than that other lad has if Liam wanted to. If he tried.

He wants to try.

He sways with this girl though, the beat of the club echoing in his veins. He can’t take his eyes from Louis and his mind races with thoughts of talking to him again. If Louis would. Or would Louis ignore him like the way Liam’s ignored his number in his phone for the past two months. He must slow down or something, because this girl is turning in his arms and staring at him with her head tilted a little to the side. He feels like a bit of a prick for not paying her attention; she’s been great to dance with but his mind is elsewhere.

He grins at her and is about to apologise but she’s getting in first. She presses a quick kiss to his cheek as her mate comes over and drags her away pointing to the door. He smiles and dances on his own for a bit. He’s always liked this type of music, but Dani was more into her classical and singer-songwriters. Liam liked that fine, but there was something about a pounding bass and the way you could lose yourself in beats that made club tunes some of his favourites. 

He’s not alone for long though. He should know who it is by scent alone but it’s when Louis’ hands meet his hips that he smiles.

“Hello,” he says with a grin that possibly matches Louis’ own. He finally opens his eyes and finds himself staring into a bright blue that he seems to find himself thinking about a lot more than he should. Especially when he’s alone at night and wondering why he never used Louis’ number. What made him not call. 

Louis can't hear him, Liam’s pretty sure on this, but he does slide his hands up Liam’s chest and grip at his shoulders, pulling him down close. Liam twists his head to the side and Louis’ lips brush against the shell of his ear as speaks. “Where’d your girl go?”

Liam shakes his head, turns so his cheek grazes Louis’. “Not mine. Just someone to dance with. Where’s your boy?” he asks before he can stop himself. It’s not as if Louis owes him anything. They’ve only snogged twice. 

Liam’s the one that didn’t call.

Louis’ shaking his head, too, his fingertips scratching through the curls at the nape of Liam’s neck. “Not mine. You watching me, Liam?” 

Liam’s cheeks heat with something that isn’t from the crowded dance floor or the excessive amount of alcopop _things_ Nick had shoved in his hand earlier. 

“Could ask you the same,” he answers instead, biting at his lip to stop the moan he can feel building behind his teeth as Louis’ tugs a little harder at his hair.

Louis’ eyes flash with green and blue from the strobes around them and something else, but Liam doesn’t have time to contemplate what as Louis pulls him close again. “You didn’t call.”

Liam’s hands grip tight over Louis’ hips. As if his hands remember how well they fit there, how good it feels to have Louis beneath his palms.

“I meant to.”

Louis leans in close again, the tip of his nose skating over the sensitive skin at Liam’s neck. His lips brushing against the shell of Liam’s ear and sending shivers down his spine, thumbs pressing hard at Louis’ hip bones.

“You’ll dance with me, yeah? No one else?” 

He steps closer, body pressed right up alongside Liam’s from his waist down and yeah, Liam doesn’t really want to be here with anyone else. Not when he’s got Louis paying so close attention to him. When he’s got Louis here and interested and so _fucking pretty_ in his arms. 

He shakes his head instead of finding words. Slides his hands down over Louis’ waist, rests them on the little rise above his perfect bum. Louis’ not having that thought, he reaches behind him with one hand to push Liam’s down a little further, grinning as Liam takes the hint and pulls Louis closer still squeezing light over the round of Louis’ bum cheeks. Louis makes him do things like this and Liam doesn’t understand it. How Louis manages to make him feel so brave and do things like feel him up in such a public place. 

"Dance with me," Louis says again, more against Liam’s lips and it’s only for a lull in the music that Liam hears it.

Liam spreads his legs and Louis fits closer between them, dipping when Liam does, squeezing his hands over the regained muscle of Liam’s upper arms and over Liam’s chest like he can’t touch Liam enough. 

Fuck, Louis makes him feel more wanted, more sexy than he can ever even recall feeling before. None of the flings he’s had in the past two months have made him _feel_ like Louis does. And they’re not touching really, not proper. He wants to though. Liam needs to feel every part of Louis, taste more than his mouth. Louis makes him _need_ these things, and he finds himself kissing Louis before he can think all too much about what that means. 

The song finishes and another begins and Liam can’t stop touching Louis. Fitting his hand over the round of his bum, the sweet little curve at the small of his back. The knobs of his spine as Liam slips his hand under the thin vest Louis is wearing, heated skin under his touch. He bites at Louis’ lip and imagines that he can hear Louis moan as Louis blinks slow in front of him. His eyes are so fucking pretty and Liam wants to get lost in them. Get lost in Louis.

Louis grins and it’s wolfish, those sharp pointy teeth of his near glowing in whatever blue light is above them as he takes Liam’s hand and knits their fingers together. He pulls away from Liam and laughs as Liam pouts. He doesn’t want Louis not touching him properly. Louis tugs at his hand and then turns, and Liam has no choice but to follow.

The hall leading to the bogs is filled with people in various states of leaning against the wall drunk, snogging like they don’t need air and near passed out on the floor. Liam ignores them all, ignores everything but Louis’ hand in his and the way his arse bloody sways as he leads them on and on until he’s at a door and slipping them both outside. 

“Louis,” Liam calls, as Louis leads them past a few lads in security uniforms who just nod their heads as Louis calls out a friendly hello. 

"Lou," he tries again, as Louis moves them along the dark alley, past a few bins that stink to the high heavens and down another alley where it doesn’t smell half as bad. 

“Lou-“ Liam starts once more, but his mouth becomes quite occupied with Louis’ as he pushes Liam up against the brick wall, fingertips digging into Liam’s shoulders. Louis’ hand is sliding down Liam’s chest and Liam has nothing to hold onto, fingertips closing into fists as Louis’ palms at his cock. He’s so fucking hard already and Louis is _everywhere_ , all at once. 

He moans a bit in appreciation when there’s a bit less pressure around his cock as Louis drags his fly down, one handed. Louis’s kissing him deep again before he’s gone, dropping to his knees and looking up at Liam with these big, big eyes as he licks at his lips, all puffed up and rosy in the streetlight a little ways down. He looks fucking sinful and Liam doesn’t know what they’re doing but he wants more.

“So fucking _fit_ ,” Louis near whispers, Liam only able to hear it with how quiet it is in the alley. The music from inside the club is muted from behind the door. 

“Just want,” Louis says before breaking off, hands tugging at Liam’s jeans so they slide down to his hips and then his mouth...

 _Christ_ , his _mouth_.

Liam slams the side of his fist into the bricks behind him as Louis breathes this wet heat over the obvious line of Liam’s cock, a wet patch already sticky at the head Liam’s sure. He groans as Louis sucks right over it, making the cotton of his pants even wetter than before and jesus, Liam isn’t going to last. Watching Louis like this, how into it he seems as he moans, tugging Liam’s pants down next before rocking back on his heels, running his teeth over his bottom lip... it’s something else.

He’s never felt this turned on before. Never felt this sexy before and it’s all from Louis. The sounds Louis is making as he touches the tips of his fingers to the line of Liam’s cock. Traces the vein on the underside with such care it’s almost reverent. Liam doesn’t know what to do with himself. His blood’s like quicksilver in his veins and he wants to touch Louis but Louis is so busy near fucking admiring Liam’s cock he isn’t sure he’s allowed. 

Louis mumbles something but Liam can’t make it out, he’s moaning too loud for the quiet of where they are. Can’t help but make sounds as Louis circles his hand around the base of Liam’s cock, gives him a couple of good tugs before sliding his foreskin back and tonguing at Liam’s slit. Liam thinks he sees stars. He has to close his eyes anyhow because Louis’ eyelashes are fluttering just as fast as his tongue is over the head of Liam’s dick and it’s making him a little delirious. 

Liam grunts as Louis finally, finally takes him in and then it’s this wet, hot heat and Liam having to try and keep his hips still, wanting _more_. Louis slurps down and it makes this awfully loud sound in the night but Liam can’t care. He squeezes his hands into fists again and again at his side as Louis bobs up and down and moans around Liam’s cock. The vibrations are near blinding with how good they feel but it’s when he releases Liam’s prick with an audible pop that Liam has to open his eyes. Has to see.

Louis looks... he looks so incredibly hot with how Liam can see his hand move between his legs, the sound of his zipper being drawn down loud in the quiet around them. He’s panting and Liam is too. Breaks Louis’ name in two as he calls it, fingertips reaching out to Louis and he leans in, a look of relief on his face as Liam cups his cheek with a shaking hand. He can see Louis’ arm shifting quick between them and that’s... that’s Louis wanking himself off to what he’s been doing to Liam. What he’s _still_ doing.

Liam’s never felt like this before. Not one tiny particle in his body isn’t turned on, humming just this side of falling completely, and utterly apart. 

“Pull my hair a bit, yeah?” Louis says and his voice sounds utterly wrecked as he leans in, pressing his lips to the crown of Liam’s cock and oh _god._

Liam’s never going to recover from this. He’ll be a puddle once he comes, he’s sure of it.

Liam nods, not trusting himself to say anything ridiculous and make Louis stop. He threads his fingers into Louis’ hair instead and guides him forward. Louis takes him in deep and then keeps going. He pulls his head back a bit once Liam can feel Louis’ nose pressed up to his pubic bone, and does it again when Liam does nothing but tighten his hold. Louis looks up at him with those insane blue eyes and even if it’s too dark to see, he knows Louis will be raising a brow at him. Knows what Louis wants without having to ask.

He’s never really fucked someone’s throat before. Never had anyone that wanted to and never knew how to ask when he was with Dani. The girls of late haven’t gone that far either (he can count those birds on one hand, thanks, he’s not _that_ much of a slag no matter what Andy says).

This though, this sort of makes his blood sing as he pulls Louis forward until he’s making these choking sounds. Louis’ fingertips tighten on his thigh as he does and then relax as Liam pulls him back by his hair alone. He does it again and again and Louis is making these _sounds_ but he can’t be, not with how deep Liam has his dick in his mouth. It’s a few seconds later that Liam realises it’s his own voice echoing off the walls with words that are a muddle of “Louis, fuck,” and “just like that,” and “oh god, _ohgodohgodohgod_ ” as he gets close. He’s so fucking there, right on the edge as Louis hums around him.

“So close, Louis. You might.” He bites at his lip and tells himself he can’t come. Not yet. It’d be incredibly rude not to give Louis some notice. Dani never liked to swallow. Would curse at him and not touch him for a week back when they were young and in love if he came without letting her know.

“Babe, I’m gonna,” he tries again, thumb rubbing soft over Louis’ brow but Louis is too far gone or doesn’t care, his arm a blur between them as he takes Liam all the way in.

Liam comes with a whimper as his knees fucking go weak of all things, spurting into Louis’ mouth. He just keeps coming and Louis is swallowing at the head, only pulling back a bit as Liam continues and this could be embarrassing but Liam’s got nothing left to feel. He’s used it all. When he’s done, Louis leans back and Liam’s fingers fall shakily loose of Louis’ hair. Louis’ panting now, wipes at the back of his mouth with his free hand and loses his balance toppling onto his bum. Liam huffs out the beginning of a laugh that’s eaten up by a hiss from the sight of Louis in front of him. He can just see the tip of Louis’ prick before it disappears into Louis’ fist, a blur of skin and then white as he comes, gasping and shaking, falling back to the gravel below. 

Louis lays there, hand not covered in sticky white thrown over his eyes as they both breathe and Liam tries to get his brain back online. It feels like he’s drifting but then there’s a breeze that feels all too cool on his wet, softening prick so he tucks it away and barely gets his fly back up, button done. 

“Fuck,” Louis says, this broken rough tone as he lifts his hand from his eyes and stares up at Liam with a smile that’s nothing short of smug.

“Fuck,” he says again and laughs and that sets Liam off, chuckling as he offers a hand to help Louis up. Louis stumbles as he does and knocks Liam back into the wall, Louis’ body pressed right up to Liam’s. His hand meets the wall and the other one’s on Liam’s chest and he hopes for a second that Louis’ come is covering the bricks and not Liam’s shirt. It’s not actually his, he nicked it from Zayn’s room and he’s definitely not going to want it back if it’s got jizz on it. 

It must be the one on the wall though, as Louis turns his head against Liam’s shoulder and scrubs his hand on the bricks to the side. 

“You got a tissue or summat?” he asks, blinking lazily as he tilts his face up in Liam’s direction.

“Might have a napkin,” he searches in his pocket, remembering Harry giving him some with a drink at the beginning of the night. Liam shoving it in his pocket, unsure of what he was supposed to do with it when he was drinking from a straw.

Louis cleans his hand up, scrunching up the paper and throwing it behind him. It should be awkward. Louis, who he’s barely met twice – tonight being third – just sucked his cock and got off on that and it feels. It feels...

Right.

It should scare him more than it does. Snogging a bloke. Getting his cock sucked by someone who doesn’t have the opposite body parts. The thing is, he doesn’t feel anything like that. Maybe it’s the high of getting off and maybe it’s not, but he knows he likes Louis. A lot. 

“C’mon then,” Louis says, interrupting Liam’s many and varied thoughts. He takes Liam’s hand, kissing him quick and sure on the lips before dragging them back into the main alley and to the club doors. 

The guards are the same and they open the door as Louis smiles and calls “Thanks, Alberto!” as they pass.

They stumble back into the crowd with Louis clinging to his side, telling Liam he needs a drink because someone’s made his mouth taste like come. Liam giggles, still a little worn out to really object that it was Louis that didn’t stop, even when Liam warned him. It doesn’t matter anyway, as they kiss and kiss at the bar, waiting for the bartender to finally notice them amongst the crowd. They finally get their vodka and cokes and then Louis is dragging him back onto the dance floor where they meet up with Harry and Daisy and dance until the lights go up and they’re being shooed out. 

It’s the best night Liam can remember having in forever and not just because Louis has an incredible mouth.

Louis kisses him goodbye, dirty and deep, at the cab rank and Harry hollers and Daisy wolf whistles so loud it echoes in Liam’s ear.

“You’ve got my number, yeah?” Louis asks, hands stuffed into the same jacket he had on at that party where he and Liam snogged outside without much conversation at all. Liam tugs at the lapels and nods.

“I’ll use it, I promise,” Liam says and Louis looks up at him from under his lashes and oh christ, he really does _like_ him. A lot.

“C’mon, Li!” Harry calls from the window of the cab and Liam leans in, presses his forehead to Louis’ and closes his eyes because he just _feels_ so much. 

“I’ll call.”

He steps away from Louis and doesn’t look back, as much as he wants to. Gets in the cab, shoving Harry over as he makes kissy faces and ridiculous sounds at Liam and shoves at him some more as Harry starts singing “Liam and Louis sitting in a tree” out of tune and with awful timing.

Liam ignores him and pulls out his phone, finding Louis’ number with an ease that comes with staring at something and doing nothing about it for too long. He presses it quick and holds the phone to his ear with a grin.

“Told you I’d call.”

: : : 

 

“I got a blowjob from a boy last night,” Liam blurts out, probably a little louder than he should at this little caf, considering it’s ten thirty in the morning and the place is packed out for brunch. 

Zayn chokes on his juice. 

Liam’s face feels like it’s on fire, because he wasn’t actually thinking about telling Zayn like that. Or in such a public place. However, he hasn’t been able to _stop_ thinking about it. 

Kissing Louis once had been A Thing. Practically snogging him at that party was Another Thing. Last night, though? 

That had been Another Thing Entirely.

He could still feel Louis’ lips on his. Louis’ mouth at his neck. How Louis felt in his arms when they kissed and the look on Louis’ face when he came all over himself. The _sounds_ he made around Liam’s cock.

Fuck. Liam was getting hard again. He’d already tugged one off in the shower before they left and now he was sitting here in a fucking crowded caf chubbing up. 

“You what?” Zayn asks, brows riding high under his soft fringe, wiping at his mouth. “Who? When?”

Liam shrugs and pushes around the last of his mushrooms in the yellow eggy mess on his plate. “At this club Harry took me to last night. In the alleyway actually.”

Zayn is quiet and Liam keeps talking because he can’t stand the silence. The thought that after all that he’s done in his life, this might be the thing that Zayn isn’t there beside him for is something he never really considered. Until now. 

“It wasn’t like it was a stranger or nothing, and I’d had a few to drink, but I knew what I was doing. You remember that lad from the party we went to with Harry?”

He glances up and Zayn’s nodding so he must remember. Liam continues, pressing his fork down on a bit of fried tomato until the insides burst from the skin. “Well, we were dancing together and he kissed me again and it sort of went from there,” Liam finishes with another shrug, putting his fork down and finally raising his head. 

Zayn’s still blinking at him but he looks... well he doesn’t look disgusted or freaked out, so Liam counts that as a win. He feels all sorts of nervous in his gut now, the full english he’d near cleared the plate of combined with the strong tea he’d drunk turning a little. Zayn’s been his friend through so much, he really wouldn’t know what to do without him now.

“Say, say something, mate,” Liam near whispers, his throat closing up a bit as Zayn just looks at him. Even though he knows Zayn likes to process things in his own time, let it roll around in his brain a bit. Normally, Liam’s fine with that. Loves Zayn’s quiet ways. Right now though, it feels like every second is twice as long and Liam’s wishing that he never spoke up. Maybe what he’s feeling for Louis is something he should keep to himself. This little “experience” something he should file away and forget about. Go back out with Andy and actually shag a bird instead of acting like he’s happy enough to just go down on them.

“Did you like it?” Zayn says, dark honey eyes focused on Liam’s as he leans back on his chair, putting his napkin on the table.

Liam nods because he doesn’t trust himself to speak. 

“And you liked kissing him, yeah?” 

Liam nods again. “Yeah, I liked that a lot actually. Been a long time since I’ve been kissed like that. Like I was wanted,” 

Zayn smiles and it’s nearly the same one Liam’s known his whole life. His tongue’s hidden behind his teeth, but his eyes are sort of sad looking. It doesn’t help Liam feel any better about his little confession. 

“That’s good. You planning on seeing him again?” 

Now it’s Liam’s turn to blink in a semi stupor. “You. . . yes? I’ve got his number and he’s got mine and I talked to him on the way home last night. So. . . you don’t think it’s weird that he’s a bloke then?” 

Zayn shrugs, rubbing at the tip of his nose with the crook of his finger. “A little I suppose? But you’ve always been one to do things because you want to or because it’s right, Li. Why would I question your judgement now? On that shirt, yes. It should have gone in the wash at least three wears back, but on your heart? Never.”

Liam knows he’s right about the shirt. It’s got a stain on the front from the baked beans on toast he’d rushed through the other morning before work and didn’t have time to change it. But the other? 

“It doesn’t matter that he’s got a cock then?” Liam asks, shooting an apologetic look to the little old lady beside him that makes a disgruntled sound. 

Liam rubs at the back of his neck as Zayn pours himself a brew from the little pot they’ve got to share between them. He sips his tea slowly, putting it down carefully and folding his hands over his stomach before he answers.

“Does it matter to you?”

Liam’s tried thinking about it. Has basically _only_ thought about it since Louis and he kissed that first time. He’s never really worried about the fact that Louis has the same parts as himself. Only ever been truly concerned with how good it felt to kiss him. How it made him feel. 

“Not really. But, I’ve only ever been with Dani. Like, what if this is just a thing because we broke up or whatever.” Liam taps his fingers on the white tablecloth. He doesn’t _think_ he’s gay. But if he likes boys – well, he likes Louis – doesn’t that make a difference? He’s heard about people being bisexual so maybe he’s that?

“How do you know what you are or even if you need a label, Li? You were fucking sixteen when you got married. Nobody knows who they like when they’re that age and you didn’t even have a chance to test out what you bloody liked before being lumbered with a wife, a kid and a mortgage. So maybe you like cock or maybe it’s just _his_ cock but at least you know you liked it?” 

He knows Zayn’s right. He knows that when he was with Dani it felt good and the sex was always great but...

If he ever wondered about anything different, he’d always pushed it to the side. Louis though, he can’t push Louis there. He’s always in Liam’s thoughts. His smile, those pointy teeth of his, the brilliant blue of his eyes and the soft flip of his fringe. His perfect slim body and a bum meant to fit in Liam’s hands, he’s sure.

“I guess but-“ he starts, only to be cut off by Zayn nodding to a tall fellow with his dark hair in a half ponytail, smiling kindly to the woman he’s serving at the counter. 

“What about him at the counter, you like him?”

“He’s alright but-“

“And the bloke over near the window sat on his own? Half sleeve of ink and a goatee, he take your fancy?” 

Liam shakes his head. “I don’t think-“

Zayn is smiling a bit as he crosses his arms over his chest. “What about me? We’ve known each other forever, you’ve seen my cock and I’ve seen yours, would you let me slip it into you?” 

Liam makes a choked sound, his cheeks sure to be a rosy pink. “Oh no, you’re gorgeous and everything, but.”

“Right then,” Zayn leans, picking up his drink once more. “So we know it’s not _all_ cocks that you’re interested in, yeah?”

Liam’s phone buzzes on the table, he grins as Louis’ face lights up on the screen. 

“Maybe just that one then.” Zayn says softly and Liam nods, smiling already.

Maybe. 

 

: : :

Louis becomes a thing. 

Clubs on Friday nights and some Saturdays, too, if he doesn’t have the kids. Parties or ones that Harry's mates hold. Darts with Andy on Tuesdays but no more weekends spent with girls he has no interest in, really. Not when he has Louis. He always seems to find Louis and they always seem to end up snogging somewhere with one or both hands down each other’s pants.

They text each other a ridiculous amount and call most nights and Liam hasn't felt like this... ever. 

Harry's always grinning at him and teasing him mercilessly while Zayn is too busy with his studies and Perrie to notice that Liam isn't always home. 

He doesn't think too much about the whole gay thing. That Louis is, yes, completely. That he might be? He pushes that to the side and concentrates on the next shot, the next party, the next kiss Louis presses to his lips.

: : : 

 

“What the fuck, Zayn! Turn that, _fuck!_ ” Liam splutters as Zayn laughs near maniacally on the outside of the tub, shower head blasting Liam from above with near freezing water. 

“You’re phone’s been going off for about an hour now and I’m not lying to Karen again about where you are, or how busy you are just because _you_ chose to go out and get shit faced with Louis last night, knowing full well you were expected to take the kids up to visit them this weekend!” Zayn looks serious as Liam tries to sit up and fails, sliding about the bottom of the tub as Zayn watches on, hand hovering over the tap but not actually turning it at all.

The water is _fucking_ cold.

“I know, I am, I promise! Can you just turn the water off?” Liam asks, smacking his knee into the side of the tub as he skids about on saturated socks. Why he left his socks on but managed to strip off his shirt and jeans is beyond him at this hour. 

"Do it yourself and turn your bloody ringer off next time!” Zayn says and he’s out the door and it’s when Liam finally gets his balance and turns the tap off he remembers that Zayn’s been working late for some new exhibition thing that he’s trying to get done.

No wonder he’s peeved at Liam.

He’s two steps out of the tub when his phone comes flying in through the door and slaps him straight in the chest.

More than peeved then.

It buzzes in a circle on the tiled floor and when Liam picks it up, it’s thankfully not broken, but there’s a line of texts from Nicola lighting up the screen.

He’s a little afraid to slide them open but he does, blinking hard at the brightness of the screen and Nicola’s all caps conversation.

_ANSWER YOUR PHONE DICKHEAD! IF YOU DON’T COME UP WITH THE KIDS TODAY, MUM’S COMING DOWN TO SEE YOU!!!!_  
_JESUS LIAM SHE’S TALKING ABOUT BRINGING DAD AND ASKING WHERE ZAYN LIVES AGAIN FUCKING GET A MOVE ON OR CALL AND TELL HER YOU’LL BE LATE!!!!_  
_HAHAHAH JUST CALLED ZAYN AND HE SAID HE’S GOING TO WAKE YOU! SLEEPING IN THE BATH LI? WHAT ARE YOU LIKE, THOUGH!_  
_seriously. Get here now_

Liam turns back around, strips off his socks and pants and has a proper shower. He leaves it on cold for a few minutes, cursing under his breath but his head feels a bit clearer afterwards. He really can’t have his mum and dad coming down to visit. Not while he’s still sleeping on Zayn’s sofa and really, doing fuck all in the way of sorting himself out. He can’t let them see how he’s still barely keeping his head above water.

He’s got the pants on Zayn that threw in the door earlier, texting Dani about running a bit late to pick up the kids when his phone starts to buzz in his hand. He can’t help the way his face lights up when he see’s who’s calling. 

“Hiya,” he answers, phone pressed against his ear as he walks around the sofa to sit down. 

“Liam,” Louis stretches out his name and sounds very much as poorly as Liam felt ten minutes ago. “I have the world’s largest hangover, mate! Why do I let you make me drink so much?” 

“Me? I was the one trying to take that last vodka tonic away from you and you twisted my nipple so hard I thought it might pop off!” Liam exclaims, dragging on a pair of joggers, lifting his bum and leaning against the back of the sofa to pull them up proper. 

Louis sighs, “Shame. I kind of like your nipples,” 

“If that’s how you treat things you like, mate. I’m not quite sure I’ll be letting you near my dick again.” 

A loud squawk echoes down the line. “Oi! Have I ever not treated your dick right?”

Liam falls quiet and smiles down at his limited choices for a shirt to wear. He really does need to buy a few more clothes or at least get better at washing them. “No, you’ve been quite nice to my dick. Very caring. Touching even,”

Louis snorts. "Bloody right I have. I think your dick appreciates those nipple twists more than you let on judging by how quick you came last night when I was tugging you off and had my mouth on one!”

“Maybe. Maybe it’s just your mouth I like,” Liam chuckles, cheeks heating as he listens to Louis mutter something under his breath, just out of earshot of the phone. He starts looking for a clean pair of socks in his bag. Everything’s just so bloody hard to find and Zayn won’t free up a drawer or wardrobe space. Liam’s _still_ bloody living out of his Uncle’s old reserves bag and everything is scrunched in it. He finally finds some socks, not a pair, but they’ll do. It’s not like his mum is going to look under his joggers to see that he’s wearing a black and a white sock. 

“Anyway,” Louis interrupts Liam’s thoughts. “What are you up to tomorrow? There’s a match on and I thought we could watch and have a few?” 

Liam sits a bit heavily on the sofa, putting the phone down beside him as he wonders how to answer, tugging his shirt on. It’s not that he’s _not_ busy tomorrow. He’s supposed to have his kids for the whole night if they’re at his parents for dinner. His mum makes up Nicola’s old room for the girls. While Liam shares what was once his childhood bedroom - awful bunny curtains and all - with Theo who sleeps on a pullout on the floor. He doubts Louis would want to meet up early and if he did, Liam’s not ready to introduce him to his kids yet. 

He hasn’t actually told Louis about them at all. Or the fact he was – or is, technically – still married. 

It’s just that they haven’t really had conversations like that as such. They talk, yeah, about loads of things. Some match that went bad the night before. They’d natter on about music because he and Louis have similar taste or can at least appreciate what the other likes. Then there’s the times when they don’t really talk at all because they’re dancing or snogging outside in the alley or getting off in someone’s loo. 

There just hasn’t been a point where “Hey! I’ve just separated from my wife of ten years and we sort of share parenting our three kids, how’s about another pint, yeah?” comes into the conversation.

“Um, busy in the morning. But I’ll be free by five if that’s not too late?” He’s supposed to drop the kids off by then, but Theo will probably whine about needing to get home early so it’s not like it’ll be too much of a hassle. Even if it means he’ll miss out on a bit of extra time with the girls, who do actually like being around him.

Liam can hear the smile on Louis’ face echo down the phone. “Match starts then but it’ll be fine. You know the Style Inn? It’s not far from mine, it’s an alright place. Bit hipster show off but they do a good steak and chips,”

Liam frowns a bit, tying his laces as he stares at the telly in front of him. He knows that pub. It’s not too far from where he works. He’s had a couple of drinks there after work a few times, but that was a year or two back before the nice bloke who managed his department hadn’t left to travel or something. It’s not the type of place Andy and his lads go to so Liam hasn’t been back in quite a while. 

“Never had their steak and chips but I’ve been there before. Nice beer though,” he adds and that sets Louis off on the quality of a good lager and the rise of boutique brews until Zayn’s throwing his keys at him, telling him he’s going to be late. _Later_ , even. 

The thing is, It feels sort of like they’re planning for a date or something. He doesn’t ask Louis outright, but it takes them a few goodbyes to actually end their call. Liam grins as he takes the stairs two at a time down to the shitty little car Zayn’s mate Ant fixed up for him so he could actually _take_ the children out without using the bus.

He’s still smiling as he pulls up at his old house, Jules and Lilly running out with matching grins on their faces before he’s even got the engine off. 

 

: : :

 

It’s hard watching how his dad and Theo interact. 

He ignored Liam the whole drive up, Jules and Lilly dominating conversation as usual, filling the car with talk about their favourite teacher and Jules possibly breaking Sian’s arm on purpose. Liam heard about it earlier in the week from Dani. Apparently, they’d all been playing Avengers in the playground and Jules took her role as Hulk and Sian’s as Loki a little too realistically on a body slam. He got a right bollocking over letting the girls watch too many action films that weren’t the proper rating which was _ridiculous_ because when they’d lived together she sat right there beside him as they watched the first Dark Knight film as a family. Albeit with Theo’s head in a bloody thesaurus of all things (he was on a word kick). 

Still, he promised not to let them watch anything like it anymore and to have a discussion on appropriate games for girls to play over the weekend. 

Just because she was content with Barbie dolls and ballet skirts at her age doesn’t mean his girls will be. He likes the fact that they mix up wearing bows in their hair and pretty glitter covered shoes with Thor’s Hammer and Batman’s cape and gadget belt. That they’ll happily play with their Barbie dolls and the Avengers figurines Zayn buys for them. He likes that they are happy and that they’re happiest being themselves without anyone telling them what they think or do is _wrong_. So that’s the sort of conversation he has with them after dinner when he’s got them on his own. Theo busy off talking about football statistics with Liam’s father. 

It’s hard watching how animated Theo gets with his dad. It’s hard seeing the ease with which his dad interacts with Theo, both of them sitting in the living room with Theo’s book in front of him and Liam’s dad at his side. Teddy’s practically sitting in Liam’s dad’s lap and Liam can’t even remember the last time Theo touched him without it being a forced hug that his mum pushed him to do or Liam initiated it first. It hurts. It hurts that his dad has this fantastic relationship with Teddy and Liam has none at all, no matter how he tries. 

He finds himself walking out into the garden once he’s helped his mum with the dishes. Nicola and Ruth beg off to settle down on the sofas, watching Toy Story with the girls. Theo joins them on the lone armchair, lost in a new novel. Liam had asked him what it was about, but Theo gave him an eyebrow raise in return before quietly ignoring Liam until he walked off. The silence is getting too big between them. Like it has been for a while now.

Nicola pops out after a bit, and they head down the back behind his dad’s shed when she pulls out a pack of cigarettes from her jacket pocket with a grin. They share a fag between them as they stare up at the stars, not needing to speak but enjoying the clear sky for once. She gives him a long hug and a kiss before heading home, reminding him to call anytime if he needs to. They’ve never been all that close, Liam having to grow up far quicker than even his older sister had done, but it’s nice, the relationship they have now. Nicola and Ruth adore his children and even if he doesn’t always hear it or say it himself, he knows that they love him just as much. 

Liam stays out behind the shed after she heads off, looking up to the sky, hoping for some sort of answer to how badly he’s failing as a parent with Theo and pretty much his life in general. He near jumps as his dad’s voice cuts through the night noises, giving him a bit of rub over hiding out and smoking of all things. 

Liam’s thinking up an answer – mostly how to blame it on Nicola because they _are_ her cigarettes after all – when he stops in shock.

“You promised mum that you’d stop after that turn you had, Dad!” he admonishes, watching his dad reach up under the eaves and pull out a pack that’s more than half empty. 

His dad just shrugs with a smug looking grin. “You promised us both when you were twelve that you’d never touch one again, son,” 

Liam scoffs but doesn’t say anything else, taking a drag on his smoke instead. He watches as his dad lights up, a look of what is proper bliss crossing his face with that first breath in. He shifts from foot to foot, because even if it is summer, the heat’s all but gone from the air now and it’s getting chilly out. He forgot his jacket inside but makes do shoving his free hand in his pocket. 

“Your Theo’s doing well with maths I see,” his dad pipes up after a little while and Liam answers without thinking.

“Wouldn’t know. Won’t talk to me about it. Won’t talk to me about school or his friends. Won’t talk to me at all, really,”

Liam’s dad frowns and Liam shrugs, feels like all he’s done today is watch how easily his dad and Theo get on. How it just seems to work between them in a way that Liam can’t remember it ever being between him and his own son. There must have been a time though, when Theo was younger. When he didn’t think that his dad was so dumb. When Liam was still a superhero in his eyes. He just wishes he knew at what point he _stopped_ being that. When was it exactly that his son figured out that Liam wasn’t all that great with school and stuff. That his dad was just another drop out who did a shitty job that he hated purely so his family had food and clothes. 

When was it exactly that Theo started to despise Liam so much?

“How do you do it? How do you get him to talk to you at all because every time I try he shuts me off. I’m just so out of my depth with him, Dad. I don’t know what to do anymore.” Tears prick at Liam’s eyes and he looks up at the sky again, blinking them away.

He can hear his dad breathe out a long stream of smoke, thinking things over before he answers and when he does, it’s not anything like what Liam expected.

“It’s easy, son, because he’s so like you at that age,”

“Me?” Liam scoffs, because he really can’t see it. He remembers worshiping the ground his dad walked upon. Always eager to spend as much time as possible with his father, even putting off hanging out with Zayn if his dad was home from the factory in time.

His dad laughs, tapping the ash from his cigarette on what looks like an old can of bitter. “He’s loads like you, bit more book smart but that’s his thing. You’re both curious, and thoughtful when it comes to others. He loves his sisters just as much as you love yours. He loves football. He’s a normal lad, Liam. Just like you were.”

Liam says nothing in return. He knows his dad is right. He remembers a little of what he was like at eight but it still doesn’t make sense on why Theo is so eager to _hate_ him so much. He never even lets Liam in. Not even a little bit.

His dad’s hand is a warm, comforting touch on his arm and has Liam looking up from where he was staring hard at the ground. “You just find something he likes, Liam. Then learn about it with him,” 

Liam nods and thinks about all the things he _has_ done in the past and none of them have really been Liam making the utmost effort to know more about what Theo likes. He knows he likes books and he knows he likes watching football with his grandad or talking comic books with Zayn, but he’s never keen to do those things with Liam. 

Then again, Liam never really has the time with the travel for work and being so bloody tired when he got home. It doesn’t help with how Theo virtually secludes himself off from Liam when it’s time for him to visit every other week. Still, they’re only excuses though, really. He could make the time. He could find out from Dani what Theo’s reading lately for starters and read it himself. At least he’s got Zayn around to help if he doesn’t understand a word, much like he did when they had English together back at school.

“You seem a bit happier, yeah? You seeing some bird?” Liam’s dad asks, stubbing out his cigarette underfoot and lighting up another after offering Liam a fresh one from the pack.

Liam shakes his head and laughs a little nervously. Because yes, he is happy and he is _maybe_ seeing someone? Louis isn’t a bird though and Liam isn’t exactly sure how to tell his dad that. Not when it’s still so fresh and new. Not when he’s still sorting out how he feels himself.

Liam’s dad bumps his shoulder with a wide grin and maybe Liam can get away without saying anything at all. “She pretty then, your girl?”

Maybe not.

He takes a deep breath and remembers that he’s been trying this thing lately, where he’s honest about his emotions, not only to himself but to others. His dad loves him. Liam’s sure on this.

“He is, yeah. He’s lovely and I’m not actually sure if we _are_ seeing each other proper, but we’ve kiss-“ Liam leads off, realising that his Dad’s gone very quiet and still beside him. He looks over and his Dad is just standing there, cigarette burning down in the clutch of his fingers as he stares out at the garden, not looking at Liam at all.

“Dad?” Liam calls softly, a lump forming in his throat.

“So you’re a gay then?” he says, tone flat, nothing like the buoyancy he teased Liam with before. Before Liam said that Louis wasn’t a girl.

“No? I don’t know. I just like him I suppose. I’ve never liked anyone but Dani and he’s just. He’s lovely and-“

His dad cuts him off with a shake of his head, tossing his half smoked cigarette into the garden where there’s still a puddle from Jules chasing Lilly around with the hose that afternoon. 

“Don’t. Don’t tell your mother about this." 

“It’s not even a _something_ ,” Liam near shouts. He can’t believe he’s having to defend himself on this. His dad said he was happy, shouldn’t he not care just what or who is making him that way after fucking months of him being surly bastard, if what Ruth and Nicola had said to him earlier was anything to go by. “You _asked_ what made me happy and he-“

“Yes well, best to keep that to yourself for now,” his dad snaps back, walking past Liam toward the house.

“Dad!“ Liam calls, but it’s no use. His dad’s already at the door. Liam watches it open and close and for the second time in his life, he feels like he’s let his dad down.

He stays outside and lets tears roll hot and unchecked down his cheeks for a while after, but no one comes out to check on him, so it’s almost as if it didn’t happen anyway. 

: : : 

 

He begs off from seeing Louis that Sunday afternoon. Jules is genuinely not feeling well (having scoffed a whole pack of hob nobs to herself, stolen loot from her Nan’s cupboard) and Liam. . . he’s not really feeling it either.

He hasn’t been able to get his dad’s utter disappointment out of his head. He calls off work ill and when they ask him for a doctor’s note this time, Liam knows he’s probably going to get called into management to explain himself. 

Honestly? He really doesn’t care.

He can’t care about anything, really, with his head so mixed up about how fucked up his life truly has become. He used to think he knew who he was. A husband. A father. A mindless employee who answered the phone for seven hours of the day and spent the other hour looking at ducks at a park. A friend, but probably not a good one. He didn’t always have the time to hang out without the kids around. He was lucky Zayn was too busy himself to really mind, and when it went down to the bare brass tacks of it, he only really had Zayn anyway.

Now who was he?

He’d kipped on Zayn’s sofa for over half a year and not once even looked for another place to live. He hates his job but won't put effort into looking for something else and his son won't even _look_ at him anymore. 

He wallows for a week in nothing but his pants and crappy television, avoiding Louis’ calls. He feeds Mildred because it's what he does when Zayn's not about. Zayn’s busy with his own life, so much he doesn’t notice that Liam hasn’t really moved at all. If anything, Zayn’s ignorance is a blessing. Liam hates himself for falling back into old habits. Hates that he’s let just a few words from his dad make him feel so awful about something that was just beginning to change everything in his world. 

It’s how he ends up sitting on Harry’s sofa one Thursday morning, afghan pulled over his head like he’s in a tent, smoking up and spilling all his secret fears. He’s probably whining more than having a proper conversation, but Harry hasn’t said anything to make him stop. If anything, he’s sort of encouraged Liam to open up with his open ended questions that prompt Liam to speak more and his seemingly endless supply of good quality weed. 

“You’re so good, you know,” he says to Harry while passing him over the blue glass pipe they’ve been swapping for. . .. Liam has no idea how long. Only that Harry dropped by sometime after Zayn left earlier that morning. A kind word and some big eyes convinced Liam to head upstairs to Harry’s flat with the promise of a bacon sarnie, and it’s definitely dark enough in the flat that Harry’s turned a few lamps on now. He feels like he’s been floating for hours. Kind of lovely really.

He should probably smoke more often.

Harry breathes out five near perfect smoke rings and laughs. “I’m not that good, mate. I’m just well connected,”

Liam giggles and that sets Harry off harder until Liam ends up lying on the floor beside Harry. Their laughter peters out and starts up again a few more times, one of them setting the other off until finally Liam gets his hand over Harry’s mouth and they stop. They lie there still and silent and Liam feels almost sleepy at one point. 

“You are good though. You always make me feel better and you always seem to be around, why _are_ you around so much? You must work because you have this flat and your clothes are lovely and the weed, the weed is lovely, too.” Liam yawns and giggles again as Harry licks at his palm. 

Harry reaches up and pulls Liam’s hand from his mouth, sliding their fingers together before resting their joined hands on his belly. He’s half naked again, but Harry seems to be averse to clothing whenever they’re not at a party. Even then, he usually ends the night without shoes and a shirt on. 

“I do work. I do bits of things and lots of things. I do what makes me happy, Li. You have to do what makes you happy. If you’re happy, everything else will fall into place,” Harry smiles all lazy as his eyes drift closed. 

That’s the other thing about Harry that Liam’s learned since he started spending more time with him without Zayn. Harry can fall asleep absolutely anywhere.

He lays there anyway, listening to Harry’s soft snores and shifting a bit so Harry can curl up against him a little later as Harry’s words roll around in his head.

: : :

When he wakes up the next morning, he’s still on the floor with Harry beside him. It takes him a moment to find his phone, somehow stuck on top of the windowsill, which he needs one of Harry’s dining chairs to reach. He thumbs through to a number he should have called earlier that week. In reality, he should have made this call long ago.

“Hi Adam, it’s Liam Payne. Just wanted to let you know that I won’t be back next week. Won’t be back at all, actually. I quit.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Part Four**

 

“Aren’t you supposed to be working?” 

Liam looks up from where he’s lying upside down on the sofa. “I was and I did but then I realised I hated selling shoes more than I hated selling holiday homes, and even more than I hated selling curtains, but slightly less than I truly, _truly_ despised those three days at the toy shop.” 

“Don’t forget the four hours you spent being a nude waiter at that private party because-“

Liam slaps his hand over Harry’s mouth, near knocking them both onto the floor in the process. “Because I was naive enough to think that ‘Raw Service’ meant organic veggies or something. Did we not all agree to never speak about that again?”

Harry’s gasping laughter under his palm, even more so as Zayn adds, “Trussed up on the table with sushi spread out all over you like that bird in Sex and the City!” 

Liam hates his friends. Hates them.

“And how is it you even _know_ about that show, Zayn?” Liam asks, righting himself on the sofa a little too quickly with the way his head spins. Then again, he and Harry have been smoking up since Liam got in a little after lunch. He’d taken his break and not come back. His heart just wasn’t in reaching up to the top shelves in the store room for Lydia to check out his backside and comment on it in the world’s loudest whisper to Yvette. 

Zayn plonks down beside him, running his hand through Harry’s hair in greeting as he picks up the pipe from the table and starts packing it with green from the near empty baggy. “I know about it because I have a girlfriend who I love enough to sit through two of the bloody movies for because she was poorly. Unlike you two sods who currently have no one.”

Liam frowns. He’s avoided Louis enough in the past month and a half to warrant Louis not even texting once in the last week. It’s just. . . it’s been too hard to sort out this part of his life and keep Louis in the mix. He hasn’t really been able to get what his dad said out of his head either. He knows it’s not _wrong_ how he feels. It just hurts that his father thinks that it is. Maybe this thing with Louis wasn’t ever supposed to _be_ anything. Maybe if he can get his life together then he can work out what place Louis has in it, if any at all. 

“I just need something that I’m not going to hate waking up for. It really can’t be that hard, can it?” Liam whines, watching the spark and flare of light as Zayn sparks up, breathing deep. 

“Oh!” Harry says with a shout, doing a backwards tumble off the sofa and hitting the floor hard. He sits up fast, eyes rolling a bit as he rubs at the side of his head. “I don’t know why I didn’t think about it but, you like drinking now, yeah?”

Liam raises his brows. “Yes, sort of. Well, not all-“

“It’s not all that important, not for this. I had a call today from Jamie who said that Tom had to quit because Lou got a new job in London and he’ll have to stay home with Lux. Have I mentioned Lux? She’s my goddaughter. Funniest little kid in the world and –“

“Harry,” Zayn interrupts, “Can you get to the part you where you’re helping Liam out?”

Harry smiles sleepily before he answers. “How do you feel about working at my pub?”

 

: : :

 

Harry owns The Style Inn. Well, technically he owns a share along with his sister, Gemma, and their dad. The thing is, their dad owns quite a few pubs around the place and he’s sort of distributed them between his children and The Style Inn happens to be the one Harry oversees the most of. Hence it’s semi pun worthy name, which was completely Harry’s idea. 

Liam spends the first few days on the day shift, learning the ins and outs of how to change the barrels in the basement and the few cocktails they get asked about most often (there’s three sisters in their sixties who visit every Wednesday afternoon who love a G&T). He gets through two lunch shifts before Tom decides he’s ready to try out the nights.

He’s awful.

Well, he thinks he is. But Tom reassures him that he’s doing fine and that it took him more than a month to get the hang of things when he first started, so Liam feels a little better. The great thing about this job is that he can somewhat pick his own hours. If he needs to be doing things with the kids at school, he can take the morning or afternoon off. If he needs to look after them on the weekend, then he rosters himself off. Harry’s basically given him carte blanche when it comes to how much he works and he’s paying him a pretty decent wage to boot. It’s not any more than he was earning at the carpet place, but with the tips he makes on the first Friday night, it gives him a bit extra in his pocket and a smile on his face from actually _enjoying_ what he’s done all day and into the wee hours of the next morning. 

He’s so bloody _grateful_ to Harry for thinking about him, that he doesn’t hesitate to say yes when Harry asks him to come out that Saturday night. Zayn’s taken Perrie away for a mini-break in Blackpool so there’s no one to hang about with when he gets home, and it’s his weekend off from the kids. He hasn’t been out proper since the _last_ time he was out with Harry. He only thinks about that once he’s had a few drinks and he’s dancing with Iwan, a mate of Nick’s. He’s blond but it’s too bright, he’s got lovely blue eyes but they were a bit more grey than blue when Liam was introduced to him at Nick’s before they came out. He’s a little shorter than Liam, but built through his arms and chest, making Liam feel small. He’s all these things that are lovely, but not what Liam’s looking for. Not what Liam realises _he is_ looking for, until Iwan gets a hand on his hip and pulls him in and Liam has to step back with a soft shake of his head. Iwan looks a bit sad but smiles, turning away, and Liam wants to kick himself because he’s tried to keep himself focused on fixing his life a bit and still, his thoughts always seem to stray to Louis.

He heads to a darker part of the club where there’s a spare seat at one of the tables upstairs, overlooking the balcony and dance floor below. The ice melts slowly in the vodka tonic he doesn’t like all too much. He’d ordered the thing before he remembered it was Louis’ favourite drink, not his. He’s been so stupid to push Louis away. When Harry said you had to do what makes you happy, he didn’t _just_ mean Liam’s job and Liam was an idiot to think it could be as easy as that to right part of his life’s wrongs. He pulls out his phone from his back pocket, thumbing through to Louis’ contact, staring at his picture – which is more his eye and cheek than anything else – when he suddenly acquires a lapful of Harry.

“Liam why are you all alone? We’re supposed to be celebrating!” Harry says, hands on either side of Liam’s face and squeezing his cheeks together so Liam’s lips are puckered up. It makes it a bit hard to answer but Liam’s not sure if Harry’s expecting one with how his eyebrows keep wiggling up and down and he’s still talking. 

“I saw you dancing with Iwan, he’s lovely isn’t he? He’s so lovely and you’re lovely,” Harry continues, now rubbing at Liam’s cheeks with his hands, leaning in so the tips of their noses touch. “God, your skin is really soft, did you shave and stuff before we left? So soft,” he sighs, moving his hand so their cheeks brush instead, like he’s some bloody cat.

“Harry? Harry,” Liam says, mostly into Harry’s curls from where Harry’s still rubbing their faces together. He gets a hand on Harry’s hip, sliding it between them so he can push at Harry’s chest. “Mate, are you all right?”

Harry’s grin is even slower than usual as he chuckles. “Yes, I am very all right. I’m _so_ all right. I’m _fine_ ,” he opens his eyes wide and even in the dim club lighting, Liam can see how blown out Harry’s pupils are. Right then. Not just drunk and handsy, this is definitely a little chemically induced touchy Harry then. 

“What are you on?”

Harry shifts on Liam’s lap so he’s straddling him instead of just curled up like a ball on his lap. His hands are restless on Liam’s chest, fingertips fluttering over the thin grey lines of Liam’s pinstripe shirt. “Nothing too bad,” he says, dimple coming on show in his left cheek as he tilts his head to the side, gazing a little curiously at Liam. “Why, do you want some?”

Liam’s immediate thought is to say no. He’s never done anything harder than weed and that one time he and Zayn snorted jelly crystals and had a sugar high that lasted four hours when they were ten. Whatever Harry’s on is definitely not Aeroplane Jelly’s finest. Harry’s grinning though and Liam misses being happy like that – even if it’s not coming naturally to Harry right now.

“Okay then,” he says and Harry blinks twice before ducking in and pressing his lips to Liam’s quick. 

“Sick mate! I’ll look after you, well, Nick will. He’s good like that." 

Harry's got a hand behind him, digging around in his back pocket before his smile widens and he snuggles in close on Liam's chest. He's got his head tilted down on Liam's shoulder and to anyone watching, it would look like Harry was kissing his neck. Liam's cheeks heat a bit with that thought, and even more so as Harry shifts around then curls one hand around Liam's jaw, thumb rubbing over Liam's bottom lip as he leans in. Liam's eyes go wide from the first brush of Harry's lips on his, he freezes even more so when he can feel Harry's tongue in his mouth. It's all over before he can think too much about it, think too much about what exactly Harry left behind in his mouth that is round and slightly powdery tasting on his tongue. Harry's offering him his much watered down tonic a moment later and Liam drinks it down, figuring he'll worry about the rest later.

Harry kisses him again, closed mouth this time and Liam kisses him back, more friendly than anything else. 

Both Harry's dimples are deep in his cheeks this time as he pulls back, patting at Liam's cheek with one hand. "C'mon then. Lets go have some fun!"

 

: : :

 

Liam loves Harry. 

He loves Harry and his silly curls that look like tentacles as they wave about in front of Liam. Harry's back shifting this way and that as he flails about all over the place. Liam gets it though, understands how your body just needs to _move_ to its own beat. He doesn't know what Harry gave him, but it feels like there's music in his veins, thrumming through his body as he dances and dances. He's so fucking happy is the thing. This chemically induced high that's rid his mind of thoughts on sucking cock and ex wives and bills that seem to be never ending. He feels magnificent. Like he could take on anything and nothing could go wrong.

It's probably why he reacts the way he does when he opens his eyes at one point as the music dips. Harry's gone and in his place is Louis. His blue eyes are sparkling and his hairs all done up in a quiff like Harry's mate Nick does and he looks...

He looks fucking sinful in the tightest of black jeans, and this fitted white shirt that scoops low at the front with more of Louis' chest on show than Liam's been privy to before. Chest hair peeking out at the bottom and "It Is What It Is" inked into his skin from collarbone to collarbone and _fuck_ Liam wants to bite at them. Mark Louis up for his own.

"You're here," he says, still grinning at Louis, hands twitching at his sides because he wants to touch but he's not sure. He's the one who's ignored Louis. He's the one that didn't answer his calls or texts.

Louis steps closer, looking a little uncertain himself. "Harry called, left a weird message.” 

Liam tilts his head to the side, lost in thought. Harry. Of course it would be Harry. Louis _is_ one of his mates and even if they never really have talked about what Liam was getting up to with Louis, Louis might have told him. They weren't super close but had been mates a long while. Of course Louis might have let something slip about someone he's been seeing. Or liked at least.

It could also have to do with Liam nattering on about Louis when he and Harry were dancing close before. He faintly remembers waxing on a bit about a perfect bum, Louis’ perfect bum and Harry’s near non existent pancake of one. There's a vague memory of whining about missing Louis. Wishing he could see him and explain. Wishing he could see him right now.

Apparently, Harry thought he'd fix that.

“Said you might want to see me?" he shouts up at Liam. 

"Yes," Liam says as he grabs at Louis' face with both hands, kissing him hard. He steps closer still as Louis opens his mouth and then it becomes this deep and dirty _thing_ that probably isn't appropriate for the dance floor. Nor is when he lifts Louis up at his waist, grinning like a loon, spinning them around and knocking into a few people that Liam ignores.

Louis just smiles back - albeit looking a tad amused - as he wraps his arms around Liam's neck, fits his lips against Liam's. It's different kissing Louis like this. Having to tilt his head up to catch Louis' lips in his own and it's nice having Louis' bum in his hands, holding him close. He's missed this. Missed this boy with his great arse and his clever blue eyes and his _mouth_. He's missed feeling this good about someone, feeling like all he ever wants is to be around them, know them more. Louis’ lips skate across his cheek and his breath is sort of cool on Liam's overheated skin as he speaks into Liam's ear.

"Wanna put me down, babe? Let's get a drink, yeah?" 

Liam shakes his head and presses his lips to Louis neck instead. His skin tastes like salt and a bit bitter like his cologne but it's _Louis_. After depriving himself of this for so long, he can't help but suck harder, getting his teeth in a bit when he feels Louis' moan vibrate under his lips. He pulls back as Louis squeezes at the nape of Liam's neck and grins at the mark he's left behind, already blooming red.

"Christ, Liam," Louis admonishes but he's shaking his head with a smile playing over his lips. "You’re not a bloody vampire! Let's get some water into you."

Liam starts to turn but stops as Louis wriggles against him and Liam figures out he wants to be let down. He doesn't let Louis go far though, gets his hands on Louis' trim waist and follows Louis close to the bar. He can't stop touching Louis when they get there, fits his body to Louis back and grinds against him when the music calls for it. Louis eventually grabs at his wandering hands, twines their fingers together as they wait to be served and Liam rests his head on Louis shoulder, content to have Louis close once more. 

The music keeps playing though and Liam sways them both to a beat that's a little off to what's around them. After they get their bottles of water and Louis's made him drink, having to let Liam's hands go, he can't help but want to touch Louis some more. He drags them to the side, cages Louis in against the wall and kisses him again. Kisses him with all the words he wants to say. "Sorry I didn't call." "Sorry I avoided you." "Sorry my life's so fucked up I can sometimes barely function at all." 

Louis pulls back after a bit, both of them breathing hard as he looks down between them and Liam rests his forehead against Louis'. He slides his hands down the wall, sticky to the touch with god knows what as he fits his hands on Louis' waist somewhat tentatively from how he's grabbed at Louis before. This feels different though. They're in a crowded room but being this close feels like they're the only two in it. He focuses on Louis and the way his dark lashes brush over his ridiculous cheekbones as he blinks and they breathe and Liam can't believe he nearly let this go. Let _Louis_ go. 

"I'm sorry," he finally says, and Louis nods. 

Liam's skin feels too tight for his bones. He wants to say so much and he wants Louis to understand, but that means talking and he really wants to see if he can feel the music under Louis’ skin, under his lips as they kiss some more. Louis kisses him back, all open mouth and tongues sliding slick against each other as he winds his arms around Liam's neck. He shifts his legs apart and Liam steps in closer, fitting his body to Louis, feeling the thrum of the beat through every part of their connection. He has to grip Louis’ waist tight, gets his thumbs under Louis shirt and onto his skin, pressing hard because he feels so light, so high that he might fly away and Louis is the only thing here holding him down. Louis just kisses him harder and bites at his bottom lip, curling his fingers into the short hair at the nape of Liam's neck and his fingernails feel _brilliant_ as they catch against Liam's skin.

Liam wants so much and he's _missed_ this. Missed Louis. He must say so because Louis echoes his words against Liam's cheek, the palm of his hand sliding down Liam's shoulder, grip tight on his bicep. He arches up against Liam and _fuck_ Liam's getting so hard and he can feel that Louis is, too, his hips shifting against Liam, fitting a thigh between them. Liam groans, turning his head to nuzzle in at Louis' neck, lips pressed to the mark he left there earlier. His hands slide down behind Louis, dragging him in closer still. It's not enough though. He wants more.

"Let's go out the back, yeah? Wanna do what you did to me last time. Wanna get my hand on you. My mouth, too." He licks his lips and tastes Louis skin, feels the catch in Louis' breath as he wriggles his fingers under the waistband of Louis' jeans. "You want that, too, yeah? Want your cock in my mouth?"

"Oh, _fuck_ ," Louis whines, turning and catching Liam's lips with his own, kissing him deep.

Liam kisses him back just as hard. Keeps grinding against Louis and it feels like his dick's going to bloody break out of his pants if he keeps this up. He scrabbles to hold Louis tighter, get more of Louis' bum under his fingertips, more of _Louis_ against him. Louis bites at his bottom lip again as they break apart and his eyes are so blue, so bright and Liam can't look away.

"Come home with me, come back to mine?" Louis asks and Liam nods quick, ducking in again for another bruising kiss in answer.

 

: : :

 

They finally make it into Louis flat, thankfully on the ground floor, and only a short ten minute cab ride from the club. Louis held both of Liam's hands in the cab because he'd kept grabbing at Louis' thigh, between his legs and near wanking him over the denim stretched tight over Louis' cock. He just wants to touch Louis is all. As soon as Louis has the door of his flat open, Liam's following him in and turning them round, pushing Louis against the thing to shut it. He kisses Louis deep, presses his body tight up against Louis as Louis whines and moans into Liam's mouth. He's never wanted to _touch_ someone so much. Never wanted to taste every part of them: the crook of his elbow, the skin behind his knee, the parts he can't see under all of Louis' clothes.

"Wanna get you naked, yeah? Want you so much, Lou," Liam whispers, presses his lips to the curve of Louis' collarbone, tugs on the hem of his shirt so all the letters of his chest piece are on show. Liam leans in and licks over one of the I's and Louis's hips punch up, Liam's fingertips hovering over the button of Louis' fly. It’s like now that he’s started this, letting himself be open to having something just for himself, he can’t stop.

"Can I?" he asks, looking up at a visibly out of breath Louis as Liam mouths over Louis' nipple, the material so wet it's near see through. "Please?"

Louis head thunks against the door as he curses, fingers caught up in Liam's shirt, tightening his grip so it pulls under Liam's arm. "You’re on something, Li. You're not _here_ and I don't."

Liam flicks the button on Louis' jeans, slides the zipper down as he nips a line down Louis chest where his shirts all stretched out. "Please, let me just. . . ." He trails off, fuck, he just _wants_ this so much. To touch and taste and _try_.

"Oh _christ_ ," Louis whimpers from above as Liam squeezes his hand into the tight fit between Louis' skin and his pants. It's too bloody tight, though, his fingertips barely graze the head of Louis’ cock where it's pressed up high on his thigh. 

Liam watches for a moment as Louis' adam’s apple bobs, his tongue slipping out to wet bruised, berry lips that look puffy even in the dim hall light that Louis' flicked on some time before. His hand smacks loud against the wall, flailing around a bit as Liam cups his cock and fit his hand to the shape of Louis, solid under his fingertips. 

He drops to the floor, his knees hitting the carpet with a dull thud. Hands rubbing over Louis' thighs, thick muscle pulled taut under that stupidly tight denim. "Just want to make you feel good, Louis. Can I-"

"Enough, enough of you being so bloody nice about it, fuck. I can't even be annoyed with you like this!" Louis laughs, but it sounds strangled, fingers threading into Liam's hair, sliding down his face to cup his jaw and Liam turns his face into it, presses his lips to the middle of Louis' palm.

"I am sorry. I thought about you all the time,"

Louis shakes his head. "It's okay. It's, well. . . it's not, really, but you're here now, you know? You're here and -"

"I want to make it better, let me. Let me suck you a bit, yeah? Let me try?" As he says the words he knows that it's what he wants. 

He wants to return all the favours Louis's done for him, make up for all the times all Louis’s had in return was Liam's hand and bit of spit to ease the way. His mouth waters as he tugs at Louis' jeans and Louis is so, _so_ quiet, that Liam has to look up, check he's still watching. Louis is. Bright blue eyes all blown out so they look darker than normal as he focuses on Liam. He's got one hand on the wall curled into a fist as the other is still on Liam's face, thumb brushing over his cheek every so often. He's so gentle and Liam likes him so much. He gets Louis' jeans down just past his knees and then it sort of hits him that Louis' cock is _right there_. Just under those ridiculous white pants he's got on with some weird little blue character printed all over it. 

Liam thinks he recognises it from a cartoon that Jules has become obsessed with, but he puts it out of his mind because he's got other important things to focus on right now.

Like sucking Louis' cock.

He fits his hands to Louis' thighs, slides up until he can tuck his fingers under the waistband of Louis' pants on either side. If he thought his heart was beating fast before, it's nothing like it is now. It's so bloody quiet in Louis' flat, surely Louis can hear it, too. He'll probably think that Liam isn't ready for this or doesn't want to enough but he can't have Louis thinking that. He pushed him aside for all the wrong reasons. He won't let him go again now. 

He tugs down Louis' pants quick before Louis can say another word, before he can _think_ about it anymore. Louis' cock smacks wet against his stomach and it's right _there_ in Liam's face. The foreskin is stretched tight around the head, wet and flushed red. It makes Liam's mouth water and he's never, never thought about doing anything like this until Louis. Never thought about what it would be like to taste someone like this, trace the veins of someone else's cock with his tongue, feel the weight of them in his mouth. It's Louis though, and he wants. Christ, he _wants_.

He leans in closer, watches Louis' cock kick against his stomach as Liam curls one hand around the base, Louis skin hot and smooth in his fist. "This’ll be a bit shit but I need to. I just want you in my mouth," he says, more to Louis' dick than anyone else. Before he can think anymore about it, he guides the tip to his lips, sticks his tongue out a bit and licks at the line of precome that's thick and clear and _oh_. That's what Louis tastes like. Musk and slightly bitter. But Liam knows what he likes when he's been given head before and he wants it to be good for Louis but he also wants to take it slow. 

He licks at the head, feels Louis' thigh tense under his other hand. Listens to Louis curse again above as Liam fits his lips over the crown and tests the weight of Louis' prick on his tongue. He tries to cover his teeth, remembers how unpleasant it was when it happened to him before. Back when he was fifteen and Dani was trying to make it good. They were both young and inexperienced, though, and he came all over her cheek and chin the first time they'd tried.

It's tricky trying to breathe through his nose as he goes down on Louis and it feels like Louis' cock is huge in his mouth. He can vaguely make out Louis whispering these placations above him, telling him he's doing fine, it feels so good, and how fucking _amazing_ Liam is. It helps a bit, as he takes Louis in further, fits his tongue to the thick vein on the underside of Louis' cock. He finds himself gagging a little as he goes, and he knows he hasn't even taken Louis that far and it's sort of annoying that he can't just be as good at this as he wants to.

Louis must see his frown because he laughs, all shaky and out of breath. "It's okay, Li. You don't have to, I mean, the head’s most important, yeah? Just use your hand and your-"

"My tongue?" Liam asks, looking up at Louis who's sort of patting at Liam's head now.

"Yeah," he says, more breathes out really as Liam licks at the palm of his hand before fisting Louis' cock a few times. There's this heat curling at the base of Liam's spine as he realises how hot this is making him feel. Just from getting Louis off. He presses the heel of his hand to the base of his cock, rock hard and needy and maybe he could get off like this? Just from hearing how much Louis likes what he's doing. From the salty sweet taste of Louis at the back of his throat as he tries to go down on Louis once more, pulling back when he can't get all that far again.

"Fuck, Liam," Louis whimpers. "I'm so fucking close already, babe. Just use your hand some more, yeah?"

Liam groans, sucks purposefully on the crown, flicks his tongue into the slit and is rewarded with more precome and Louis making these frantic _sounds_ from above. He wanks Louis hard and fast, thinks about how he likes it when he gets himself off, how good Louis is with his hands when they're on Liam. Louis' gasping now as Liam redoubles his efforts, just sucking on the head. Louis’ hips lift from the door just the slightest, pressing his cock a little further each time into Liam's mouth and Liam moans with the feel of it, eyelashes fluttering closed. He's on his knees sucking Louis' cock and the world isn't ending. It's fucking _exploding_ in technicolour and then Louis's coming and Liam's choking on it. He splutters as he pulls off, and catches the rest of Louis' come in his hand instead, Louis fucking into his fist with short, sharp pulses, ragged breaths from above.

Louis doesn't give Liam a minute to recover, he's on his knees beside him, cupping his face with both hands and kissing Liam deep, tongue delving into Liam's mouth like he's trying to make up for not bloody warning Liam about coming.

"You," he whispers, kisses Liam once more. "You were bloody-"

"Awful," Liam says with a snort, finding his throat’s actually a bit sore and oh. This is what you sound like after sucking cock. Even if you weren't that good at it. He frowns some more.

"No," Louis says with a shake of his head, shoulders shifting from how hard he's breathing. "You were fucking wonderful. I'm gonna, I'm going to make it up to you as soon as I can breathe again. _Fuck_ , Liam," he laughs and drags Liam in with an arm wrapped over his shoulder, palm pressed to Liam's back. His lips press firm to Liam's forehead and Liam finds himself grinning just a little. It feels good to know that Louis liked it. That he didn't completely fuck it up.

"Um, you might not need to, Louis?" Liam says, finally noticing that he's a bit sticky and uncomfortable himself between his legs.

Louis leans heavily into Liam, lips brushing over Liam's neck, right about where his birthmark is. Louis seems to have a thing about kissing it. "What do you mean, babe?"

Liam shudders and knows his cheeks will be red with a little more than just all the excitement they've just had. "I think, well, I'm pretty sure I got off on that."

Louis groans and pushes Liam back a bit, and yeah, there's a damp spot on Liam's blue jeans. He's sort of mortified, about to apologise but Louis is there, cupping Liam's face in his hands and kissing him soft and sweet. He pecks Liam's lips three more times before leaning back, smiling at him. "That's so fucking hot, Liam. So fucking hot."

Liam shrugs and ducks his head down, wrapping his arms around Louis and just holding him. It's so good that Louis's letting him. That Louis seems to have forgiven him - mostly - for nearly fucking this up. This, whatever it is, between them, just because Liam was too bloody stupid to realise he needed Louis just as much as he needed a new job. Just as much as he needs to sort his life out, now that it's so vastly different than before.

They get up eventually, Louis taking his hand and leading him down to the bath. That’s not before Liam cackles watching Louis jump around the living room, knocking into the sofa a few times trying to get his jeans and pants the rest of the way off. All before he took his shoes off, mind. They get there eventually, kissing slow and unhurried. They take turns washing each other off before heading to Louis' bed and Liam doesn't hesitate to follow. Louis drags Liam's arm over his chest when they finally get under the covers, wraps Liam around him like a blanket. Liam falls asleep with a smile on his face. Content, and warm.

 

: : :

 

He wakes up the next morning to Louis sharing his pillow. He looks awfully sweet, hands clasped under his cheek, dark lashes fanned out, full bottom lip fluttering with every breath. His lips look a bit puffier than Liam remembers them being, a bit bruised maybe and it has Liam pressing fingertips to his own.

He gave Louis head last night. Sucked his cock and Louis came in his mouth and he doesn't feel weird about it. If anything, the memory of how Louis tasted on his tongue has him more aware of his little – or not so little – “morning problem”. He shifts his leg a bit and the sheet catches on his dick, making him gasp. He doesn't think it's all that loud, but Louis eyes blink slowly open and he's got this soft smile that makes Liam's heart beat faster.

"Hullo," Liam says, voice still croaky from sleep or something else.

Louis makes this agreeable sort of sound, shifting closer to Liam, his lips a cool press on Liam's chest. Liam reaches out and slides his hand tentatively down Louis' side, his skin warm to the touch. He's so bloody sexy. All curves from the way his ribs dip down to his waist and flare at his hips. Liam's fingertips graze the rise of Louis' bum when he remembers that they're both naked under here, like, _proper_ naked. Not even pants. It makes his cheeks heat.

"How you feeling?" he asks softly as Louis traps Liam's ankle with his own. It makes him smile, sets something warm under his skin.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?” Louis asks, looking up at Liam with these big eyes and the sharp point of his teeth on show in his grin. “Big night for you, after all," Louis teases, nipping at Liam's chest just a ways from his nipple. It sort of hurts but makes his dick fill a bit more at the same time. Has Liam tightening his grip on Louis' hip.

"I um, my throat's a bit sore and I, I -"

Louis cuts him off with a kiss, close mouthed but sweet, as his hand gently cups the side of Liam's face. "It was good, yeah? For you, too?" He sounds sure but Liam can see there's a little hesitation there, an extra blink of his blue, blue eyes.

Liam's face heats even more, Louis rubbing the tip of his nose against Liam's. He nods, turning his head into the pillow, and closing his eyes. 

“Oh, _hello_ ,” Louis chuckles, sliding over to fit his body closer to Liam’s. “Is this an indicator of how much you _did_ like it then?” he asks, jolting a hiss out of Liam as his hand fits around Liam’s cock. 

He woke up half hard and having Louis close and talking like this has only served to turn him on even more. Louis hand shifts in a dry drag up and down a few times as Liam whines, really turning his face into the pillow now, grip tight on Louis’ bum, tugging him closer still. 

“Is this too much for you?” Louis’ voice has dropped a bit, gone softer. “I know, I know this isn’t like, your first time but, it sort of -”

Liam cuts him off with a kiss, slides his hand over Louis bum, fingertips dipping between his cheeks. Louis’ moan gets caught in Liam’s mouth as his hips stutter forward and Liam can feel that he’s hard, too. 

“Christ Liam!” Louis chokes out, rubs the tip of his nose against Liam’s. “I’m trying to give you an out here, we can slow it down or,” he huffs out a breath. “I know I’m pushy,”

“No,” Liam finally answers, “I know I’m not experienced or anything,” his cheeks are heating up again and this is. . . it makes him feel like he’s sixteen again and fumbling about with Dani under the sheets. “I want this, yeah? I want you.”

Louis grins and it’s almost wolfish with those pointy teeth of his. Liam’s breath catches in his throat as Louis’ thumb rubs over the tip. “Bit dry though,” he hums. 

Louis grins, hitching his leg up and over Liam’s thigh, leans back a bit so he can lick at his hand from his palm right to the very tip of his fingers three times. It probably shouldn’t be as hot as it looks but Liam’s dick twitches between them, the tip getting wet. 

“This’ll be better,” Louis smirks, wrapping his hand around both of their pricks and Liam has to close his eyes on the first stroke. “I think it’s my turn to show you something new.”

Liam groans, dipping forward to catch Louis’ lips with his own.

 

: : :

 

Louis is a _great_ teacher.

They’ve had “lessons” in Louis’ bed, his shower, that one time on the coffee table, the kitchen bench and the back of the front door. Louis’ classroom stretches to the pub loos and the club they find themselves at if Liam isn’t working or doesn’t have the kids. Then there’s the few times they make it to Liam’s. Well, Zayn’s really, which they’re somewhat shockingly reminded of as they stumble inside at quarter past ten, Liam’s hands on Louis’ bum and Louis’ lips at Liam’s neck and a naked Perrie and Zayn on the sofa.

“That’s, that’s where I sleep!” Liam shouts, covering his face with one hand while the other attempts to shade Louis’ eyes, much to Louis amusement. He’s cackling at Liam’s side and prising at Liam’s fingertips to no avail. “It’s like you’re, you’re _doing it_ on my bed!”

Perrie is snorting now – hopefully with more clothes on than before – as Zayn calls Liam’s name in a way that Liam knows will mean he’s rolling his eyes. 

“It is _my_ sofa, mate!” Zayn says, sounding slightly annoyed. Understandable, considering what Liam and Louis just interrupted. “Maybe it’s time you find your own, yeah?” 

“You said I could stay as long as I needed to!” 

Zayn groans. “I did and I meant it. But mate, it’s been _eight months_ of not having the place to myself and-“

“You should have said if I was being an inconvenience!” Liam squawks, finger pointing in Zayn’s direction. His little outburst is met with a silence that seems to echo through the tiny room. 

“Think this calls for a cuppa,” Louis says and Perrie offers to help, having pulled on a shirt and pants while Liam’s eyes were covered. Liam’s fairly certain the satin boxers with smiley faces on them are Zayn’s. She presses her lips quick to Zayn’s cheek and smiles at Liam softly before following Louis into the kitchen. It’s not a huge flat by any means, but there’s a bit of a wall between them offering a tiny bit of privacy, such as it is. 

“Li, don’t make more of this than it is,” Zayn says softly, lifting his hips off the sofa and pulling up his jeans with a bit of a fight. He pats the cushion beside him and Liam hesitates for a second before joining him. 

“You know I love having you here but you’ve got your head sorted a bit more, yeah? A job you actually get up for. A. . . well, a whatever you and Louis are.” Liam blushes. “Wouldn’t you like to have a bed again? Your vinyls out of storage?”

Liam grunts a bit and Zayn knocks his shoulder with his own when Liam does, and it lightens the moment a little. Liam still feels a bit awful, though. “I do and I would, it’s just another big step, innit? Like, leaving here and setting up in my own place really means something. Everything’s changed, _I’ve_ changed. It’s just. . . it’s a lot.”

Zayn pats at Liam’s knee and his smile is lopsided. “Yeah, but all good things, mate. You seem a lot happier now. It might have been a shit way to make things happen, but I don’t think I’ve seen you like this before. Not with Dani anyway, not with yourself.”

Liam sighs and leans into Zayn’s shoulder a little more. “I wouldn’t even know where to start looking. I could probably swing something like this on my wage but, nothing big enough for the kids, too. Not here and not near their school.”

Zayn wraps his arm around Liam and pulls him closer, leaning his head on Liam’s. “Harry’s got a mate that might be able to help with that. He’s just bought this investment place in Penn. He and his cousin went in on it, except he’s had to move to Melbourne for work so it’s just him in this four bedroom place. Says he feels a bit lost knocking about on his own. He was talking to Harry about getting someone in, but not having the time to look. You could be the perfect answer, mate,”

Liam shrugs. It sounds like an idea but Liam’s met a lot of Harry’s mates and he isn’t sure how good a fit he might be in someone else’s home. 

“Why don’t we talk to Haz about it in the morning? Can’t hurt to ask or take a look and if it doesn’t work out you can still stay. But maybe you could turn it down a bit when you and Louis come back here, yeah? Thin walls in this place and you get a bit loud, mate!”

Liam’s eyes widen as his face heats and he hides himself in Zayn’s side.

“Got it sorted then, boys?” Perrie asks as she rounds the sofa with two mugs, Louis following behind. 

“Getting there,” Liam answers as Louis sits beside him, throwing his legs over Liam’s lap and managing not to spill one drop of tea. Louis winks at him and he just looks so genuinely happy to be here, happy to be with Liam that it makes his chest ache. He really does like Louis... maybe even more than that. 

Funny thing is, that doesn’t scare him at all.

 

: : :

 

He’s just about asleep in Louis’ bed when he can feel Louis’ eyes on him. They hadn’t even done anything tonight. Louis’d popped by the bar about an hour before Liam was due to finish his afternoon shift. They’d flirted disgustingly with each other until Paddy – the other barman on duty - shooed them out into the beer garden with a plate of chips to share. Chips had turned into a couple of steaks each and some salad from Simon in the kitchen. Then it was a few beers before they made the walk back to Louis’ which wasn’t all that far. Liam could pick up his car later. 

They’d walked hand in hand the entire way, talking about everything and nothing. It was nice. It was lovely. It made Liam’s heart full in a way he didn’t think was possible. They’d sat on Louis’ sofa with a cuppa each and James Corden’s new show on the telly before Louis shoved Liam at the shower, handing him some of the clothes he’d noticed missing from home. Louis didn’t say anything about where he’d got them – probably worn them home from Liam’s on nights they’d stayed there – but he did join Liam under the spray not long after. 

Now they were here, cuddled up on Louis’ bed and instead of sleeping – which Liam was happy to find Louis wanted to do as well – he can feel Louis staring.

“What?” he asks through a yawn, truly fighting back sleep.

“When were you going to tell me you had kids?” Louis asks softly, blanket pulled up under his chin with one hand. He looks small and curious and Liam wonders if his shock at this question coming pretty much from nowhere shows on his face.

“Kids?” he asks in return, trying to think of where and when he ever mentioned them. It’s something they haven’t done. Gone too deep into their lives, the most being about sports they like, movies they’ve seen and the few friends they share (Harry and Niall who Liam met earlier in the day at the pub, Harry setting up their meeting about being Niall’s potential flatmate). 

Louis speaks quickly, blinking a bit more than normal. “Yeah, you. I overheard you at Zayn’s the other night and then Niall mentioned something to me about it this afternoon and. . . you’ve never. You never said.”

Liam swallows hard, trying to think of how he can answer because Louis sounds a little hurt. “We don’t, we never talk about our lives proper all that much, Lou.”

Louis’ feet shift, his knees bumping the side of Liam’s thigh where he lies on his back, Louis curled up at his side. “No, but maybe we should.”

Liam turns, shoves his hand under his pillow so he can see Louis better. Louis’s left the lamp on behind him, casting most of his face in shadow, highlighting the cut of his cheekbones and prominent bow of his lips. He’s so bloody pretty and Liam doesn’t understand how someone as gorgeous as Louis is, can be interested in him at all. Not like this. Not in ways that Liam hopes they are headed for. 

“I know we were just, fucking about a bit but, it feels different. Like, I’m honestly not one to just shag someone and have that be the end of it, and with you, I knew I had to take it slow but. Just correct me if I’m wrong here, but we _are_ headed somewhere, yeah?”

Liam nods, reaching out with his free hand to find Louis fingertips on the mattress between them. He shakes Louis’ hand lightly. “I think so. I hope so.”

“Then. . .” Louis leads off and Liam closes his eyes for a moment to get himself together.

“It’s. . . you’re right about me wanting to take it slow, yeah? And it’s not just because you’re the first bloke I’ve been proper interested in. I got married when I was a bit over sixteen because my girlfriend got pregnant and we split up just before last Christmas after ten years together. It’d been over for a long time but, with three kids, you never really want to make that call you know? Anything but staying together felt like giving up,”

Louis nods, twisting their hands together a little more and squeezing gently for Liam to go on. He closes his eyes again before he starts. “It’s also a lot to ask of anyone, especially when you’re not sure if you’re starting something more or not, to bring all this baggage into the equation.”

“Your kids aren’t baggage, Liam,” Louis interrupts, tone a little harsh.

“I know,” Liam opens his eyes. “I know they’re not but there are three of them and my ex wife or whatever it is you call someone you don’t love or live with anymore. Then there’s me not even having a place of my own and I quit my job,”

“To find something you _do_ love, Liam. Who can’t be attracted to someone who loves what they do, who’s happy in their own skin?”

Liam snorts. “What a catch I am. Sleeping on me mate’s sofa and faffing about behind a bar like I’m in Uni trying to pay off school fees not bills for a house I don’t even live in anymore,”

Louis lets Liam’s hand go, curling over his shoulder instead with a light squeeze. “Hey, you’re bloody _trying_ , alright? You working on yourself, that can only benefit your kids in the long run,”

Liam sighs, turning his head into his pillow so he can only see Louis with one eye. “You think?” The guilt of not being able to provide for his children as much as he used to, would like to, is a constant weight on his shoulders. Hearing Louis talk like this though, makes it feel a little lighter.

“Mate, I’ve had two different step dads since I turned one and a multitude of near but not quite’s come through my mum’s house. I love my mum, I do. But I wish she had of taken the time like you to sort her head out after my dad left. She’s always sort of made do up until now. She went two years after Mark left, all of us in school and no dates on her part, just finding out who she was again before she let anyone else into her life, into ours. Just last year she married Dan and we only met him after she’d secretly dated him for six months.”

“And you all are okay, yeah?” Liam asks. Thoughts of Teddy pulling away even further than before and Lilly getting picky eating and Jules. . . well, Jules hasn’t changed at all, dance about his head. 

“All good. Well, my youngest sister eats crayons but-“

Liam’s eyes must bug open more than he thought with how Louis laughs, crowding into Liam’s space with his hand batting light on Liam’s chest. 

“You were joking weren’t you,” Liam states more than asks, because Louis is still giggling, eyes all scrunched up like he does when he really gets going.

Louis nods as his hand slides over Liam’s shoulder, fingertips toying with his hair as his thumb brushes soft over Liam’s throat. “Mostly, she only eats them on special occasions now.” 

Liam groans as Louis presses in closer. “Birthdays, Christmas,” Liam pushes at Louis’ hip. “Easter, bank hol- _idays_ , Liam!” Louis squeaks as Liam pinches the soft skin on Louis’ waist and Louis has to pause in his teasing to laugh harder.

Liam tickles Louis a little more with Louis squirming in his arms until he manages to push Liam onto his back, Louis basically lying on top of him, hands clasped in Liam’s on either side of his head. He’s smiling and his blue eyes are twinkling and Liam’s chest feels like it might explode. He’s so happy with Louis. He makes Liam feel so much and it’s too early to say it, too early to even _think_ it, but he’s always felt things too fast. Fell too hard and quickly.

“I’m not saying I want to meet your kids tomorrow or introduce you to my mum or anything, I’m just saying one day,” Louis says, his smile faltering a little though his voice is strong. 

It means a lot, Louis thinking like this. Planning ahead for something that they might not get to. They haven’t even learned each other’s last names yet.

“One day,” Liam agrees and Louis’ grin comes back in full force as he leans in, eyes focused on Liam’s. “Soon,” Liam says against Louis’ lips and that’s the end of their conversation on that subject for the time being, both too busy using their mouths for anything like words.

 

: : :

 

He picks the girls up from Dani’s bright and early the next morning, having slipped out of Louis’ bed with a kiss to his cheek and a slight grumble on Louis’ part. There was an extra spring in his step after having sorted with Niall – Harry’s mate with the house – for Liam to move in the following weekend. He was hoping to break it to his children today but, as usual, there would only be two in attendance. Theo’d disappeared to some friends place for the first week of school break and would conveniently not be back until Liam would return the girls. It didn’t matter what his dad had said, no matter how he tried he always seemed to fail on Theo’s part. He’d even gone all out today, found an Anglo Saxon gold exhibition going on at Birmingham Museum and bought train tickets because Jules and Lilly always loved riding them. 

It hurt, especially seeing as he’d told Dani a few weeks prior of his plans and she gave him the go ahead. It wasn’t as if the tickets cost much – twenty pound each for the exhibition and just under eight to get them there and back again. The thing was, Liam had already bought the tickets so he was out of pocket before the day had even begun. 

In the end, they have a lovely time. The girls are happy enough to wander the art gallery and share a milkshake and a sandwich at the café before heading off to the tour of Staffordshire Gold. It’s the whole reason they came in the first place. It’s a bit boring – even for Liam – so they find their way to the Round Room where a local musician is holding a concert. The girls entertain nearly everyone with their dancing, even the guitarist stood up to clap for them at the end. They wander about a bit more, find the Saturday Arts club’s open and with much wide eyed pleading, another three pound spent and the girls assuring the attendant they _really, truly, are five_ , it’s paints and oil pastels for the remainder of their stay. 

Liam carries them _and_ their canvases back to the station as the sun starts to set. It’s times like these that he longs for when they were smaller and wouldn’t put up too much of a fight getting into their double stroller. He finds an empty bench and it isn’t long before they’re both curled up on either side of him, using his legs as a pillow. They fall asleep right before the train arrives with Liam’s hands stroking over both their brows. They look so young and innocent when they’re like this. Lilly’s hacked at fringe is barely noticeable from where Jules decided to help her “style” it a month ago. It’s so easy to keep them happy, to make sure they feel loved. It doesn’t make any sense how he can do so well with the both of them and so terribly with Teddy.

Of course their train is delayed, leaving them sat at the station for an extra twenty minutes that turned into thirty with a signal failure. The girls sleep through it, which is a miracle in itself, considering how they’d started to bicker just before they’d left the Museum. He sends a quick text off to Dani to let her know they’ll be late and she offers to pick them all up when they get in, which is nice. Liam isn’t entirely sure it’s to help him out with two tired girls or so he doesn’t have to come back to the house. 

She’s been a bit off recently. Nothing he can pin down, but then again, he doesn’t really know her anymore. There are still the same tells when she’s stressed; hair up into a messy bun and leotard on under her clothes instead of a bra. Or when she’s angry; the twitch in her jaw and how often she taps her feet. This is different though. This is Dani quiet, almost as if she’s holding something back and Liam doesn’t know how to get her to open up about it. Or if it’s even still his place to do so. 

Still, she’s there when the train pulls in with big smiles for the girls and a curt nod for Liam. It doesn’t hurt as much as it had a month ago when she’d started doing that instead of saying his name or even hello. 

“But we want to go with Daddy,” Lilly whines, clinging to Liam’s neck as he tries to get her into the car. “I don’t want Daddy to go!” Jules adds, bursting into tears and reaching to the side from Dani’s arms toward Liam. 

It makes everything hurt, his heart aching to make her feel better. It’s mostly because they are both tired, but he knows it’s also due to the fact he’s hardly able to see them anymore. What with not having anywhere for them to come visit and Dani changing what days he could take them or even if he _could_ take them on a weekend at all.

“It’s all right, pet. Remember what we talked about at lunch today? A few more weeks and you’ll have your own room and everything! Niall said you could paint it whatever colour you wanted. Rainbows and polka dots or maybe you could talk Uncle Zayn into a mural just like the one you’ve got at home, yeah? Won’t that be nice?” 

Lilly hiccoughs and buries her head into his shoulder, rubbing her face in a way that he knows means he’ll have a lovely line of snot after. “Could he paint me Asgard with the rainbow bridge?” 

Liam laughs. “I think he could be persuaded.” He reaches over to where Jules is still trying to make a break from her mum’s arms, patting Lilly on the back. “What about you Miss Julia? You have any requests for me to take back to Zayn?”

She grabs at his fingers tight, Liam feeling the corresponding tug right at his heart. He blinks back tears of his own as she looks up at him with red rimmed eyes that are just as dark as her mother’s. “I don’t care about the walls, I want to come home with you!”

“Swap?” Liam asks Dani with a look over the top of Lilly’s head. She rolls her eyes but holds Jules out and takes Lilly, who’s quietened so much Liam thought she might have nodded back off – could sleep anywhere, that one. 

She clung to his neck the moment she wrapped her legs around his waist, sobbing all the harder. Liam rubs at her back, sweeping her hair from her forehead and behind her ear, making shushing sounds in hope to sooth her. He tries not to have favourites between his children, but there’s just something about Jules. Maybe it’s because they’d nearly lost her when she was born. Maybe it’s because she’s the opposite of how he felt most of the time. Brave and strong and confident – cheeky with a smile that makes those that don’t know her well think that butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. 

He leans back against the car as he listens to Dani settle Lilly in and Julia’s tears start to lessen. “What’s this really all about, hey? I thought you were okay with how things are. You know mummy and daddy still love each other, yeah? We still love you and Lilly and even Theo just as much.”

Jules’ little fingers are toying with the hair at the nape of his neck as she sighs biting her lip and looking up at him with eyes still wet. “I miss you. No one makes pancakes like you do. Especially not _Jesse_ ,” she says with a frown.

“Who’s Jesse?” Liam asks, wondering if Dani has finally gotten help for the afternoons when her class ran late and Liam’s working himself.

“Mummy’s boyfriend. He had a sleepover last night and he made pancakes but they were awful,” she says, screwing her face up. “He didn’t make smiley faces on them with fruit like you do. He put cream and jam on them.”

Liam’s mouth is dry and he’s not sure he can answer. His heart’s beating a little out of time and he’s not sure why this news are affecting him the way they are. He has a Louis, it’s only fair that Dani has someone else in her life, too.

Maybe it’s because she hasn’t told him.

Then again, he hasn’t told her, either.

“Well, well when you come visit at my new place, I’ll make you all the pancakes then, all right?”

“But that’s so far away,” she whined and Liam could hear that telltale squeak that meant a fresh batch of tears would soon be on their way. He hears the metallic sound of the door closing on the other side of the car, feels Dani’s presence as she returns to this side of the car more than sees it with his eyes focused on his little girl.

“Maybe I could come by early tomorrow and take you all out to breakfast. Would that be alright?” He looks up and catches Dani’s eye with a pleading look.

She’s already shaking her head, and Liam’s heart drops even further. “We’ll see. Now give your dad a kiss and say thank you for today. We need to be getting back home soon, Theo will be waiting.”

Jules snuggles in tight and presses her lips to his cheek, still wet from tears and sticky from some sweet he hadn’t quite cleaned off. “Thank you for today, Daddy. Love you best.” She kisses him once more and then leans out to her mum to put her in the car. Liam stands awkwardly at the side of the car while Dani settles her in. A bit of wind picks up and has him shoving his hands in his jacket’s pockets as she shuts the door and makes to walk back around to the driver’s side. 

“Dani,” he calls, because he knows what “we’ll see” means more than his kids do. Surely a breakfast with them before he had his shift in the afternoon shouldn’t be too much to ask? “About tomorrow-“

“There isn’t going to be a tomorrow, Liam,” she says with a sigh. “I’m not disrupting their routine just so you can satisfy your guilt over not seeing them enough,”

“My guilt?” he scoffs, a little louder than necessary. “I’m not the one introducing new people into their lives, where’s the routine in that? Or is this something more than just a one off that Jules told me about?” 

Dani’s hands go straight to her hips, a few strands of hair coming loose from the bun high on her head. “And when exactly were you going to tell me about getting a new place? Where’d you get the money for that?”

“I didn’t-“ Liam starts, finger pointing only to be stopped by a little knock on the window to his side. Jules is waving at him with an already asleep Lilly’s hand and blowing kisses with the other. He can’t argue like this here. Can’t speak to Dani like this in front of their children. They’ve never done it before, they shouldn’t start now. 

“It’s through a friend. He needs someone to make sure the rubbish is taken out and that the security system is more than just electronic when he’s away. I’m helping him out and he’s happy to have the kids come over. I was going to talk to you about it, I was excited today with the girls. I would never have just brought them home without having you come see it first.”

Dani softens at his words, wraps her arms around her waist instead. “Good luck having you put the rubbish out. You’d barely remember to take the bin out from the kitchen half the time.”

He laughs soft and she smiles and it feels a bit lighter, the air free of some of the tension from before. He leans up against the side of the car, tapping on the window to entertain Julia. 

“I did bring the bin in in the afternoon though,” he points out and Dani snorts, copying his position in mirror across from him, sweeping her hair away from her face.

“I was going to tell you about Jesse. It’s just very new and he wasn’t supposed to stay but his car wouldn’t start and it was pouring out so I couldn’t send him off in that. He slept on the sofa, Li. That’s all,”

Her brown eyes are easy to read, truth in her gaze and a little bit of embarrassment, too. There’s a twinkle of something else and Liam recognises that at least. It’s similar to what he sees when catches himself in the mirror thinking about Louis. 

It’s nice, really. That they both have someone. Feels a bit more like this was a good decision between them, ending things. Moving on.

“It’s okay, really, Dani. We’ve both got to move on some time, right?”

She kicks at his foot with her toes. “You say that like you’ve got someone yourself,”

He looks down, smiling, sure that his cheeks are on fire from the coo that she lets out, kicking at his shoe again. “You _do!_ Wow that’s. . . that’s really great, Li,”

“It’s new, too,” he says, biting at his lip as he’s overcome with images of Louis and how he feels when they’re together. “It’s different. But good different,”

He looks up and Dani is staring at him all soft and for a second, he’s reminded of the girl he took three weeks to work up the courage to ask out. The girl who he loved to make laugh, to hold when they danced at that party the first night they had sex. The girl who looked so absolutely exhausted but _glowed_ holding their son in her arms. 

She’d always be that girl, but she wasn’t the one that lit him up on the inside anymore. It was good that she might have found someone that wasn’t him to do that for her too.

“That’s good. That’s really good,” she says with a nod, reaching out to clasp her hand on his arm, a gentle squeeze above his elbow.

He smiles again, scrunching up his nose a little. “Better let you go then, got Theo waiting and all.”

She rolls her eyes and pushes off the car. “Little shit refused to come with me just to get the girls. I really don’t know what his problem is lately, Liam. I’ve never said anything bad about you around him and yet he’s taken it on like a personal vendetta to cut you out of our lives.” 

Liam nods, it feels that way to him too most of the time. He hates it and he has no idea what to do to solve the problem except keep trying like he has done.

She walks around and gets in the car as Liam steps back, ready to watch them drive off. 

She’s only just reversed the car out of the park when the passenger window slides down. “Liam?” she calls across the seat and Liam bends low to see in. “Seven tomorrow, that’ll give you enough time to take them out for breakfast before Teddy's usual brand of brattiness starts in. Don’t be late, yeah?” 

“Thanks, Dani,” Liam says, feeling like his face might actually break he’s smiling so hard. “That’d, that’ll be wonderful. Seven.”

She toots the horn as she drives off, he can see her hand waving out the back window as Julia does the same. 

It’s not a lot, but it’s a small win, and Liam’s learned to take those where he can get them.

 

: : :

 

“But it’s your _birthday_ , Liam! You can’t sit about and mope on it, and if you won’t let us take you out, we’ll bring the party to you! I’ve already talked it over with Nialler and he’s on board. Loves a good party, does our Irish!” 

Liam pushes the trolley on as Louis continues, throwing an abundance of crisp packets in that Liam keeps trying to pull back out but fails as Louis just doubles back, throwing them in again. He thought if he stopped trying to argue about not wanting to do anything for his birthday back when they were in the soda aisle, perhaps Louis would have stopped throwing _so much_ in the trolley.

Apparently, he was wrong.

“I don’t think you can say no anyhow, considering Harry’s already bought enough beer and liquor to restock the pub you work at, and Ed’s called in his mate to DJ for the night. Things are in _motion_ Liam,” Louis says turning to grab Liam’s cheeks in both his hands. “ _Motion_. Do you hear what I’m saying?”

Liam nods and puckers his lips to try and say yes, Louis leans up and kisses his pout twice. “Good, now no more arguing. Don’t worry about cost or anything because we’re all going in on this. Zayn, Harry, Niall and I all threw in a few quid and I know someone that can get us a suckling pig.” He pulls back, rolling his eyes and squeezing Liam’s cheeks a little harder. “And before you say it, yes, I know that Zayn doesn’t eat pig so Harold’s got that covered with one of the caf’s he runs bringing in some all organic, bean sprout chick pea _stuff_ that Zayn looked particularly happy about when Harry mentioned it at our meeting yesterday.”

“Meeting?” Liam asks around his smooshed lips.

Louis shakes his head. “You didn’t just think we’d pull this together out of thin air did you? Of _course_ we have meetings. Several. Now I’ve got to head down to the pharmacy aisle because _someone_ finished off the last of my lube last night!” He smacks another kiss to Liam’s lips, but Liam pulls him in close. 

He tugs Louis’ hands away from Liam’s face by his elbows and deepens their kiss, slipping his tongue into Louis’ mouth as soon as he opens it to protest. Liam’s not letting him get away with just a peck. Not after mentioning last night as easily as he did, knowing Liam would blush with the memory. 

It was more Louis’ fault than Liam’s that they’d run out of lube. He’d taught Liam how to stretch him out using his fingers the night before. Liam squirting half the bottle onto the bed, up his arm and Louis’ thighs as he tried to get a bit on his fingers and misjudged how tightly he was holding the tube. He _definitely_ hadn’t heard Louis complain as one finger became two, then three. Liam sucking the head of Louis’ cock in his mouth just as he started to come, thighs shaking and stomach muscles twitching on the come down. 

It was the closest they’d gotten to full penetrative sex. They’d talked about it a little and Liam liked the idea of it but wasn’t exactly ready. Louis kept telling him how much he liked it, wanted to share that with Liam, but he didn’t push and Liam didn’t either. Maybe after his birthday. Maybe once he was a little more confident putting his fingers in Louis and seeing how his body stretched to take just Liam’s fingers. How sexy the sounds that fell from Louis’ lips were as Liam curled the tips of his fingers the right way and grazed something on the inside of Louis that Liam had previously only seen in diagrams in his PSHE class. 

He knew that he wanted to make Louis feel good and Louis _obviously_ felt good with Liam fingering him open but. . . it was another step, wasn’t it? Something that made them more to each other than before. And he did feel closer to Louis. 

The night that they’d shared the little pieces of their lives seemed to change something between them. They shared a little more about themselves, but mostly stories from when they were young. Things that were safe. Who their first kisses were. What they’d been drinking the first time they’d thrown up drunk. They didn’t always have sex when they stayed at each others homes. They went out to dinner a few times and even a movie. Harry had lined up tickets for the following weekend for this band Louis loved that were playing in Manchester. Thinking in advance like this, having someone to do things _for_ meant something. 

Louis meant something.

The realisation had Liam stilling long enough for Louis to pull back, tugging Liam’s bottom lip between his teeth as he went. 

“You are far too sexy for your own good, babe.” His eyes sparkled as he danced out of Liam’s arms, reaching back to slap at Liam’s bum before raced off down the aisle. Liam turned around to grin after him, rolling his eyes as Louis called back, “Don’t forget the bread rolls!”

Liam rolls his eyes and mutters that he won’t. He’s still mumbling about the bloody bread rolls, trying to remember if he was supposed to get wholemeal or white or a mix of both when he runs his trolley straight into another one around the corner. Apologies start falling from his lips before he even looks up then he stops, smiling as he realises it’s Dani in front of him.

“Hi,” she answers, looking everywhere but at him which is slightly weird. “Having a party?” she nods at his trolley and Liam nods.

“Lads are throwing me one for my birthday tomorrow. It’s still okay for me to change weekends, yeah? Your parents happy to have them? I know you had that recital planned a month ago and I did promise, so if you need me to-“

“It’s fine. They’ll be fine. Look, I have to go. I just popped in for some milk and left Theo in charge. . . I have to, bye,” she says, taking off with her purse in one hand and leaving the trolley behind.

It’s near filled with fruit and vegies and the two boxes of cereal he knows the children like.  
No milk though.

Liam tries to follow where she’s darted off to, but it’s a bit crowded for a Friday night and he loses her fast. He’s a bit shaken by the way she ended things so abruptly and only realises why when Louis returns jumping on the front of the trolley, tossing in a few boxes and a familiar looking tube. “You didn’t get very far.” 

“Ran into someone,” Liam answers. He wonders if she saw any of him and Louis together. The kiss they shared wasn’t exactly polite for where they were and Louis slapped his arse, too. She was around the corner though, surely the stack of Weetabix on special this week would have blocked her view. 

It still doesn’t explain how quickly she left. Or the missing milk. Or why she left a half filled trolley in the isle.

“Did they knock you on the head, love?” Louis asks, his brows pinched in confusion as Liam still stands there. He shakes himself off with a forced grin. There’s no way to know if she saw anything, she might honestly have had to leave quickly. Without anything she obviously came on for. It was in a different aisle.

“C’mon then! To the bakery, good sir! And don’t spare the horses!” Louis cheers as Liam shakes himself off, racing the trolley – carefully – around the next corner.

 

: : :

 

He forgets about Dani and the strangeness that went on in the snacks aisle once his party gets started.

He has a house full of friends - or people that could become friends - to tend with. Alcohol to drink, food to be eaten and a ridiculous superhero cake to be cut before the night really starts. He and Louis dance for hours and snog for even more in between Louis dragging him off to Liam’s bedroom for a quick blowjob and Liam returning the favour in the downstairs bath an hour after. They drink and kiss and Liam ends up singing a bit when the night wears down to a familiar few as they sit around a fire Niall and his mates piled together early that afternoon. Niall has his guitar out and Liam can see why he is so wanted as a session guitarist - he only needs a name of a song or even someone humming a bit and he’s playing it like he wrote the notes himself. 

The weak light of dawn is making itself known at the horizon when he drags Louis back into the house and to his bedroom. They don’t even bother undressing, just kick off their shoes as they crawl under the covers, curling up around each other. 

“Did you have a good birthday, Li?” Louis asks through a yawn, lips dry and tickling at Liam’s neck where he’s tucked in tight.

“Best,” Liam answers, eyelids heavy with sleep and tugging their way closed. “Best ever.”

 

: : :

 

The house phone is ringing out. Again.

Liam’s standing out the front of the house that was once his home and the lights are on inside but no one’s answering the bloody phone. He’s called and left messages on Dani’s mobile a ridiculous amount of times this week, possibly more than the last. She hasn’t rung back or even texted and every time he’s dropped by the house she’s been out or at the very least, no one’s come running to the door. 

It’s really starting to annoy him. He hasn’t seen the kids since before his birthday and he has no idea what’s going on. She made excuses for them not coming over the weekend she had the recital, that her parents had made plans to take them to the aquarium in Birmingham. It was fine. Her parents did that every now and then, just took the children off to something that they knew Liam and Dani couldn’t quite find the money for without having to plan ahead, especially during school hols.

That was three weeks ago, and ever since there’d been excuses as to why he didn’t have to go and get them from out front of school or she wasn’t working the weekend shift anymore. Then she just stopped answering his calls and it was. . . fuck, he was so bloody _annoyed_.

“They’re my kids too, Dani. Why won’t you just answer your phone! I paid the bill last month, I know it’s still connected!” he says a little louder than he probably should while stood on the pavement outside with Mrs. Compton looking out her curtains to his left. Nosey cow.

He rings the bell again and again and he’s just about to take up knocking when the door flies open and Dani’s there.

“You _are_ home then!” Liam starts, leaning back on his heels to regain his balance after nearly falling in the door when she pulled it back so fast.

“You aren’t supposed to _be_ here,” is all she says, one hand on the door and the other on the frame, blocking his entrance.

“Well I wouldn’t know what day I’m supposed to be here, considering you haven’t answered any of the phones or my texts. What’s going-“

“No,” she says, shaking her head. “You aren’t supposed to be _here_. Did you not get,” she breaks off and closes her eyes for a minute, opening them again and pulling herself upright a little further. “Were you not at work yesterday? Home?”

“No, Harry needed someone to manage the bar down in Gloucester for the week. I only got in this morning, which you would have _known_ if you listened-“

“It doesn’t matter. None of that matters. You’ll find out when you check your mail I suppose so there’s no harm in telling you now. I’ve filed for divorce,”

“Okay. . .” Liam feels like he’s been slapped in the face. He has no idea where this is all coming from. “I thought, I thought we had to be separated for two years for this?” Not that he was ever going to contest it when the time came. He had at least thought it would be an easy process with how effortless it seemed to admit there was something wrong between them in the first place.

“That was before. You aren’t _allowed_ here, Liam. I don’t want you anywhere near my children,” she says, voice steely and brows pinched.

“You don’t. . . what?”

“I _saw_ you,” she spits. “I saw you with that man at the store! I saw what you were doing with our girls’ _teacher_ , Liam! He’s your something _new_ , something _different!_ ” 

Liam’s mouth drops open as he takes a step back, floored. “What do you mean, their teacher? Lou-“

“Louis Tomlinson? Mr Tommo? Your girls have only gone on and on about him all bloody year!”

Liam feels sick. His stomach’s gone and dropped out and he’s never seen Danielle look so angry.

“How long’s it been going on then? Before we broke up?”

“I never! I didn’t even know-“ he starts but she’s on a roll now. Liam’s mind’s going ninety to the dozen to remember Louis mentioning what school he worked at. If he’d ever met him during drop offs and pick ups. There was a parents night, he went to one but he doesn’t remember Louis. Wouldn’t he remember him?

Wouldn’t Louis have said?

“Have you been taking it up the arse the whole time we were together? Fucking guys instead of me?” she asks, but there’s a break in her voice now, tears evident in her eyes, spilling down her cheeks. “Was he even the first? You and Zayn have always been close. Does Perrie know? Should I call her, too?” she says and now she’s really crying and Liam’s shaking his head. 

“Never, Dani. Never this is. I didn’t know about. . . _Dani_ , please!” he steps forward and she steps back, the door closing as she tells him to leave. To go.

It’s only as he steps back out of the cover of the awning that he realises it’s been raining for a while now. And he’s soaked to the bone.

: : :

 

He gets back home, wet and shivering hours after leaving Dani. He feels empty, hollow. His whole world’s been turned upside down and he isn’t sure how to right it again. Niall pushes him into the shower, cursing at him about catching cold the whole time. Liam strips and stands there under the hot spray, steam all around him but feels nothing. He towels off and puts on whatever he grabs out of the dresser first, and heads downstairs to the kitchen where he can hear Niall puttering about.

Niall sets a bowl of soup in front of him, thick and chunky enough that it’s probably stew. He pops in a fork and a side of toast soldiers on a plate.

He leans against the counter opposite Liam and stares. He looks concerned and he probably has a right to be. Didn’t know he was inviting a pervert to live in his home. Didn’t know he was becoming friends with someone who fucked their daughter’s Reception teacher. Even if they were out of school when it mostly happened. Summer hols and all.

It wouldn’t matter. It would still look bad when the solicitor brought it up. 

“Now, I’m either going to make you talk before you eat all of that stew – it’s a family recipe and I’ve been cooking it all day so be bloody thankful you get the first bowl – or we talk after. Your choice. But I’m not having you come in wringing wet and white as a bloody ghost without you explaining why,” Niall says, soft and sure and like he’ll go through with what he says.

Liam might not have known Niall all that long, but he does know a few things. Niall is perpetual happiness, he loves a pint, loves his friends and loves Harry (even if they aren’t mutually exclusive). Somewhat in that order. 

He also knows that Niall doesn’t say a thing that he doesn’t mean so Liam might as well get it over with.

“My wife wants a divorce. She found out about Louis,” he says, tone flat.

Niall frowns, shifting from one foot to the other. “Well. The divorce bit is not all that unexpected, but what does it matter about Lou? He’s a great bloke. Is it that then? He’s not a bird?”

Liam starts to shake his head but finds himself nodding. “Sort of,” he tucks his toes under the bar of the stool, licks at his lips. “He’s Lilly’s and Jules’ teacher. Was their teacher before they finished Reception. It looks, it looks really bad Niall. She’s really upset.”

“And you’re not?”

“I am. I don’t. . . I don’t know what to think or feel. I mean, wouldn’t he have known who I was? Surely I met him once. I know I went to a parent night at the beginning of the year and I remember meeting one of their teachers but I can’t recall him specifically.”

No blue eyes. No flirty pointy tooth smile. No curves and a brilliant bum. No Louis at all.

He scrubs his hands over his face and whines. “Just when everything was starting to not be shit. She’s going to have good solicitors, Niall. Her parents have money and I’ll what - have some dickhead freebie from legal aid who probably hates his job more than I hated working at the carpet place? I can’t lose my kids, Niall. I can’t.”

Christ, he remembers how her parents tolerate him at best. Even after all these years. Even after he married her and played fucking house and loved her as much as he thought he could. They’ve never really approved of him and this... well this is their out, isn’t it? This is Dani finally siding with them on what a proper shit he is and he’ll never see his kids again if they’ve got anything to do with it. He knows how her dad feels about gays. He’s heard the language he’s whispered under his breath at parties and when they’ve been out for dinner or something. 

Why’d he have to go and fall for Louis?

Why’d he have to add even more stupid fuck ups to his life?

“I’ll move out. I’ll get a place on my own, somewhere the kids can have a room each near their school. I’ll find a job with more consistent hours. I’ll. . . I’ll. . .” 

Break up with Louis.

He’ll have to end things with Louis.

“I can’t not have my kids, Niall. I just can’t,” he sobs out the last words and it feels like his heart’s breaking again with all of this. The possibility of never seeing his kids. Dani being so hurtful. Louis.

Niall is around the counter before Liam can blink, wrapping Liam in his arms and letting him sob all over his chest. When Liam finally calms down some, Niall’s handing him the shirt off his back to wipe his nose with.

“Might as well, you’ve already got enough snot on there, Liam ,” he says with a grin and Liam laughs wetly, sniffling against the admittedly gross shirt.

“Look. I’ve got this mate who’s a solicitor, yeah?” Niall starts, and Liam’s already shaking his head. He’s not got money for that. “He’s good, really good and he owes me a favour.” Niall pushes on.

“I can’t-“

“You can’t what?” Niall huffs, brows raised. “You’ll bloody take what’s given to you, Liam. You’re my mate and mates do what they can to help each other out. Especially in shitty situations like this. Don’t worry about it.” 

Liam opens his mouth to speak and Niall’s there putting a finger to his lips. “Unless the next words out of your mouth are, ‘thank you, Nialler,’ I don’t want to hear them,”

Liam snorts as Niall’s stern face softens into his more regular grin. “Thank you, Niall. I’m really glad I have you. Harry’s a lucky man,”

Niall sighs and heads for the stairs, probably to get another shirt on. “You’re easy to be a friend to. Harry on the other hand,” he laughs and Liam joins him. He knows that Niall likes Harry a little more than he’ll ever admit. Knows that he won’t do anything about it with the way Harry seems to flutter effortlessly between friends, lovers, people in general. Then again, he’s seen the way Harry lights up when Niall’s around. Seen the look he gets when he’s staring at Niall, when Harry thinks no one else is watching.

It’s the same way he’s caught Louis looking at him.

Hurt blooms fresh under his chest, not even rubbing at it with his palm makes a difference.

He has no other choice. He has to let Louis go.

 

: : :

 

He does it after he sees Niall’s solicitor mate on a beautiful cloudless autumn day. He still has Bressie’s warnings ringing in his ears. To keep himself out of trouble. Try to get his life in order and looking like he’d provide a good environment for the children to come to. Zayn’s talking to a friend that might be able to help out with a job that keeps regular hours. He’s applied for a few bedsits in a few different locations and Harry’s giving him a glowing reference for whatever he needs it for. He’s got these amazing friends who all want to help and then. . . there’s Louis.

Louis sounds happy that he called. Eager to have Liam come over to his house for dinner when it’s been a good few days since they’ve seen each other. Liam once again avoiding Lou’s calls and answering texts when he now knows Louis won’t be able to answer them. School’s back. His daughters are in a new class with a new teacher and nothing to do with Louis anymore.

Louis kisses him fast and hard when he opens the door and Liam lets him. Lets the taste of Louis linger on his tongue as he follows him into the kitchen. Louis babbles on about the chicken being ready soon and not being sure if white or red is better to go with their meal. He sounds so happy. So upbeat. Liam’s hands a shaking. He shoves them into his jacket pockets. Louis hasn’t noticed that he didn’t take it off.

“Louis,” Liam starts once Louis is finished looking in the oven, the smell of something warm and delicious filling his senses. 

Louis’ is still talking. “Haven’t made this in a while so be nice, okay? Like, if it tastes shit just tell me and we’ll order in, yeah?” 

He’s fussing with the drawers looking for the bottle opener, not paying Liam mind at all. It hurts already and he hasn’t even said anything. It’s just Louis. Louis being himself with his excited nattering and looking a million times gorgeous with his hair still a bit damp, curling at his neck and ears from the shower he’s had. He’s got his rattiest pair of joggers on, the ones that he calls his “sparkle joggers” that match his sparkle socks and one of Liam’s black hoodies that he left here a few weeks back. Louis’ shit at washing things separately. Another fact about Louis that Liam knows. That he found endearing.

Something else he’s going to have to learn to forget. The cut of Louis’ jaw, the curve of his waist, the blue of his eyes.

Some things are going to be easier than others.

“I know it’s in here somewhere. I mean, why I had to go and pick the only bottle that wasn’t a screw top is beyond me,” he laughs and sounds a little manic and fuck.

Fuck.

Tonight’s something special to Louis. How did Liam not realise over the phone?

“You cooked?” Liam says and Louis makes a noise that’s sort of the equivalent of “well, yes, obviously,” instead of words.

“You cooked and you bought wine and. . . did you set the table with _candles?”_ Liam’s voice goes up a notch as he turns toward the living room and takes in the sight of the desk Louis usually has an abundance of paperwork littered over that’s looking more like some romantic table for two. Flowers, candles table cloth and all.

“Jesus,” Liam swears under his breath. “ _Louis_ ,”

“It’s not too much, yeah? It’s just. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you and you’ve been busy and I’ve been busy and I meant what I said, yeah? About us being more?” He’s smiling at Liam and it’s almost too much. Becomes too much, when Louis puts the wine bottle and the opener on the bench behind him and steps up close to Liam. Slides his hands up Liam’s chest and grabs at his lapels, tugging soft. 

“Why’ve you still got this on then? It’s hot enough in here with the stove going and I’ve got the heat turned on for after.” He steps up on his tip toes, lips skimming Liam’s cheek as he turns his head at the last moment.

He can’t kiss Louis again. He can’t drag this out any more.

He steps back, and back again, feeling sick and hating himself for every shift away from Louis’ warmth.

Louis tilts his head a little to the side, hands still held out in front of him. “Liam?”

Liam starts shaking his head. “I can’t... I can’t do this anymore,” is what he finds himself saying. Nothing like the little speech he’d prepared for nights now. For days he’s had what he wants to say to make this not be as horrible as he knows it’s going to be.

Breaking up with Louis was never going to be easy, but this?

“It’s too much, innit? I always try too hard and fuck. Fuck it up,” Louis says and he’s smiling, but it’s forced, Liam can see the hurt in his eyes.

It’s only just the start.

Louis turns away and blabbers on about the wine, that he’s definitely going to need both bottles now. Liam calls his name again and it must have something in it, some different tone that Liam can’t hear because Louis stills. Stops. Put the corkscrew down again.

“I came over. I came to talk to you. To tell you that,” Jesus. Liam can’t even get it out. He can’t. 

It’s so bloody _hard_ to do this on purpose. To hurt Louis when he really, really doesn’t want to. He knows he has to though. It'll be easier in the long run, if Dani decided to go to the school, to tell them that Liam and Louis had been having an affair - even though they hadn't technically done anything while the girls were his to teach - it would still look bad on Louis' part. She could end his career if she wanted, told the right people, told them things they wanted to hear, true or not. He knows how good Louis' is. He knows that if he told Louis the truth, told him what Dani knows and has come to her own conclusions about, that Louis would take it on the chin. He'd find some way to fight back, some way to be even more supportive than he already has been. He can't risk Louis' career though. He can't.

It's for the best, what Liam's about to do. It's better if Liam lies a little to save Louis in the long run. 

“You said we were headed somewhere, Liam. You told me,” Louis says and his voice may sound steady, but Liam can see the tight line of his shoulders. Can read him like a book now. 

“I did. I just. I’m getting back with Dani,” he says, words falling out of his mouth with an ease that shouldn’t be there. 

“You’re fucking _what?_ ” Louis turns and he looks confused. Shocked.

“It’s better for the kids, it’ll be better for the children if we stay together. This apart thing isn’t working for anyone.” Liam shrugs and looks at the floor. He can’t look at Louis anymore. Can’t lie this purposefully when it hurts his heart so much with each word.

“You don’t. You don’t love her. She doesn’t love you. You’ve not told me much but that, that you’ve been certain of.”

Liam shrugs. “People can change their minds.”

Louis snorts. “Oh fuck off, you’ve been spending more nights with me, in my fucking bed than you’ve been at your own. Just _when_ did you fall back in love with her then? When?”

“It’s what’s best for my kids, Lou-“

“Don’t. Don’t call me that. You can’t call me that and tell me we’re not anything. You can’t just say it’s for your kids!”

“It is though!” Liam spits because he’s not going to get out of this easy. Louis’s going to make him fight for it. Fight just to break his heart. “I can’t lose them, Louis. I can’t and it’s better, it’ll be better this way.”

Louis looks at him like he’s got two heads. “It’ll be better having a dad who’s lying to himself?”

“I’m not. I love her,” Liam says and shifts a bit on his feet. The words feel so foreign on his tongue now. Loving someone that isn’t the person he’s tearing apart in front of him. It all feels so wrong.

“I don’t know much about you, Liam. But I do know you’re a shit liar and what you just said makes no sense at all. You said we were going somewhere. You said. You promised I’d meet your kids how is this-“

“It’s not the same. Things have changed. Look, I like you a lot-“

Louis laughs and it’s awful and makes Liam’s chest ache. “Like? Fucking _like_?” he shouts, only getting louder. “So what, I’m just some big gay experiment for you? Get your bloody kicks while the wifey’s out of the picture, have your fucking quarter life crisis, get your cock sucked on a regular basis far better than your wife ever has done, and that’s it? She calls and you come running?”

“It’s not-“

“Oh fuck you it’s not.” His blue eyes blaze as he turns back to Liam. Louis is so angry he’s near shaking with it. “Fuck you Liam. Fuck you for making me fucking care about you. Fuck you for making me think this was real and fuck you _very_ much for making me fall in love with you!”

Liam staggers back. He knew. He knew his own feelings. Knew that he was falling deep with Louis and he knew that this would hurt but to hear Louis say he was in it just as much as Liam is. Was. This hurts more than he can bear.

“I’m so-”

“Don’t say it. Don’t say you’re sorry because right now, I’m fucking sorry enough for the both of us,” Louis says, shaking his head, turning his back to Liam once more.

“But I am. I’m-“

“Will you just _fuck off!”_ Louis shouts, voice echoing through the flat, cutting Liam to the bone. 

He stands there, because as much as he knows he should go, he doesn’t want to. Doesn’t want to leave Louis like this. It hurts too much. He’s _hurt_ Louis too much. 

“Leave. Leave, Liam. Just go!” Louis slams his hand down on the bench top and Liam jumps with the sound.

“Louis.”

Louis’ shoulders are shaking and Liam feels as broken as Louis looks. This hurts so fucking much. So much.

“Please.” Louis whispers. This barely there sound.

Liam goes.

 

: : :

 

It’s his last shift at the pub when his dad pops in. It takes Liam by surprise, they haven’t really spoken properly since he sort of came out to his dad. Well, admitted to having a Louis. 

Not that he has one anymore. 

“Hiya, Dad,” he says with an uneasy smile. “What’re you doing here?” 

His dad sits up on one of the empty stools, the pub pretty much empty at two on a Thursday afternoon. He takes off his pork pie hat that Nicola gave him for his birthday the year before and runs his hand through his hair. 

“Can’t a man come share a pint with his son?” his dad asks after clearing his throat. He’s not really looking at Liam and it shouldn’t hurt like it does. 

He’s gotten this almost silent treatment from his dad when he took the kids up there. . . before. Before Dani refused to let him see his kids and Liam didn’t kick up a fuss because in the long run, he didn’t want to give her any more ammunition against him than he had to. He’d move into the shitty bedsit near bloody Andy of all people on the weekend. He’d started his new job at Zayn’s mate’s garage where his pay wasn’t that great but he’d been promised he’d only have to work one Saturday a month. Ant’s a dad too and completely understood what Liam was going through. Not that he’d got divorced, he’d never actually been with his lad’s mother. A one night stand that turned into a lifetime linked together. 

He’ll be fine. He’ll work on being fine until he gets this paperwork out of the way in the next five weeks. He’s just got to make everything look perfect until then. He can’t worry about his own heart anymore. His kids and having them have to come first.

“Course you can, dad,” Liam answers, pouring his dad a pint of his favourite and waiting from him to speak. 

He takes a first sip and sighs putting the glass back as Liam wipes down the counter, even though it’s clean. He feels all sorts of nervous with his dad here like this, so sudden and out of the blue. The thing is, he hasn’t told them yet. Hasn’t had the time to really.

Hasn’t wanted to let them know just how much worse everything in his life is turning out.

“Do you get a lunch or tea break soon?” his dad asks, turning the glass slow between his index finger and thumb. He’s staring at his beer like it holds all the answers. Or at least, like it’s so much more interesting that actually looking Liam in the eye.

It somehow makes Liam feel even worse.

And today had started out so well, with Andy offering to bring Maz and help him move on the weekend with Maz’s truck from the removals firm he worked for, free of charge. Well, not completely free, Liam did owe them both a bottle of scotch each but it was still cheaper than hiring someone to get his stuff out of storage, to pick up the few things that he’d been given to set up the house. That included a bed, dresser and sofa from one of Harry’s pubs – they’d been redecorating the upstairs and Harry assured him they’d given to a charity anyway, so why couldn’t Liam have them? Perrie’s family had pitched in a bunk bed from a cousin’s daughters who were no longer needing them so that was the girls room sorted. Then Zayn’s mum knew of someone who needed to get rid of a single and that was it. Every room had furniture and every one would have somewhere to sleep. Once Liam was able to see the kids again. Whenever that was.

He’s about to say no, purely because he _has_ had his break for the day, when Paddy’s voice pipes up from behind, after coming out of the cellar. “You can take off for a bit, Li. You never bloody take your breaks and it’s not as if we’re overrun at this time of day! Go on, spend some time with your Da,” 

Paddy’s grinning at him and Liam’s echoing smile is slow to form. Bloody Paddy. He _knows_ Liam hasn’t told his family yet. Probably knows that Liam’s been putting it off, too. Niall likes to talk when he’s had a pint and he _loves_ talking to Paddy. Probably because they’re both Irish and – as it turns out – are related through second or third cousins. Liam could never quite figure it out. It makes even less sense when their accents get thicker with every pint.

“Let’s go for a walk, yeah?” his dad asks, finally looking at Liam proper, a moment before they dart away again. Liam nods anyway. There’s no getting out of it now. He’ll just have to use this opportunity to tell him. 

Paddy’s grinning as Liam walks past, throws the tea towel at him on his way around the side and out to meet his dad at the door. He shrugs his coat on, the weather a bit nippy now it’s nearly October, nearly a year since his marriage ended and only another five weeks until it’s proper official. Five weeks until he finds out whether he gets to see his kids again or not.

They don’t speak as they walk along the road, the street quiet apart from the bustle of those heading back from a late lunch or getting a move on to pick up their kids. It’s a little too quiet, leaves Liam in his head a bit, and it’s only when his dad stops and sits that he realises where they’ve gone.

The quacking helps to figure that out, too.

It’s his park. The one that he would visit every lunch break when he was realising how much he hated what his life had become. He smiles, just for a minute, as he recognises a few from the last season they’d flown in, escaping the cold european winter for the not as harsh english season. There’s the one with the funny foot – must have broken when he was younger – as he hobbles along. There’s the one with the white splash over his eye and the other with the feathers that stick out a bit on his head, making him look like he’s got a mohawk. Liam always calls them boys in his head, not knowing exactly how to tell the difference. They’re probably all female for as much as he can guess.

“Should have brought some bread,” he says, mostly to himself, forgetting that his dad’s sat beside him.

“You always loved feeding the ducks when you were a boy. Had to bring you to the park every weekend when they were around so you could check on them,” his dad says with a chuckle.

Liam turns, his dad’s looking out over the pond, too. A crinkle to the corner of his eyes and a fond look that Liam can’t begin to remember seeing before. Maybe when he was talking to Liam’s kids. But not to Liam. Not for many years now. 

It makes his smile turn sour.

Christ, not even things that used to make him happy can now. It feels like he’ll never truly feel that way again. His breath catches in his throat as he leans back onto the seat and he has to close his eyes, tears welling up without his permission.

There was a time when he’d go to his dad when he felt like this. When hugs were plentiful and kind words were given without thought. When he felt like his dad loved him unconditionally, liked him at the very least.

“Your mother ran into Mrs. Peazer down at the hair salon the other day,” his dad starts, clearing his throat. “Told her that she hoped feelings wouldn’t get hurt. That they’d still find a way for us to see the grandkids. That they didn’t blame us in the slightest for what our son had done. Didn’t think that deviant behaviour ran in the family,”

“Oh god,” Liam’s stomach drops and he feels cold all over. His dad might not sound upset but Liam. . . fuck, Liam feels sick. He leans over, hands on his thighs and head between his knees. 

His dad’s hand is warm on his back, a reassuring weight when Liam’s just trying to count his breaths so the bacon butty Simon made him for lunch earlier doesn’t come back up. 

“I’m so sorry,” is all he can say. Over and over as his dad shushes him and Liam’s tears run unchecked down his cheeks to the grass below. “I’m so fucking sorry, dad,” he chokes out. 

“Hey now, hey. Enough of that son. It’s not. _Liam_.” He pulls at Liam’s shoulder lightly and Liam goes with it. Lets his dad tug him up and pull him against his chest like he used to do when Liam was little. When the lads on the corner would tease him for his size. When he’d fall off his bike and skin his knee. When he was afraid of monsters in the dark.

The thing is. His monsters aren’t in the dark anymore. They’re right there in the form of Danielle’s parents’ bank accounts and solicitors. The hurts are just as deep on the inside that a plaster can’t help heal, the lads on the corner are just as loud in his head, the same words repeated over and over. Poof and freak and gay boy and all those things they’d say are true now. Liam might not be with Louis anymore, but it doesn’t stop his heart from remembering what it felt like to be with him. To remember how right it felt in his arms. To remember how Louis would only kiss him harder if he heard someone yelling out “queers” or squeeze his hand tighter if someone frowned at them in the street. 

He misses Louis so much.

“It’s going to be okay, Liam,” his dad says, and he sounds so sure.

Liam’s already shaking his head, wiping at his nose with the back of his hand, snot on his sleeve like he’s ten once more.

“No, it’s not. It’s not going to be alright, Dad. She wants the kids and the best I can hope for is supervised visits. Supervised visits to my own kids and Teddy won’t want to be there. It’s all gone to shit. All of it,” Liam sobs and feels all of it. Every single thing he keeps trying to stay positive about since he met with Niall’s mate Bressie, comes crashing down.

“What’s your lad think then, the one you told me about?” 

Liam closes his eyes again and shakes his head. “No lad. He’s the. . . had to let him go.”

God, it hurts, it _aches_ just to even think about Louis still and it’s been a week now. Shouldn’t it have lessened? Shouldn’t breaking his own heart and Louis’ have started to feel a bit less like the worst possible thing he’s done in his life?

“Why? This is a time when you need people that love you. People that will be there for you, that you can lean on,” his dad says and Liam can hear that his dad’s getting choked up. That’s Payne men for you, can’t keep their emotions in check, always crying at something or other. “Your family.”

“Family?” He scoffs, pulling out of his dad’s reach. “I’ve not heard from Ruth since my birthday text and Nicola doesn’t return my calls. And you. . . I can _feel_ how much you hate me, Dad. Hate who I am,”

He feels more than see’s his dad stiffen at his side. “Hate?” his dad breathes out. “I couldn’t. Liam, you’re my son. My _son_ ,” he says more firmly, fingertips pressed into Liam’s shoulder so he has to turn and look at his Dad.

“I could never hate you. Never. You’re the very best thing I ever did in my life and if you’ve ever, you think that I could _ever_ feel that way-“

“But you do. You have to!” God, it’s all coming out now. All the things he’s pushed down deep. The hurt he’s felt from all his father’s looks, all the words unspoken and hums that weren’t anywhere near enough. “You don’t look at me, you don’t call. You’ve been distancing yourself ever since I came home and told you Dani was pregnant. I heard. I heard you crying on mum that night. That you were so disappointed. Disappointed in me.” 

“I’ve never, oh Jesus, Liam, I’ve never been disappointed in you. Never.” He’s shaking his head and fresh tears line his cheeks. “I’ve only ever _worried_ about you, son. You’ve never taken these easy paths in life. Yes, the first one was dealt to you but you took it on with such gusto, you were the one that came to us with your head on straight saying you’d stand by what you’d done.”

“You married that girl and you tried so hard to have a good life. To provide for your family and I’m so bloody proud of you for that. It takes a lot for someone to admit when things aren’t working and you pushed to keep your family going even when you were falling apart and then this boy happened and. . . it’s not the fact that he’s a _he_ , Liam. It’s the fact that this is another hard path for you. Take away Dani and the divorce and just you falling for this lad is something else that’s going to be difficult. I love you so much, so bloody much,” His dad pauses, choking on a sob. “All I want for you is to be happy. To be happy with who you are and to have love in your life. I wouldn’t care if it were a girl or a boy or a bloody car if you’re one of those fetish types-“

“Christ, no, Dad!” Liam interrupts, eyes wide.

His dad smiles but then looks serious again. “I just want you to be happy. You’re my boy and I missed out on all these things with you. Little things like playing snooker down at the pub or even having you come to me for advice on girls and I can’t help you with any of this. With getting a divorce or getting your lad back because they’re not things I have experience with. It’s another thing I can’t help you with and I don’t. . . it’s hard for me to sit back and watch when I’ve nothing to offer,”

“Just love me, Dad. Just listen to me talk and tell me it’s all going to be alright. I just want someone to tell me it’s all going to be alright,” Liam whispers, too choked up with emotion to speak too loud. 

His dad blinks and grins wetly, taking Liam’s hands into his own. “It will be, Liam. It’ll all work out in the end. You’ve just. You love your kids and you’re trying to get on with your life, provide for them. They’ll see that. They’ll not take your kids away from you.”

“I hope so, Dad. I hope so.”

“And your lad. You’ll sort that. Maybe not now, but you will. You can’t be on your own forever, Liam. You need to find your own happiness, too.”

 _Too late for that_ Liam thinks, just as there’s a loud whooshing by the pond. A group of ducks lift off from the water, one falling slightly behind and out of sync with the V the rest are all flying in. Liam watches the last duck until they all disappear from sight.


	5. Chapter 5

**Part Five**

 

Liam likes working at the garage. It can get a bit slow. A bit monotonous, but Liam finds there’s a sort of beauty in the rhythm of things when he gets lost in it all. Car engines are sort of like puzzles. One tiny screw loose or a burnt out part messes up with the whole process. Engines won’t start. Lights won’t flicker. 

Liam’s always been fond of a challenge. Was a bit stubborn in that way, not giving up at anything until he’d fixed it. Sorted out all the minute details until it’s complete. Perfect.

If only his life were as easy as a complete engine overhaul. 

 

: : :

 

He still has Louis’ number on his phone.

He finds himself looking at the photo of Louis’ that the man himself added as his contact photo more often than not. Just stares at it. Imagines conversations they could be having. Imagines what Louis’ is doing at that moment.

He eats his lunch and stares at his phone and laughs along with Danny – Ant’s brother who’s teaching him about engines and such – when Danny teases him about looking up porn.

He doesn’t correct him. Doesn’t talk much, really. 

Just looks at his phone and eats his sandwich and wonders what his life could have been like if it all hadn’t of turned so very wrong.

 

: : :

 

It’s Liam’s first weekend off and he’s finally seeing the kids on Sunday. Bressie sorted that Dani couldn’t legally keep him away from his kids without good reason. It’ll be supervised, Dani’s dad offering to come with them, which Liam knows is purely so he can keep an eye on Liam more than anything else. Bressie was all for arguing against that too, but Liam missed his kids. He would have taken seeing them with all of Dani’s family if it meant just a few hours to hold them close, see them smile.

It’s all lined up, which means Liam’s able to at least start on repainting the kitchen in the four bedroom terrace he moved into. He managed to haggle down the rent per month, purely because it needed a bit of work and the landlord was too skint or tight to do it himself. The fittings are all fine and the structures good, but the decorating hasn’t been updated since the seventies. The wooden floors are covered in splatters of paint from the previous tenants’ attempts at livening up the walls. Someone attempted to peel the wallpaper off in the living room and got bored halfway by the looks of things. In truth it’s a bit of a tip, but Liam’s sure he can have it at least looking liveable by the time he gets his kids back. If he does. No, _when_ he does.

He’s busy sanding back the holes he filled in the day before in the kitchen when his dad’s voice echoes from the front door. It’s not all that unexpected, they’ve both been making more of an effort of late.

Like his Dad coming up the weekend Liam moved, car and trailer attached ready to help out with whatever Liam needed. At the end of the day, when all the boxes were inside and the furniture in rooms it mostly belonged in, they’d finally sat down. Conversation flowed easily, as did the case of lager Liam had put in the fridge the moment they’d got the thing in and turned on. Liam chatted a fair bit with Andy, catching up on the gossip from the carpet place but his ear kept finding it’s way back to the sound of his Dad’s voice. He was discussing the previous weekends match where Niall’s Rams thrashed the Wanderers five nil, Niall’s laughter ringing out as his dad tried to defend each “bad” call. Then he was asking Zayn about his family and about Perrie, how serious it is. He worked his way around to Danny and Ant too, getting advice on his car but also talking to Danny about his little girl. 

It hit Liam, when he was sitting there, nursing his third beer of the afternoon, that he’d not seen his dad like this. That he’d never really included his dad in his life in this way. Never introduced a friend that wasn’t Zayn, and that was back when they were in primary school. As much as he’d felt left out by his father, he’d basically done the same thing himself.

Liam himself had called around home after work one Wednesday to have dinner with his parents, spending most of that time on the sofa talking with his dad about near everything under the sun. If his dad could make the first attempt at fixing their relationship, then Liam was determined to meet him halfway.

So, not a surprise then, his dad turning up with paint rollers in one hand and a few tins of undercoat in the other. Conversation between them is easier as they work together quietly, the hum of Liam’s phone plugged into the stereo providing background noise between them. One of his Sinatra albums shuffles on and then they’re trading lines back and forth like they’re Dean and Frank. Liam finds himself smiling a lot more and when they break for lunch – his mum having sent sandwiches and a bit of her chocolate cake – Liam finds talking to his dad for the first time in a long time, easy.

“You have paint for the upstairs?” his dad asks, between mouthfuls of strong tea that make the whiskers of his moustache darken at his lips. 

Liam shrugs, chewing on the last bit of crust from his sandwich before he answers. “Not really. I’m doing what I can, but the downstairs needs a bit more work. Didn’t realise how expensive it is to hire one of those wallpaper machines. Even if Harry knows a bloke that can lend it to me for near nothing.”

His dad nods and wipes at his mouth with the back of his hand. “I was talking to Larry down at the hardware store before I came over, and he’d be more than willing to give you some of the old stock. He still remembers you singing that Christmas down at the church when you were what, eight or nine?” 

Liam nods, he was ten actually. He sort of stopped going to church after that year. Better things to do like kick a ball about, play Nintendo at Zayn’s house and generally laze about. 

“Anyway, they’re not going to be anything that nice in the colour department, nothing too garish, mind. But I did mention your girls and Theo, so I think he might make sure something appropriate is in the cans,” his dad stands up, taking both their plates and rinsing them under the sink. 

“That’s. That’s really lovely, Dad. Tell him to bring the car down the shop and I’ll give him a free oil change, yeah?” Liam can at least do that. It was one of the first things Danny taught him. Covered in the shit the first day he had to do it on his own. Danny’s laughter echoed in his ears for hours after.

His dad hums as he turns around, picks up the roller and a tin of undercoat that he’d brought with him. “Best make a start now, yeah? Told your mother I’d be home in time for dinner. She’s got a Shepherds pie out tonight,”

Liam closes his eyes and moans wistfully. He _loves_ his mum’s shepherds pie. Dani could never make it the same. Even when Liam got his mum’s recipe and tried his hand at it himself, it just wasn’t like it either.

His dad’s chuckling. “Said there were enough for three if you want to pop over. Think she’s in the mood to coddle you a bit with everything going on,”

With everything going on. That’s how they’ve been referring to it. The fact Liam might lose his kids. That his parents might not see their grandchildren anymore. Liam’s dad is positive. Has faith that they’ll see how well Liam’s doing for himself. The effort he’s making to create a proper home for his kids and start a new life. His mum, though. She’d been the first to visit when they were all born. The first one outside Liam and Dani to hold them close to her heart. 

She looks more stressed than Liam does every time he sees her or hears her voice on the phone. 

“I can deal with mum, Dad. Especially if it means not cooking for myself,” Liam answers, pouring paint into the shallow tray.

“Not long now, son. Not long and the worst of this will be over and you’ll not get a word in at dinner with the way your girls talk over themselves.”

Liam smiles, but it’s not a proper one. He misses those loud dinners. Never thought he would with how awkward he felt in his parents home. His own sisters are doing well in their lives, and never quite understanding Liam and his three kids and a wife before they’d even left home. There was distance between all of them, really. Something else for Liam to work on.

“I’ll come up and see you both Tuesday when I knock off early. Let you know all about how tomorrow goes.”

His dad snorts as Liam hands him the paint try. “You just remember that they’re your kids, and nothing Danielle’s bloody father can do or say can take that away from you.”

Liam nods, heart heavy already. He’s never had to spend any amount of time willingly with just Dani’s father. Even with the kids there tomorrow, it’s bound to be awkward. Liam’s stomach is already turning itself in knots with the thought.

 

: : :

 

It’s bloody noisy is what it is. How on earth he’s supposed to have conversations with his kids when he can barely hear himself _think_ is ridiculous. Why Dani thought it would be a good idea for them to catch up at one of those kids indoor play centres is beyond him. The girls are enjoying themselves, though. He’s seen them for all of two minutes when they all met in the carpark and then it was in through the door and disappearing in the ball pit within a blink. Not Theo though. Theo’s sat beside his grandad and hasn’t even looked at him apart from the barely grunted, “Hello, Liam,” when they met. 

If Liam thought it was awkward making conversation with Theo before, it’s nothing like it is right now with Dani’s dad sat between them and shooting haughty looks at Liam every chance he gets.

He calls out to the girls when he sees there heads pop up or when they run past. They wave and smile and call out for him to watch them but it’s seconds and then they’re disappearing again, curls bouncing at their backs as they go. 

Liam’s in line to buy his third cup of coffee when he hears it. 

He’d know that blood curdling scream anywhere. Knows when it’s for real, when it’s not just Jules making noise to get her sister in trouble and when she’s genuinely hurt herself.

He’s running before he can even think about it, racing through the foam bars and round the tubes to where he can still hear her screaming. She’s so bloody loud and his heart is racing as he turns the corner, having to slide on his stomach to get under this one low bridge. Lilly’s sat beside her, face white as she pats at Jules’ head, shushing her quietly as Jules screams, face red and tears staining her cheeks. She’s sitting on the ground, clutching her wrist and it’s already swollen, Liam can see. 

“I didn’t mean it, daddy!” Lilly sobs, clutching at his side as he kneels down beside them, fingers brushing Jules’ hair from where it sticks to the side of her face.

“It’s okay, baby. Daddy’s here. It’s okay,” Liam shushes her as best he can as Lilly rubs her face into his side, sobbing just as loud as her sister.

“My hand hurts. It really hurts,” Jules whimpers as Liam cradles her arm in his hand. 

“Let me have a look,” he says softly, as Jules blinks more heavy tears rolling down her cheeks, Lilly still quietly sniffling at his side. She winces as he moves a bit, settling onto his knees to take a look. It’s definitely starting to swell at her wrist and fuck. It could be broken. It could be sprained. They’re definitely headed for A&E.

“What happened, darling?”

“It’s not my fault!” 

“You pushed me, though!”

“But I didn’t mean to I was trying to get past!”

Liam shushes them both with a few soft sounds. “It doesn’t matter who’s fault. So you fell, yeah? From up there?” He points to the little walkway above them. It’s not all that high, but it wouldn’t matter depending on how she’s fallen. They nod and Jules says she was too scared to cross and Lilly pushed her - “but I was being brave! I was showing you it was easy!” Her arm hurts, she says again and her wrist is near double the size of the other now. It’s definitely broken.

Jesus. They’ve never hurt themselves like this, any of his kids. He feels sick and sad and horrible that this happened while he was watching. 

Oh, christ. Danielle’s going to have a field day.

“C’mon then, we better take you to the doctors to have a proper look,” Liam says, lifting Jules carefully up on his hip and adding Lilly to the other side when she clings to his leg once he’s standing. 

They’re holding on tight, Lilly’s face tucked into his neck and Jules whimpering on his shoulder as he makes his way back out to the parents area. Theo is playing on his iPad, but jumps up when he hears Jules call for him. They’ve always been a bit close, the pair of them, and the look he gives Liam when Jules shows him her wrist makes him feel even worse.

Danielle’s father just shakes his head and picks up the girls’ bags, heading to the door. 

When they get to A&E, Dani’s there at the front waiting for them. The girls start crying again and Jules reaches out for her mum the moment they get close enough. He passes Jules over to Dani, who near snatches her from his arms. 

“How could you have let this happen!” she snaps as Lilly runs up, attaching herself to her mother’s legs. 

“I didn’t mean-“ he starts, but she’s cutting him off again.

“I knew it was a bad idea. This is all your fault!” Her eyes flash with something like anger and fear as she turns heading inside, Theo following close behind. Her father bends over to pick Lilly up, she curls into his chest, her sobs starting up once more. 

He’s torn between wanting to stay because this is his baby girl and she’s _hurt_ but. . . Liam feels how unwanted he is. How useless he is at even being some sort of help and comfort right now. The girls didn’t want him. Theo didn’t even spare him a backwards glance. He watches as they disappear inside the automatic doors and swallows at the lump that’s built in his throat.

Jules wasn’t calling out _his_ name, and Lilly only wanted her mother. 

Useless. Useless is what he is. Maybe what he’s always been.

It’s all his fault. If he hadn’t of wanted to see them so much, no matter what, they would have been at home. They would have been _safe_. 

Liam shifts the car out of the emergency lane, having to bloody park near three times away from the front door. He paces out front when he gets back, not sure whether he should just leave or not, it starts to drizzle which is. . . fucking perfect really. At least if he does let the tears that are building behind his eyes fall, it’ll just look like the rain. 

He ends up close to a little shelter where a few people are standing, the smell of tobacco filtering through the air. His fingers twitch for a cigarette between them, something to stave off the sick feeling in his gut, the hurt in his heart. The rain starts coming down properly, so he ducks under cover quick, bumps into this fellow as he does so.

And of course. Of _course_ this is how his day continues.

He's apologising and smiling soft but that fades as soon as he looks into blue, blue eyes that haunt his dreams of late. “Louis?” 

“You're still stood on my toes,” is what he says in answer, right brow raised under his damp fringe, sticking to his forehead. 

Liam’s cheeks heat as he looks down, apologising again as he shuffles to the side and squeezes himself against the shelter’s plexiglass wall. Christ. Of all the people to run into at a bloody hospital it would have to be his ex. . . well, whatever he and Louis were. They don’t say anything for a bit, the rain coming down hard prevents it really. The longer it goes on and their silence continues the more awkward it feels until Louis is bumping at his elbow with an outstretched hand, his pack of cigarettes shaking in front of Liam like a peace offering. 

Liam takes one with a quiet thanks, and leans in when Louis sparks his lighter, Liam curling his hand around the flame as he breathes in, holding the bitter smoke deep in his lungs. They still don’t speak as the rain lets up, a consistent rhythm on the tin roof now that settles something between them. It feels odd. Feels strange to be standing here, sharing a bloody smoke with someone whose heart he broke. Someone who he thought he’d not have to speak to again or thought would never want to speak to him.

“Who’re you here for?” he finds himself asking as they both watch an ambulance with its lights flashing speed past, sending a water spray at their feet.

“Mum’s upstairs having the new babies, I’m just waiting on my sister,” Louis answers after blowing out a steady stream of smoke. Liam nods, remembers Louis telling him about his mum and her luck with having twins. That this time he’s going to have a little brother and how Louis’ eyes lit up at just the thought of that. Liam’s trying not to stare at Louis, figures it might not be as awkward if he keeps his eyes forward but he can _feel_ Louis beside him like a naked flame. “You?”

“My daughter. We were at one of those indoor game places and she fell, or her sister pushed her, I’m not sure.” Liam shakes his head, that lump in his throat back in full force from thinking about the sound of Jules’ screams, the look on her and Lilly’s face when he found them. “Think she broke her arm,” he says softly, sounding as choked up as he feels.

"Why are you out here then?” Louis asks, incredulous. “Shouldn’t you be in there with her?”

Even Louis thinks he's a bad dad. It makes him feel as cold on the inside as he is now on the out. He tugs his jacket tighter around himself, shrugging. “She didn’t want me, only her mum,”

Louis makes this scoffing sound, tapping the ash from the end of his cigarette onto the ground with a flick of his finger, arms crossed as he stares at Liam. “Tell you that did she?”

“I wouldn’t want me there. It’s my fault. If I had of been watching more closely, shouldn’t have left them alone-“

Louis stops Liam's little self loathing tirade with a hand on Liam’s forearm. “Hey, Liam, hey,” his voice is softer this time. “She was playing, yeah? Accidents happen all the time, it’s not your fault.”

His eyes close, trying to block out how caring Louis sounds, how good he still seems to think Liam is. “It is though. If I hadn’t of made a big deal out of wanting to take them out. Took them to the movies like my son wanted instead of listening to the two of them-“

“It could have happened anywhere, Liam,” Louis says, and Liam can hear the roll of his eyes. Like Liam’s feelings are misplaced. That he shouldn’t be acting like this when his little girl’s probably scared and crying and it’s all his fault. “Kids fall over and hurt themselves all the time, things like this happen when you’re little,”

“But it’s not meant to happen when they’re with me! I’m supposed to protect them from all of that.” He looks down at his trainers, scuffed old things that he probably should have thrown out years ago but hadn’t because Theo had drawn his name in permanent marker on them when he was three. 

“You can’t blame yourself for an accident, Liam,” Louis says, a squeeze to where he’s still got his hand curled around Liam’s arm, making Liam look up. Louis' lips are pink and his gaze is strong, but there’s a softness to it. Something a bit like reassurance and care that shouldn’t be there after all that Liam’s done. 

“It might have happened to anyone with them. I’ve had two kids fall off the monkey bars in the playground in one week and come away with a scrape, and one that tripped over his own shoelaces and fractured his elbow. Accidents _happen_ ,” 

Liam nods, because he knows this. He does. It still doesn’t take away the guilt eating at his heart though. “Why are you making me feel better, you should hate me?” Liam asks, not even thinking before blurting out the words. 

Louis’ quiet, takes another deep drag of his cigarette before letting it out slow, tilting his head up. “You look like you could do with a friend and we never really were that so,” he shrugs with a half smile tugging at one cheek. “I just thought I could do that for you. Now.”

Liam blinks. He doesn’t know what to say, because thank you seems too much and not enough and he’s missed Louis _so much_. He looks still so stunningly beautiful standing there in his loose joggers, turned up at the ankle and his favourite scuffed black toms. He's got on that awful aqua and grey football jacket that Liam can still see the stain of curry that he'd spilled on the cuff one night that they'd had dinner out before it all ended. Just seeing him makes Liam want to take it all back, tell him the truth about everything and fuck it all, but then Louis’ stamping out the last of his cigarette, patting at Liam’s arm.

“Lou?” This girl’s looking between them, slightly confused. She’s a bit taller than Louis, her long blonde hair frizzed up with all the rain but her eyes are a familiar shade of blue that all her eyeliner makes pop. “Mum’s sent me three messages asking where you are. Let’s go, yeah?” 

Louis nods, doesn’t look back at Liam as he walks off with this girl – definitely one of his sisters - Louis wrapping his arm around her shoulder. Liam watches as they disappear inside the building, only lifting his gaze when his fingers sting from the cherry of his cigarette burning right down to the tip. 

 

: : :

 

He doesn’t expect to hear from Louis again. Doesn’t think he deserves to. Yet a day later, when he’s again staring at his phone during lunch he drops the thing when a text comes in. 

_How’d your girl go?_

Liam stares at it for a full five minutes before he even considers answering. It’s just. . . he knows Louis says he could be a friend but Liam thought it was for that moment. Not later. Not now.

_badly twisted but she’s ok._

Liam sends it quick before he can talk himself out of it. He’s about to set his phone down and grab his water, but the little bubbles are coming up signalling Louis’ writing back. It has his stomach twisting a bit. A smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

_and you?_

Liam _does_ grin then. Leans back on the swivel chair he’s sat on in the back office where they eat lunch until his head rests against the wall. 

_good. Havin lunch on my own. Been quiet all day._  
_how’re u?_

He bites at his lip as it takes a minute before the bubbles show up again. Snorts at Louis’ answer.

_not on your own! Ur talkin to me!_

_I’m ok. Kids r a bit mental this mornin. they r 5 and its raining so. 2 b expected._

Before Liam realises it an hour has passed and he’s done nothing but text Louis. He only looks up from his phone when he hears Ant slam a car door and call Liam’s name. He feels a bit guilty, spending all this time just sat on his phone when there’s probably loads he could have done in the shop so he texts a quick _gtg ant is back_ and throws his phone in the drawer with his wallet. 

He tries not to think about Louis as the day drags on but there’s only one customer and Ant is busy with paperwork so he doesn’t have much to take his mind _off_ Louis. 

He does check his phone as soon as they shut up shop, sees a reply and a few others before Louis must have had to head back in with his class. Liam tries to ignore how bubbly he feels from just a few messages. How just hearing from Louis again even in writing makes something warm curl in the pit of his gut, creeping up into his chest right where his heart is. 

They talk a little after that. Not everyday, but a few times a week and it’s nice. It’s lovely. Never anything too deep but it’s good to hear from Louis’ all the same. It does make him wish he had of told the truth. That maybe, he and Louis could have still had something while he tried to keep his children. Louis would have been in his corner, if anything, Liam knows that. 

Then he gets a phone call from Bressie saying that Dani’s added something about neglect to the custody claim, that she wants the kids outright and no visits with Liam at all. Bressie says it’s naught to worry about. That she hasn’t really got a leg to stand on. But Liam can’t help _but_ worry. He needs this to go perfectly. He _needs_ to have his children in his life.

He blocks Louis’ number from his phone. 

 

: : :

 

“Mr Payne? This is Mrs Randall calling from Wolverhampton Grammar School in regards to your son Theodore, do you have a moment?” 

Liam pushes himself out from under the Honda he was working on and sits up. “Yes. Certainly. Just give us a tic.” He gets up, heading to the office where it’s a bit quieter. Danny’s had Naughty Boy’s newest album on and Liam’s fairly certain someone called Mrs Randall, who spoke as if she had a plum in her mouth, wouldn’t approve of the background music. 

He shuts the door when he gets inside, effectively cutting off most of the sound. “How can I be of help?” 

“I don’t mean to alarm you, Mr Payne, but it seems as if your son has wandered off from the group on his school trip to Molineux Stadium. One of his classmates has admitted that he had a bag packed, that there was somewhere close by that he was headed toward. We’ve started to check the surrounding areas and have tried to get onto your wife but-“

“I’ll go. I’ll be right there. Thank you for calling, thanks,” Liam answers. His heart’s beating double in his chest as he ends the call quick, grabbing at his keys and calling out to Danny that he has to go, that it’s an emergency. 

Danny nods and Liam gets in his car, headed into the city circle at speeds that are _just_ under the limits. He hasn’t a clue really where to start, there’s plenty of public transport around the stadium and Theo’s got the gift of the gab when he needs it. He could literally be anywhere, but it’s as Liam drives past the stadium, eyes on near everything but the road, that he realises how close he is to the park. 

His park.

With the school already having sent people out in the local area, it can’t hurt just to have a quick look. Liam heads to the park, and manages to get a spot, right out front which is lucky given the time of day and how busy it gets on this road. It's probably a long shot, but as he walks down the path down to the pond he sees him. Relief floods Liam's body as he gets closer, Theo sat on a bench overlooking the pond. It’s quiet. There’s just the ducks on the other side of the pond swimming around aimlessly and a few toddlers with their mums over on the swings at to the left. Theo’s still got his backpack on, another bag at his feet and Liam wonders just what it was Theo was going to do. Where exactly was it he was going to go? He doesn’t know where Liam lives now. That’s even if running to Liam was an option. The last look from Theo he was on the receiving end of wasn’t pleasant in the slightest.

Liam decides a quiet approach is most warranted. He doesn’t want to spook Theo and set him off running. He sits down beside him slow, but enough for Theo to realise someone’s there. He sneaks a quick look to his left with a double take and sets off to run. He’s only stopped by Liam grabbing at the handle of his backpack and dragging him back down with a sharp, “Don’t!”

Theo settles quickly, body still tense and back straight. 

“Theo,” Liam starts, stopping quick as Theo flinches from Liam saying his name alone. Christ, does this mean Teddy is afraid of him? Or is it purely because he got caught? “Theo,” he starts again, softer fingers still a tight grip on Theo’s bag, just in case.

“What are you doing here, son?” 

Theo shrugs, turns his face so he’s not looking at Liam at all.

“Wanted to come to the park and feed the ducks did you? I used to-“

“I didn’t come to feed the ducks. I’m not _weird_ like you,” Theo snips, arms crossed over his chest.

Liam sighs inwardly, feels his brow furrow. “Is that why, is someone calling you names at school? You know they have an anti-“

“No one’s calling me names, _Liam_ ,”

Even after all this time it still hurts hearing his only son call him by anything other than Dad. The thought of one day, his little boy calling him Dad was one of the only things that got him through the rough parts when he and Dani were sorting out how they could work together. Two scared kids with a kid of their own on the way. 

“How about we just sit then. We’ll sit and when you’re ready you can tell me why you ran off. You’ve got half the bloody school out looking for you, you know?” 

Teddy doesn’t say anything – not that Liam expected him to – but they sit quietly anyway. 

Liam eventually relaxes his grip on Teddy’s bag, letting his arm rest against the back of the bench, fingertips close enough to feel the starched material of Teddy’s blazer. He hopes it’s enough to let Teddy know he’s there. That he isn’t leaving him, and isn’t letting Teddy leave either.

Liam’s becomes so relaxed in these familiar surrounds that he’s near about to nod off. There’s a gentle breeze and clouds skipping across the sky, reflected in the ponds water. He’s a little shocked when Teddy finally speaks.

“Why’d you come for me?” Teddy asks soft, hands clasped in his lap where Liam can see him picking at a hangnail.

“Your school called. They couldn’t get hold of your mum and you were gone so, I came.”

“Oh,” Teddy answers, steadfastly looking down at his hands. “So you came because mum couldn’t,”

Liam is a little confused, sits up a bit. “No, I came because I would have anyway. Anything could have happened to you, Theo. I couldn’t. . . I couldn’t just wait to find out. You’re my _son_.”

Theo snorts. “Didn’t come and check on Jules did you,”

Liam shakes his head. “That was different. That was. . . your mum was upset and it’s difficult between us at the moment. I would have been there. You know-“

Teddy twists in his seat and his eyes are fiery, matching the pink in his cheeks. “You could have! You could have just come in! You could have, you could have stayed!”

Liam’s heart sinks, he clasps his hand on Teddy’s shoulder. “Teddy-“ 

“You didn’t _stay!_ ” Theo shouts, jumping off the chair, hands in fists by his side as he yells at Liam, curls flying. “You just left us! You left us and you didn’t even try-“

“I called your mum later, I talked to Jules, she was-“

“She wasn’t okay! None of us are okay!” Theo is shaking, tears spilling over his cheeks and Liam knows this isn’t just about that day at the hospital. It twists at his stomach, makes his chest ache anew.

“Jules and Lilly won’t sleep in their own beds, they keep crawling into mine and mum cries sometimes and I. I shouldn’t have to look after them! That’s your job, but you just _left_!”

Liam reaches out, Theo’s name on his lips but Theo’s stepping back, scraping a hand over his wet cheeks. “You never fought for us, dad. You didn’t fight for the girls or for mum. You didn’t fight for any of us,” he stutters and Liam’s crying himself now. How did he not even consider this? How’d he not even think about how him leaving would make Theo feel?

“You didn’t fight for me. You didn’t want me, dad, you just _left!_ You left!” 

Liam falls onto his knees, pulling Teddy into his arms, who for once doesn’t struggle out of his touch. “Oh god, no, no baby, no,” Liam murmurs, rubbing a hand over Theo’s back as his son bats at Liam’s chest, sobbing properly now. Liam’s the worst father in the world, not even considering how Theo’s felt properly during all of this. Just dismissing the outward anger as something that continued from before that conversation on the sofa changed everything with him and Dani. With Liam and his kids.

He presses his lips to Theo’s hair, his riot of curls a bit damp and not styled like they have been in the past. “I’ve always wanted you. Christ, Teddy, you have to know how important you and your sisters are to me. How much I love all of you. How much I love you,”

“You left!” he hears Teddy repeat, muffled against Liam’s coat. He tugs Teddy in closer, wants to make sure Teddy knows that he’d never really let him go. Not in any sense of the word. 

“But I came back. I’ll always come back. I’ll always want you and want to be there, you have to know how much I love you, Theo. You’re the very best thing to ever happen in my life. You’re my son,” Liam says and then he can’t say anything else, too choked up. He kisses Theo’s head instead. Theo’s hands wind around Liam as best they can and they hold onto each other. 

It’s a while before Teddy’s cries soften to sniffles. A while before Liam is able to blink without wetness slipping down his own cheeks. 

“I love you, too, Dad. I miss you so much,” Teddy says soft, but fierce, pulling away a little from Liam’s chest. His eyes are red and there’s snot on his lip which Liam knows is probably all over the front of his jacket. He doesn’t care.

He grips Teddy’s arms tight, looks him straight in the eye in hopes somehow, this might make Teddy finally listen. Finally hear what Liam had thought he’d been telling him all along. “And I love you. I’ve loved you since I heard your heartbeat on a monitor. I’ve loved you from the moment I knew you existed, probably before that,”

“Dad,” Theo whines, with a roll of his eyes, but there’s a twitch at the corner of his lips, a smile waiting to happen. 

Liam ruffles his hair, standing up on creaky knees that he over exaggerates much to Teddy’s chuckles. “C’mon then, best we take you to face the music,” 

Theo takes hold of Liam, his grip tight. “Not yet. Can we. . . I haven’t seen you in ages and it’s always with my sisters.” Theo looks up at Liam with wide eyes and he knows he shouldn’t agree to this. Should be on his way back to the school where - no doubt – Dani is already waiting, frantic. 

“Please?” Teddy whines, tugging at Liam’s hand again.

He can text her. 

“Probably should make sure your blood sugar’s alright, Teddy,”

Teddy looks serious for a moment, taps at his lip with one finger. “Ice cream should do that,”

Liam grins.

“But it’s Theo, Dad. You know I hate being called Teddy.”

 

: : :

 

A week later, and he’s at Harry’s lying on the floor listening to some new record that Harry found on a junking trip he took with Nick the previous weekend. It’s not really Liam’s taste, but the beer is, and Zayn’s due to join them in an hour for a bit of a boys night. They’re on their second or third drink each, enough to be buzzed but not much more while they’re waiting on pizza to arrive. Or Zayn, whichever comes first. 

It’s nice. Liam hasn’t really had a chance to do nothing with for a while, not since he lived downstairs with Zayn. Before his whole life turned upside down once more. 

He and Harry talked for a bit when Liam got in. Liam told Harry about a bird trying to get in his pants to bring the price of the work he’d done on her engine down. 

Harry’d laughed, telling him about how he’d been kicked off the London Eye over the weekend because Niall’d thought it would be romantic to suck him off in a private capsule. Harry’d always wanted to go and Niall had thought his issues with claustrophobia would lessen with them being on their own. It hadn’t, and to take his mind off things, Niall thought pleasuring Harry would help. Little did he know – or fail to remember, being in the moment and all – that there were cameras watching all their moves. They’d had to halt the bloody thing half way around as a tinny voice came over the speaker asked them to cease and desist before a couple of amused plods met them at the bottom, escorting them from the premises. Harry’d thought it was hilarious but Niall’d gone red and hadn’t talked to Harry for an hour afterward.

“Sounds like you and Niall are sorting things out then?” Liam asks, knowing how much Niall’s wanted things to be different between them, and by the sounds of things it’s finally coming together.

Harry shrugs, his head dipping down low so his curls fall over his eyes. Liam can still see his dimples as he smiles slow though. “Getting there, yeah? Like. . . we’ve talked about it a bit. Might make a proper go of it when he gets back from recording in Spain,” 

Liam clinks his bottle with Harry’s and takes a sip. He near spits it out though with Harry’s next question.

“What about you and Louis?”

“There is no me and Louis,” Liam says, straightening up against the sofa where he and Harry slid down to sit a while ago. He always forgets that Harry and Louis are mates. That they’ve known each other for years and even had a thing when Harry first moved into the area. 

Harry bumps his shoulder into Liam’s. “Only because you’re pushing him away, yeah?”

The bubble of ease and and normality that had settled in Liam’s chest is popped with this new turn in conversation. Liam shakes his head, taking a longer pull of his beer before answering. “It’s complicated, Harry. There’s more to it than just being knobs who aren’t in the same place at the same time,”

Harry huffs, turning around on the floor so he’s cross legged at Liam’s side. “Only because you’re making it complicated. I know Louis. He’s great with kids, he’s great with _you_. You are allowed to be happy, Liam,”

“I know I am, but it’s not just about me, Harry! I need my kids. I need to be able to see them and I need to have them in my life and Louis’ doesn’t make that easier.”

Harry scoffs, putting his drink on the table beside him. “How’s Louis going to affect that? Bressie told Niall that who you date has _nothing_ to do with it. That you’ve got a strong case and that you’d have to have done way worse that date a bloke-“

“He’s not just a bloke though,” Liam interrupts. “He was their teacher. He had Lilly and Jules in Reception and Dani knows I was with him then, and I don’t want to make any trouble for Louis. She could go to the school, Harry. She could threaten his career if she wanted. It’s easier if she just threatens me. It’s better for everyone,”

Harry runs his hand through his hair, tucking it back behind his ear, scrunching his eyes in frustration. “But it’s not though. You think in the long run when you get your kids back that you’re what, just going to live your life forever on your own? You’ll end up as unhappy as you were when you _were_ married!”

Liam looks down at his hands, picks at the label on the bottle. “I’ll be fine. The kids will be fine. They’re all that matters.”

Harry’s quiet and it’s almost awkward the silence that builds around them. Liam picks off the entire label from his beer before Harry speaks again. He’s soft this time, and when Liam looks up, it’s Harry who has his head down. 

“Did I ever tell you that my parents separated when I was your boy’s age?” 

Liam shakes his head. They’ve talked about a lot in the conversations they’ve had in the past year, but nothing deep. Nothing about their lives beyond holidays or parties or people they know. 

“It was hard, yeah? Basically, it was me, my sister and my mum back home. Dad moved out here and we saw him on holidays and things. He tried, but he was setting up restaurants and pubs here and in London but he was happy. They both were. But living with mum, it was easier to see when she wasn’t. Then Robin came along,” he pauses, looks up at Liam and there’s a wetness to his eyes that Liam could hear in his voice before. 

“I tried not to like Robin. I wanted to think that she didn’t need anyone else. That my dad might come back or that I’d be enough. All the things that kids think about their parents. But then he moved in and my mum _smiled_ again. Like proper smiled, yeah? There was so much laughter in our house and mum was happy, all the time. All the time.” He wipes at his eyes and Liam finds he has to do the same to his own. 

There’s a heaviness in his chest now, hearing Harry’s story. Putting his own children into Harry’s place, thinking back to that first conversation with the children and how Jules and Lilly knew he wasn’t happy. His own children picked up on it before Liam ever wanted to proper admit it to himself. Would they still pick up on how he wasn’t quite there yet when and if he got them back again on a more permanent basis? How would lying to himself affect them in the long run? His mind raced with all these questions, answers leading him time and time again back to Louis and how he felt when they were together. How much it hurt now, being so far apart. 

“I’m not saying it has to be Louis, I’m not saying it has to be today or tomorrow or a year from now. I just think that you would be a fool to deny yourself happiness. Your kids would want you to be happy, Liam. They’d want that for both of you.” Harry takes in this deep shaky breath at the end, smiles at Liam all lopsided before he reaches over and wraps Liam in an embrace that they both obviously need. 

Liam closes his eyes and hugs Harry back just as hard. 

He hears the front door open and close and Zayn’s heavy booted feet walking toward them. “Is this cuddle pile restricted to just you two or?”

Harry snorts and Liam lifts a hand, waving him over. “Get in here, you git.”

Zayn smells of smoke and that familiar winter crisp the air gets in November as he knocks Harry and Liam onto the floor. There’s more laughter and a few curses, Liam’s a bit winded from where Zayn’s elbow catches in that soft spot below his ribs but he’s smiling anyway. It lightens the heaviness in his bones. Makes him feel thankful for having friends like this in his life. 

Doesn’t stop him from wondering if maybe Louis could have a place in there, somewhere. If it would be worth it, just to try.

 

: : :

 

It takes Liam a week, but he takes Louis’ number off blocked. 

He doesn’t text or call though, but he thinks that maybe he could.


	6. Chapter 6

**Part Six**

 

The girls are on the merry-go-round while Liam and Theo watch. The market is busy with people and sound as everyone prepares for the official Christmas Lights to be turned on in town. Bressie had talked Dani’s team around for a pre Christmas visit, which – luckily enough – was a week out from the girls birthday. There really was no reason that Liam couldn’t have the kids on his own. The accident at the fun centre was purely that, an accident, and Jules wrist wasn’t giving her trouble anymore. She’d been able to take the splint off after a few days and hadn’t complained about it much since. 

It worked well taking the kids out tonight. It had been something they’d done as a family ever since Theo was born, and even if Dani wasn’t there, the kids didn’t seem to mind all that much. 

They start off with dinner at Liam’s where he makes the girls favourite, Toad in the Hole. Theo had commented on how good Liam’s gravy was – even if it was a bit lumpy. Then they’d bundled up, headed for the Market Square early to have a look around before the Christmas lights were officially turned on. Theo’s been more talkative when Liam’s called to speak to them of late. More willing to discuss his day or things that are going on at school. Liam’s still blown away by the fact that Theo gets on the phone at all. 

He still gets annoyed when Liam calls him Teddy, but Liam’s managed to just about curb that nickname since the day at the park. Theo’d kept their secret stop off at McDonald’s for McFlurries after his little running away effort. They’d really reconnected that day and with perseverance and Liam paying more attention to Theo’s feelings, it finally felt like they were mending things between them. 

The girls have just gone past on the merry go round, Liam and a reluctant Theo waving them on when Theo gets Liam’s attention. 

“You know how I told you about that project I’m working on with Jenny?” Theo asks, looking straight ahead with his hands deep in his jacket pockets.

Liam nods, humming in answer. Theo’d haltingly talked about a girl in class he’d been paired with but hadn’t had the chance to say much else, his sisters nattering away in the background, chuffed to be spending time with their father. 

“Well. I was just. She. . . how do you know if a girl likes you?” Theo stumbles over his words leaving Liam feeling as awkward as he imagines Theo does asking. 

“Is this about your Jenny?”

Teddy’s ears go rather red from where they poke out from the navy beanie he’s wearing. “No!” he squawks loudly, enough for the woman with the pram next to him to turn and give him a scolding look. He steps closer to Liam. “No, well. . . maybe. I’m not sure?”

“Well,” Liam starts off, clearing his throat. “I. . . it’s been a long time since I was your age, Theo, but I think it’s the same for everyone.”

Theo looks up at him with wide eyes, his cheeks flushed with colour that’s probably not a lot to do with the chill in the air, but more to do with the subject matter. 

“From what I remember, they smile at you a lot. They might play with their hair or bite their lip a bit when you talk to them," Liam finds himself smiling soft. His and Dani's romance was all so innocent in the beginning. It'd taken him ages to ask her out and after she'd told him about all the subtle ways she’d been hinting that she liked him a lot.

“Is that what happened with you and mum?” Theo asks, kicking at an errant bit of plastic cup on the ground, focused on that instead of Liam.

Liam nods, lost in those months before he was sixteen. When he liked a girl with long curly hair who danced more than she ever walked about school. Who would smile at him and say his name in a way that would make his cheeks heat every time. He had thought himself so in love with her once. "Your mum was always laughing at my jokes, even when they weren't that funny,"

"Still aren't," Theo murmurs with a snort, Liam shoves him a bit with his hip. 

"Well, you're mother thought so. Sometimes she'd put her hand on my arm. . . I could feel it down to the tips of my toes,” Liam chuckles a bit remembering how innocent they were. How a simple touch of hers would have his skin tingling for hours after. 

"Mind you, we were a bit older than you. When I was your age I was more into reading comics with your Uncle Zayn than worrying about girls.”

Theo rolls his eyes and Liam wraps his arm around Theo's shoulders, pulling him into his side and ducking down to speak. “Oi, there’s nothing wrong with comics. There’s a few in my collection that have paid for your schooling let alone what I’ve put aside for Uni when you get there. Don’t think Oxford or Cambridge is all that cheap, son,”

“Yes, Dad,” Theo sighs. “But, like. How do you know if they like you more-“

It’s just then that a young girl with bright red hair and a button nose taps Theo on the shoulder.

“Hiya Theo,” she says with a grin, two girls standing behind her – because even Liam knows girls travel in packs at that age. 

“Hi, hi, um, Jenny,” Theo stutters, blush further staining his cheeks.

So it isn’t just the thought of this particular girl liking him, Theo has a crush. It makes Liam feel an odd mix of pride and awkwardness at the same time. He turns his head, watching the bobbing of the horses ahead of him, listening in instead. He waves at the twins as they round into sight, missing whatever preteen conversation that comes next. 

“Is that alright, Dad?” Theo says, tugging on Liam’s arm. 

“Sorry?” Liam answers, grinning soft at Jenny and Theo in turn. “Missed that with your sisters noise and all,”

Theo looks like he might just die if he has to ask again, luckily Jenny steps in for him. 

“We were wondering if Theo could come have a go on the dodgems with us, Mr Payne? We won’t be gone too long and my mum’s staying with us so we’re not unsupervised or anything. Theo’s met my mum, we had him over for tea on Monday to work on our english project together.”

Theo’s eyes widen and Liam has to bite his lip not to chuckle. That is definitely _one_ little piece of information Theo’d left out earlier. Already invited around for dinner? Maybe girls work a lot faster nowadays than they had ten years ago.

“Of course he can. You’ve got your phone on you haven’t you, Theo?” Theo nods and Liam gives Theo a gentle push in Jenny’s direction. “Just make sure you’re back here before the lights turn on, you know your sisters will want to get a good spot,”

Theo nods and before he can say anything else, Jenny’s got him by the hand dragging him forward and into the crowd. It makes Liam smile, makes his heart fill up and squeeze tight at the same time. His little boy is growing up so fast and it’s awful and wonderful all at the same time. 

It makes him think of Louis a bit. How Louis was the one to lead when it came to what they were together. Tugging Liam into a happiness that as fleeting as it was, Liam relished in the time that they’d had. Wished it had been more.

Then again, he wished for a lot of things. Not all of them could come true.

He shakes himself off, putting a grin on his face as he notices the ride has stopped. He can hear his girls giggling as they come rushing out the gate, looking adorable in their matching grey coats with that fake fur trim around the hoods. They’d had Liam put their hair into pigtails when they arrived claiming that their mum couldn’t do it even like he could. Lilly with mint green bows in her hair and Jules with lavender. They’ve grown up so much this year, not only in height, with Jules towering over Lilly now, but in other ways, too. It’s how Lilly holds herself and doesn’t just agree to mischief that Jules may try to sway her to. It’s how they still want to hold his hand but refused his help doing up their shoelaces before they left the house. 

This year was supposed to be him getting to see them more. Getting to be a bigger part of their lives and what . . . a few weekends here and there, a couple of outings on their holidays? Nothing like he wanted though. Nothing like he had hoped would happen when he and Dani decided to call it quits. He still can’t help but feel like it was all his fault. If he hadn’t of moped about all that time in the beginning. If he hadn’t of let loose and got involved with Louis. If he had of paid attention instead of thinking about himself, he could have had them more. Could have skipped all this bullshit with the divorce and the legal worries that keep him up at night, no matter how reassuring Bressie is about it all.

“Did you see us Daddy! Did you!” they call, attaching themselves to his legs. He leans down to hug them both, only to go near deaf as they squeal loud in tandem. They’re wriggling out of his hold quick, rushing past him making Liam wonder if Theo’s come back early. Not that he really expects them to be that excited about their brother. He frowns thinking that it can only be Dani, which would be frightfully unfair. 

He’s lost for words though, when he stands up and turns, seeing it’s Louis crouched down to the girls height. It’s as if everything around them has slowed and stilled and it’s _Louis_ with _Liam’s girls_. It was something he was looking forward to having happen. Something he had began to make tentative plans for; the where, the when, the how. What things he’d say. . . and now? He feels sick. That extra scoop of mash he’d had isn’t sitting right in his stomach at all. 

Louis’ going to know. 

Louis’ nodding away with a smile from ear to ear as the girls clamour for his attention. He finally catches Liam’s eye as Jules and Lilly argue about who misses him more, and his face falls for a moment. It’s nothing, barely there then gone with this unsure smile settling across his face after. It does nothing to stop Liam’s heart from speeding up. It’s stupid. It’s ridiculous that Louis can still affect him like this. Even in the face of whatever is going to happen in the mere seconds between Liam joining them and the girls pausing for a breath, all of those old feelings he associated with Louis rush back in. It’s like a warmth that spreads from the top of his head to his toes. Although his feet feel as heavy as ever as he treads closer, hoping his face isn’t showing anything of what’s going on inside. 

It’s difficult, though. The thing is, he’s sort of forgotten how gorgeous Louis is. Cheeks dusted with scruff, and his hair mostly covered by the grey beanie Liam knows Louis’ sister Lottie bought for his last birthday. His eyes are what gets Liam, though. They’re so blue, so bright that even the light bags Liam can see under them do nothing to soften how sharp they’re looking back at Liam now.

Liam has to swallow hard at the lump in his throat, force his cheeks to work into a smile.

“Girls,” Liam calls as he steps closer. Tries not to be a little jealous of how close his own daughters are to Louis. To his warmth, a warmth Liam’s missed more than he thought possible since the night he broke Louis’ heart. 

“Daddy! Daddy this is Mr Tommo!” Jules shouts tugging at Louis’ hand once he straightens. 

Lilly has a tight grip on the other, her eyes wide as she continues staring up at Louis like he’s the most interesting thing she’s ever seen. Liam’s not so sure she’s ever looked at him with _that_ much unbridled appreciation. 

“He used to be our teacher, Daddy!” Lilly adds, being dragged along as Louis steps closer to where Liam is under what Liam assumes is the sheer pull of his daughter’s excitement.

“Did he now,” Liam says, clearing his throat and focusing on Jules face and not Louis’. He can feel Louis staring at him though. Always could.

Louis’ going to have so many questions.

“Can Mr. Tommo stay with us, Daddy?” Lilly asks, tugging at Liam’s pants leg. She’s got her eyes particularly wide which he swears she knows is a look he can’t refuse.

It’s different, though. This time. 

It’s like being torn in two, wanting so much to see Louis, to hear his voice and maybe make conversation, then there’s the obvious questions Louis’ going to have. The one’s that will be ever so hard to answer. 

Lilly pouts as Jules looks up at Louis, “You’ll come with us, won’t you?”

Louis stares back at Jules, turning a little so it’s hard for Liam to see his eyes. “I’m not sure how you’re mum would feel about that little love,”

“Mum isn’t here. She’s at home, we’re here with Daddy!” Jules says with a big smile and oh Christ Liam knows where this is going and he can’t stop it. Jules has told at least three people since they arrived. It was why he agreed to them going twice around on the merry-go-round, just so she wouldn’t have the opportunity to spread her “news” any further. Liam’s sure it has something to do with Theo teaching her how to spell divorce. There’s no other six year old he knows that can spell a word like that.

“Our Daddy doesn’t live with us anymore. He and mummy are getting a divorce. I know how to spell it! D, I, O no, um,” her brow furrows just as LIam gets close enough to cover her mouth with his hand.

He can feel how flushed his face is. “Okay, sweetheart. That’s enough of that.”

“You know what?” Louis says, big smile on his face that looks a tiny bit forced. Liam doesn’t blame him. “My parents got divorced when I was little like you, and I didn’t get to see my Dad again, so It’s pretty special that you do, isn’t it.”

Lilly and Jules both nod, Jules pokes her tongue at Liam’s hand and he relents, wiping her spit on his pants leg. 

“So it’s really extra special that you get to spend some time with your dad, like.”

“But you can’t leave, Mr. Tommo!” Lilly begs and Liam is fairly certain he can see tears welling up in her big brown eyes. 

“We want you to stay, we can share our daddy with you! We like to share!” Jules adds, looking up at Liam who can’t keep in the snort. He’d only finished pulling Jules and Lilly apart in the car ride over, arguing over who’s turn it was to pick the next christmas song to listen to. 

“I can so, Daddy! Especially when it’s something we both like, and we both love Mr Tommo, don’t we LIlly!”

Lilly nods enthusiastically and like the sometimes creepy twins they can be, the girls both turn and look up at Liam speaking at the same time. “Please, Daddy, please can we share Mr. Tommo with you!” 

It cuts Liam with the ease that they say this, sharing their Mr Tommo with him. He can hear Harry telling him about how great Louis is with kids and he knows, he’s _known_ that the girls loved their teacher last year. He can remember them talking about their “Mr. Tommo.” Arguing about who was going to marry him. Taking him in flowers pilfered from the neighbours garden or drawing him pictures at home because “Mr. Tommo loves our pictures, Daddy!” He knows all of this and yet it doesn’t make a difference. It can’t. Not with the hearing coming up soon – it’s been pushed until the New Year because of some reason or other, which is a curse more than it is a blessing, Liam just wants this done. 

He wants some semblance of a life back again.

“Mr Tommo probably has places to be, darlings. Didn’t you want to go on the donkeys next?”

Jules eyes widen, her smile filling her face. “Oh yes! Yes we do, don’t we, Lilly!” 

Lilly is practically bouncing at her side. “C’mon, Mr Tommo! You can watch us on the donkeys and then we’ll get hot chocolate. We always get hot chocolate after the donkeys, don’t we, Daddy!”

“Oh well then, why didn’t you say you were getting hot chocolate! I could possibly join you for that,” Louis says, more to the girls than to Liam which makes Liam more nervous than before. He looks at Louis and he shrugs, but there’s this set to his shoulders that makes Liam wonder if he’s just agreeing because of the girls or something else.

Liam can probably guess what the something else is.

The girls are already dragging at their hands and that’s how Liam finds himself walking with Louis to where the donkey rides are setup. It’d be sweet if Liam’s stomach wasn’t tying itself in knots with the thought of just how he’s going to explain everything to Louis. Because he’ll have to, won’t he. 

At least they’re in public. Louis wouldn’t hit him or anything in public would he? Liam’ll just have to make sure they stay in crowded areas.

They mostly let the girls direct the conversation as they walk, Lilly and Jules pointing out more rides, imploring for food at every stand they pass. Louis hasn’t caught his eye again once and Liam knows there’s a reason for it. It’s probably why he’s near resolutely looking at the ground or straight ahead as much as he can himself. He doesn’t like to think about the look of hurt he caused once more behind Louis’ blue eyes. Doesn’t want to think about the set to Louis’ jaw either, that implies that hurt might not be the only emotion that Louis’ feeling strongly right about now.

The line moves at a good pace when Liam gets back to where Louis’d offered to wait with the girls while Liam paid for their turn. They’re still excited, nattering on about their birthday and what they hope they’re getting. What they’ve already received from Dani’s family and about the cake they know their Grandma Payne has made them for the family lunch they’re having up at Liam’s parents tomorrow. Louis’ doesn’t ask anything else about their mum and the girls’ – blessedly – don’t talk about her much either. They’re just so excited about filling in their very favourite teacher about all that’s gone on since they left him last at the end of Spring. Liam’s not sure he can ever remember seeing them so animated with anyone outside the family. Lilly especially. She keeps letting Jules speak for her but leaning in to Louis’ side, hand still grasped firmly in his and eyes so big Liam could swear there were animated hearts coming out of them. 

It makes his own heart ache for what could have been. If only he had of known. . . if he could have talked to Dani maybe, told her who Louis was before it got out of hand. He should have let himself _have_ Louis a lot earlier. He’d have known that Louis was his girls’ teacher, would have known the role he had already played in their lives and wouldn’t have hesitated as much about letting him in a little further. 

It’s his own bloody fault this is all so fucked up and that makes him feel worse even more so.

“C’mon then, in you come, girls,” he says. “Let’s get you sorted on Oliver here, he’s a lovely chap, he’ll take the both of you if you like?” Liam’s knocked out of his little reverie by a portly man with one of those full moustaches that Liam knows his own dad would be slightly jealous of. He has kindly grey eyes though, and a smile for Liam and Louis both as the girls nod their head saying “thank you,” as they walk into the circle. 

“Well mannered girls you’ve got there,” he nods at Liam and Louis both, which Liam only realises when Louis chuckles.

“Oliver’ll take good care of them.” He grins, disappearing into the ring as the girls are being put up onto the donkey by one of the helpers.

They wave to Louis and Liam once they’re seated, Jules holding the saddle tight with Lilly behind, arms wrapped around her sister even tighter. They start walking off and Louis nods to Liam at a space down a bit further for them to stand and watch. Liam moves, knowing Louis is following and only realising how out of earshot they’ll be from the girls or anyone that’s not walking past when he gets there. They can still be seen though. There’s that going for him.

“Liam,” Louis starts, but Liam’s interrupting before Louis can get anything further out. 

“Dani knew you were the girl’s teacher,” Liam blurts. If Liam has to admit to things, set this story straight, he’d rather do it before Louis can start listing the ways he’s an absolute dickhead for breaking his heart.

Liam already knows how much of a knob he is on his own, thanks ever so.

“Dani knew you were the girl’s teacher. “She knew and she basically said she’d make life hard for you at school and I know how much you love your job, Louis. I couldn’t have you making a stupid decision over your bloody career. I’m not worth that. I’m not.” Liam says all of this staring as hard as he can at the ground. He can’t look at Louis. He just can’t.

“We weren’t even together when I taught them, you know this right?” Louis says softly, but there’s this hitch to his breath, this tightness that Liam knows is how Louis sounds when he’s upset. How Louis told him to get out that last time still echoes in Liam’s head late at night. 

Liam looks up at Louis before he answers. He needs to word this right. Make Louis’ understand that yes, he lied, but for a good reason. For Louis. “I know. I figured that out but. . . she’s not thinking right at the moment. She’s angry and she’s hurt and I don’t know why but it all comes back to me. She’s made it so hard to see the kids, and then on top of that Jules hurt her arm and she blames me. I’m trying so hard to keep my kids in my life, Louis. I just. I thought it would be easier,” 

Louis looks at Liam then, his eyes glassy as the line of his mouth trembles. “Easier to lie to me?” Louis says, biting at his lip. “Easier to break my heart?”

Liam nods because his answering “easier breaking my own,” is sitting in his throat. He can’t tell Louis’ that though. Can’t make this even worse than it already is.

The girls come past then and they’re calling out to them, each waving a hand. Their smiles are bright and they look the exact opposite of how Liam feels right now. He smiles back at them all the same, and so does Louis, reminding them both to hold on before Liam can. He grins proper at that and it’s the first time since he laid eyes on Louis tonight that he’s done so. 

He’s missed Louis so much.

“You know you could have just told me. You could have explained things and we could have. . . we could have cooled things off for a bit. I could have talked to the school and let them know. We could have, fuck, Liam, you _lied_ to me. You chose to lie to me. I think this actually hurts worse than me thinking I just wasn’t good enough for you. For them.” Louis shakes his head and wipes at his left eye with the back of his had. It comes away shiny and wet. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Louis,” Liam says, reaching out to put his hand beside Louis’ on the rope that lines the ring the donkeys are in. 

Louis’ doesn’t move his hand. He doesn’t shift it closer to Liam’s by any means either. 

“You shouldn’t have lied. I understand why you did, but. . . I thought we were better than that. At least I thought you were,” Louis says softly after they’ve been stood there in silence, watching the girls go around the ring a few more times. 

The donkeys slow their walk and Louis takes this deep breath, straightening. Liam doesn’t even think about it as he moves, his hand covering Louis’ own. He can’t let it end like this. He should. . . he really should but it’s _Louis_ and he’s here and Liam wants him so much his whole body aches with it, no matter how much he tries to convince himself he can’t. He shouldn’t. He want’s Louis. He does. “Stay for a bit. Just for the hot chocolate. I’m not asking for me, I wouldn’t, it’s just they really love you, you know.”

He doesn’t think he should voice the “I love you,” that’s sitting on his tongue. Not now. Not after all of this.

Louis doesn’t move his hand from under Liam’s but he can feel it tense and relax as Louis nods beside him. “You’re paying, yeah?”

Liam squeezes at Louis’ hand. “Of course.”

“Okay,” Louis answers, his smile soft as he looks up at Liam from underneath parts of his fringe that have escaped from his hat. 

He doesn’t have a chance to add anything else, because the girls are running at them both, talking ninety to the dozen about how “awesome” it was and how “brave” they both were. Liam takes this as a sign that he should move their group along, holding the girls hands again like they did before, swinging their arms between them as they head back into the crowd. 

Maybe it’s the girls excitement or maybe it’s the fact Liam was honest, but whatever it is, Liam’s thankful for it as Louis seems to catch his eye more now. They share a smile as the girls bicker over who gets to hold Mr Tommo’s hand next, until they split apart, with Louis holding both girls hands and Liam a tight grip on Jules alone. The three of them are grinning though, and Liam can’t find it in him to feel bad that his girls chose Louis over their own father. 

This could have been them. This could have been something they did this year if things had of worked out better. This could have been Liam letting Louis into his family, letting him become a fuller part of Liam’s world.

It’s utterly unfair that it’s not.

They find a bench and Liam takes everyone’s orders as he heads toward the hot chocolate stall. Lilly wants only the mini marshmallows if they have them, Jules wants the dark chocolate and Louis is happy with whatever – though Liam knows that means he’ll want it extra sweet because he might like his tea bitter, but chocolate is an indulgence that Louis appreciates the sweeter the better. Liam finds himself chuckling a bit as he waits in line, looking back to see Louis’ head swinging back and forth between the girls as they talk animatedly, arms and hands waving about in front of them. It looks like Jules is trying to explain her favourite part of The Avengers. Again. Liam’s been shown enough times now he knows each wrist flick and elbow jab better than the story itself. 

“Your husband is so good with your girls,” this little old woman in front of him says with a nod back to where Liam is now staring at Louis fixing the ribbon in Lilly’s hair that seems to have come undone. “Such a lovely family you have, dear,” she says with a wide grin, patting at his arm before turning to place her order. 

It’s not something he thought about, getting married once was enough of an ordeal and he and Louis were barely together when they _were_ together but. Seeing his daughters happy like this? Seeing Louis being a part of that, of how lit up he is in return?

That’s something Liam knows he could have wanted. Could have wished for.

He orders his drinks and takes them back and Louis thanks him with a look that’s much softer than all the rest they’ve shared tonight. It’s not just the extra spices in his drink that make his body warm from head to toe. Liam knows this.

Theo arrives not long after, having texted Liam to find out where they were. It’s funny to watch as he sizes Louis up with a few well chosen questions that Louis answers in ways that Theo must find acceptable. They’re to do with subjects Liam doesn’t really understand, but he does know that Theo’s still judging things with how quiet he’s become. Liam’s explained who Louis is, but he’s fairly certain Theo’s not buying Louis being the girls old teacher is the only reason he’s hanging around. 

Maybe Dani's said something. Maybe Theo's overheard things he shouldn't have to. He'd worry about it, but not tonight. Not when his family is together and Louis is here and everyone is smiling.

They watch the ceremony for the town’s christmas lights to be turned on, wave at Santa as he passes and sufficiently ooh and ah over the firework display. By then the girls are getting tired as it’s near half nine once everything dies down. Louis carries Lilly and Liam Jules as they make their way to Liam’s car, Theo following close behind but mostly enamoured by his phone. Liam’s bloody glad it’s got a cap for texts and Theo mostly uses his whatsapp to chat to friends. Though, given the amount of time Theo’s been chewing on his bottom lip and how his cheeks are still pink from earlier, Liam’s fairly certain it’s one friend in particular he’s talking to.

They get the girls in the car, Theo shaking Louis’ hand in farewell as he jumps into the front seat. Liam rolls his eyes a bit as Louis wriggles his fingers after, mouthing “wow!” as he walks around to Liam’s side of the car. They’ve just put the girls in, leaving them virtually alone apart from the few people out headed home, the smell of the smoke from the fireworks still heavy in the air. 

“This was really nice,” Liam starts, shoving his hands in his pockets as he leans back against the car door, Louis standing in front of him in an echoing stance. 

Louis grins and it’s proper, one that Liam’s seen appear a few times tonight but not aimed at him. Not _for_ him. “Glad I stayed, to be honest. Was only meant to drop Lottie and Fizz off and then, well, then I saw you.”

“Didn’t think about running the other way?” Liam asks, trying to make it sound light hearted and possibly failing by how Louis’ face changes, turns a little more serious.

“For a moment.”

Liam nods. Maybe Louis did just stay to spend time with Liam’s girls. Maybe there is no hope for them even having a friendship outside of this, when it’s all said and done. The thought of that breaks Liam anew. He’d convinced himself a little tonight that maybe they could have that at least in the new year. Maybe Louis could forgive him enough for that.

“Glad I didn’t though,” Louis says and Liam can hear the smile in his voice, see it in the way his eyes crinkle up. 

It's gone in a second though, replaced by something more serious.

“You broke my heart, Liam. You lied, you didn’t give me a chance to make a decision that wouldn’t have hurt either of us in the long run and I’m still so bloody angry with you but." He shakes his head and Liam tries to swallow down the apologies that he wants to say, keep saying until it makes things a little better. “I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t get my stupid heart not to fucking. . . I can’t stop it. I don’t think I want to,”

“I don’t want you to wait for me. I don’t know how it’s all going to work out with Dani and court. I can’t ask that of you. Even if it’s something I want, it’s too much.” God Liam wants to though. He’s had this taste tonight of Louis fitting in with his family, with his children and he liked it. He liked having Louis near him again, making him laugh, hearing his voice, just seeing his bloody smile, of all things. It’s not enough and it has to be. He’s taken too much from Louis. He can’t expect anymore.

Louis stares at him hard and then shrugs. “That’s not your choice, though, is it?” He raises both brows at Liam and walks off, sending a wave over his shoulder and leaving Liam with no idea what to say, and no one to say it to. 

 

: : :

He can’t stop fiddling with his phone the next day at his parents while they make a fuss over the girls. His sisters are there and it’s loud and filled with laughter as they open their presents and everyone sings happy birthday around a ridiculously big chocolate cake that Liam’s mum has been making all of them – children and grandchildren – since they were born. The girls' smiles are wide and Jules comes up to him after, face covered in thick, sticky chocolate icing as she whispers to him that Granny’s cake was even better than Danielle’s mum's. Danielle's mum might have paid for their triple tiered mud cake monstrosity that included a My Little Pony and Spiderman on top – which the girls haven’t liked for at _least_ a year now – but it still wasn’t anything like Granny Payne's. “Granny’s was made with love,” she tells him, and Liam can hear Nicola’s input in that and it makes his heart swell. 

Score one for the Payne’s, really.

He nips out for a cigarette and finds himself looking at his phone again now he’s in the quiet. “Fuck. Fucking bugger it,” he whispers to himself as he takes Louis off block and sends off a quick text, asking him if he got home alright. He doesn’t really expect anything back, though he kind of hopes that after the light night, Louis might be more accepting of Liam’s tentative attempts at conversation. 

He checks his phone again and again, and sighs a bit when nothing comes up over the rest of the night. 

There’s probably excuses for how long it’s taking. Liam isn’t sure that Louis needs one, no matter what he said about waiting. 

It doesn’t stop him from texting Louis again the next day, and the day after, nothing really, just mindless little things like “have a gr8 dayyyy!” and “fuckin cold innit! Hope you found ur gloves!” right up until Christmas Eve when he wishes Louis a happy birthday and a safe Christmas.

He can’t stop grinning when Louis’ text comes through of a christmas tree surrounded by a huge amount of presents piled high. There’s not too much in the way of text after, just a “happy christmas, Liam” but it warms his heart all the same.

Maybe.

Maybe.

: : :

 

Christmas is. . . well, it's interesting.

Dani rang him the week before and asked if he'd like to do Christmas morning at the house. That if he wanted, she'd like it if he spent Christmas Eve so he'd be there when the children woke up in the morning. Of course, he wouldn't be expected for lunch at her parents this year (it was always lunch at hers and dinner at his because Liam's parents had room for them all to stay the night so they could drink. Plus Liam's parents hated the idea of them being out on the road on Christmas.) Then he could take the kids for the night if he wanted, bring them back on Boxing Day or the day after if the weather's shit. 

Liam agrees to everything. Doesn't even ask if she's sure because this is the first time she's been accommodating to _him_ in the least. He isn't looking a gift horse in the mouth. 

He gets to the old house in time for dinner on Christmas Eve and even though it's awkward between him and Dani, the children more than make up for it with their excitement. They get rugged up after dinner, Dani's made their traditional store bought roast chicken sandwiches with some chips and a bit of salad that no one will eat apart from Liam. The same as it's always been every year. They wander a few of the streets and admire the lights, hoping against hope that this will be the year that the twins run themselves ragged and will sleep without having to have five different stories read to them. That hasn't worked since they were two so, Liam isn't expecting much. 

He and Dani don't really talk as they stop and look at house after house. It's not too awful though, which is more than he could have hoped for, considering their last in person conversation was her yelling in his face. He feels like they should talk about it, that he could explain more and maybe sort all of this between them before they are due in court in the new year. Still, he knows he's never been that good with words so he'll probably screw himself over further if he does, so he shuts up. He talks to Theo instead about his Jenny - which, after the Lights Night has lead to them "sort of becoming a thing, maybe," in Theo's own words. He chases after the girls a bit and when they get back to the house, he puts them to bed like he hasn't been able to do in much too long. It's easy then, to give in to reading to them chapter after chapter. To let his heart deflate and fill a bit that they're reading the first Harry Potter book now and he hasn't been there for that new development. 

Still, it gets him out of talking any further to Dani. She says goodnight at the door and says she'll see him in the morning. He feels this tension release in his body when he hears her door close, relaxes a bit further into Jules' bed while he tells them about Fluffy, the three headed dog. It's not long after Harry, Hermione and Ron are fighting off the Troll that he can hear Jules' little snores and Lilly's snuffles signalling that they're both asleep. He extricates himself carefully, doesn't bother putting Lilly in her own bed, just creeps down the hall to Theo's room and treads carefully around where Theo's got a trundle set up on the floor so Liam can have his bed and falls straight to sleep the moment his head hits Theo's pillow. 

The morning is easy with the girls and Theo waking him before the sun rises and he gets started on their breakfast like he has done the past ten years now since he became a father. Dani arrives a bit later, dressing gown wrapped tight around her body and her hair in a messy bun on her head. He hands her her tea and they set up camp on the sofa as it's Jules turn to hand out the presents under the tree this year. It could be anywhere in the past four years with how at ease they all seem right now. Liam takes photos and Dani holds the garbage bag that holds the wrapping once it's ripped off. The only difference this year being that he and Dani don't have presents for each other. 

He bids them farewell as they get ready for lunch at Dani's parents and he double checks what time Dani says she'll have them back so Liam can have his turn. 

He heads home with a smile on his face and it only grows brighter when a text comes in from Louis just after noon. He complains about his mother stuffing him with food and his gran stealing his wine because his mum cut her off. They banter back and forth a bit, and before Liam realises it, it's time to go back and get his kids. It feels sort of fitting that he's spent time with Louis - albeit written - on a day as special as today is. Louis and his kids and even Dani in the mix. It feels right. A little bit like it could have been if life were easy and not as bloody hard as it has become in the past twelve months.

When he gets to the house, Dani's got them ready to go, with gifts she's helped them buy for his family, which is a surprise, really. He'd thought she wouldn't have done anything, but she scoffs when she see's his face - his shock is probably written all over it - and hands him the gifts with a "say happy crimbo for me," before she heads back inside.

It gets easier after that.

Even Theo sings along to the relentless christmas music they listen to on the way to Liam's parents house. He's always stuck his head phones on in the past or whined about hearing it enough when they go out. It seems that the christmas spirit has struck more than just their mum. It feels like they're a bit like a proper family with all four of them belting out the lyrics to Michael Buble's "It's Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas." Liam is still left with his niggling question on why now Dani's being so good about him with the kids and that, but then he pulls into the drive and it's noise and laughter and more presents and he forgets.

They do spend christmas night at Liam's parents, a tight squeeze, considering bloody Ruth's chosen the holidays to move home for a bit after leaving her boyfriend. They make do, but Liam's not in the best of moods the next morning with the crick in his neck he's woken up with thanks to sleeping in his dad's easy chair. He texts Dani that they'll be back within the hour and packs the car as his mum tries to get the girls out of their pyjamas, which is difficult with Ruth stirring them up, chasing them about the house. He knows it's because she's missed them. Missed being a bigger part of their life and it hurts a bit when he thinks about that it wasn't just him that missed his children growing up this year. 

Really, their court date can't come quickly enough.

It's late after lunch and then some that they finally get on the road and the girls fall asleep after five minutes, which is a record considering it's only four in the afternoon. Ruth might have run them ragged a bit too much. It's nice though, gives Theo and Liam a chance to just sit and enjoy the silence. 

"I talked to mum," Theo says as they're at a stop light, waiting for it to turn green or Wham's "Last Christmas" to be over, whatever comes first.

"About what?" Liam asks, semi distracted by the song and the light traffic on the road.

"About you and Mr Tomlinson. About how I think he's really nice. That he makes you smile and that he thinks skateboards are cool, which, you know I want to learn how to ride one of those," 

Liam is still a bit shocked by everything Theo's so easily admitted to that the easiest part for his brain to comprehend is the last. "You on a skateboard? Why?" 

Liam sees his son shrug out the corner of his eye. "Jenny thinks skaters are cool and stuff. Thought it wouldn't hurt to try,"

Well, that's an explanation. But the rest? "What do you mean you talked to your mum about Lou - Mr Tomlinson? You only met him once," 

Theo shrugs again just as the light turns green and Liam drives on. "I've seen him at the girls' school, Dad. He's always nice to the kids and he stayed back with Lilly and Jules the day after Jules hurt her wrist because it hurt at the end of the day. It wasn't even his job, he just does that. Jenny's cousin is in his class this year, he talks about him all the time when I've been over for family dinner. Everyone loves Mr. Tommo."

Theo says all this like it's fact. Like he's not sort of rocking Liam's world with this news. 

"He's meant to do things like that, Theo. He's a teacher, a really good one," Liam says, turning the stereo down a little because he isn't sure this conversation is over yet. "What else did you tell your mum. . . she doesn't think I put you up to this, does she?" 

That's all he bloody needs. Dani with "evidence" that Louis' is involved in their lives more than Liam's even admitted to. This'll be his last christmas with the children. Maybe that's why she's been so bloody nice and forthcoming with all this _time_ he's had with them.

Liam's stomach drops through the floor, being left behind on the road somewhere.

"Dad, I'm young but not stupid. The girls told her about meeting Mr Tomlinson at the donkey ride and that you all watched the lights together because they begged. I just told her what I saw. I saw him smiling at you when you were talking to Lilly about the Santa on the stage being one of his helpers, not the real one. I saw how you looked at him when you thought he was watching the parade. I see things. Happens when you're quiet,"

Liam chuckles at that. He knows full well what you see when you're not speaking. When you have no one to really talk to. It's how he found the ducks at the pond, the quiet and the loneliness. It also might have lead him to Louis, one way or another. 

Though no one could ever call Louis quiet in any real sense of the word.

"I just, I don't want her to take us away from you. I don't want to have this be our last christmas, so I was trying to make her understand. You love us Dad, it's not fair that she gets to decide if we see you or not. It's not!" Theo says adamantly, shaking his head. His curls are loose today - as they have been for a while now - a product of Jenny probably with the timing and all - and they bounce around his head. 

Liam sighs, he knows this. He feels it himself and it sucks that he has to be the one walking the road of "things aren't always _fair_ in the real world." It sucks that he's the one that has to introduce his child to that. That it's now and not years down the line. He doesn't want Theo being completely idealistic by any means, but doesn't he really need to learn this truth so harshly at ten?

"I know everyone says this and you've heard it a lot lately, but it's not always easy, things like your mum and I splitting up. It's not easy with me and Mr Tomlinson, either." 

"I don't care if you become gay, Dad. You know that right? They say at school we should tell people that it's okay to be who they are, and if you decide you're gay then it's okay with me and the girls, Dad. Maybe Mum, but probably not for a bit. I think you've confused her with how happy you are with Mr Tomlinson. I think she would have liked you to date the girls' new teacher. She's really young and has big-"

" _Theo_ ," Liam admonishes, eyes big as he puts his foot down on the break, the rear end of the car in front coming awfully close.

Theo groans. "Oh no, Dad! Glasses, she's got really big glasses, so it makes her look smart or something. It's what Mum said."

Liam wonders if Dani knew Theo was listening and changed the words out for each other. Liam's met Miss Matthews and she really is the proud owner of a rather large set of baps. Liam still can admire them, even if his heart belongs elsewhere with someone who doesn't have tits.

"So I told her. I told her that you seemed happy and that I think she should let us see you more because it's discriminatory that you can't see us, but she can take us out to dinner with Jesse whenever she wants." Theo crosses his arms over his chest and Liam gets this flash of the future, Theo in his solicitor's get up, pleading his case to the magistrate and winning.

If only Theo could give some sort of speech at the hearing, it might go in Liam's favour. 

"Jesse still around, is he?" Liam asks, because Theo mentioned him and because of everything going on between them, Liam hadn't thought to ask if Dani got to keep the new love in her life. Even if Liam didn't.

Even if it were Liam's choice.

"Not much," Theo says with a yawn. It's been a long day for him, too, as he rubs at his eyes. "He stopped after Mum found out you were with Mr Tomlinson. Said that she wasn't being fair,"

"Theo, you really do have to stop eavesdropping on your mum's conversations, it's well. . . right now it's helpful, but it's not polite," Liam uses as strict of a voice as he can even though everything Theo's come out with is circling in his mind.

"I know. I'll try," Theo says, then his phone buzzes and Liam loses him to text and photos and whatever it is that Jenny's sending him now. 

It isn't long anyway, that they're pulling up in front of the family house and Liam's shoving Theo out to go let his mum know they're back. Dani comes out with Theo and they take the bags inside as Liam gets the girls unbuckled. He takes Jules and Dani takes Lilly and they catch up on presents and goings on in the last two days as they head up the stairs, settling the girls into their beds. Liam feels awful for leaving without saying goodbye, but honestly, he's pretty bloody lucky to have the time he has had with them so he tries to quash it down.

He's just about to get back in the car and go when Dani's calling his name and bounding out the front door toward him. This is it, this is when she pulls out some new bloody court thing or letter of some sort that fucks Liam over some more. He isn't sure what else she could throw at him but now would be the time to do it. Now when he's lulled into this false sense of security with how lovely she's been about the holidays and Liam spending time with his children. 

"Li, I wanted to talk to you for a minute, if that's alright?" she asks, tucking her hair behind her ear as she tucks the ends of her blue cardi over her fingers. 

He nods, leaning back against the car door as she stamps her feet a bit. It's getting bloody cold again now the little sunlight they'd had during the day is disappearing behind cloud cover again. 

"I've been doing a lot of thinking, yeah? I've had a lot of time recently to really think about what's going on between us. The boy I fell in love with. The boy I married. The man I built a life with," she pauses, breathing in deep. "How it all went wrong. My part in it. My part in how ugly it's become since."

"Dani," Liam starts, because it all isn't completely on her. He knows this. He let what they had fall away and never did anything about it earlier when he could have. Should have.

"No, it's fine. I know when I've been a bitch and I've been truly bloody awful to you, Liam. To our kids. I reacted so badly to you being with someone else and I know it was partially because it was another man and I couldn't help think about what people in town would say. If it would affect my job or the kids in the long run. But mostly, mostly it pissed me off that someone else could so easily make you happy when I had tried for so long before I gave up. I gave up on caring about your happiness and concentrated on my own way before you and I even talked about getting this divorce." She's wiping at her eyes a bit, shaking with the bitter cold breeze that's blown up, but she carries on all the same.

"I wanted to hurt you, I suppose. Hurt you for being happy, which is utterly ridiculous, so when I told my parents about you being with some bloke, I didn't try and talk them around when they started going on about how you must have been having an affair. That you were probably gay from when we met and that I was just this cover so you could have children. So you could lie to yourself. You know what my dad's like Liam. He's so bloody old fashioned that he wouldn't even let me get my ears pierced, remember?" she asks with a raised brow. Liam nods. He remembers how her dad stared at him when he ordered a beer at lunch once because it had only just gone eleven thirty and it wasn't "proper." 

"Had to do them in secret for my twenty first and even now his nose twitches if I wear those dangly earrings you and the children bought for me two birthdays ago. I'm not saying he's right but it's him and it was so easy to let him take charge. To let him talk to his lawyer and for them to make me think that you having the kids less would be for the best." She steps forward and her hand is on his arm before he realises that's what she was doing. 

"And II'm so sorry about it. I am. I'm sorry that I thought hurting you would make me feel better about it all. That saying all those hurtful, horrible things about you and Louis was ever going to erase the near jealousy, I suppose, that someone else could make you smile like you did when we were young. You do that, you know? I could tell when you were thinking of Louis before I knew it was him. You did the same smile at me when we were young." She grins up at him soft and Liam smiles back. He knows what she's talking about. Still doesn't take the sting away from her admitting to all of this.

"I never cheated on you, you have to know that, Dani," Liam says, licking his lips. "I met him at one of Harry's parties and I didn't even know what he did for a job up until like the month before my birthday. I never even put together that he was the one the girls went on and on about last year,"

She nods. "I know. I know that. I think I just didn't want to admit that I was jealous of how happy you were. How easy it seemed for you to fall in love or that maybe, maybe you'd never loved me at all, if you could fall so hard for someone so fast."

Liam's mouth falls open in shock. "I loved you. I loved you for so long and I still love you now, just differently. I mean, you've bloody broken me in the past few months, Dani. Taking away my kids hurt. It made me fuck up the one new good thing in my life. I never thought you could be as mean as you have been. You know your mum basically told my parents that they'd raised a deviant. That they'd 'try' and get them some time with their grandchildren, even if I was some pillow biting poofter?"

Liam's not shouting, but he's shaking with how much he's feeling right now. Part of him can understand what she's trying to get across. But mostly, he's so bloody annoyed that she could make decisions about his life, his children's lives like this. So fucking easily like flicking a switch instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt.

"You say you think I was never in love with you, but how do you think I felt that night that you accused me of cheating on you? Accused me of being a liar for the entire time we'd been together when I'd bloody loved you from before I even knew your name at school? I stuck with you, Dani, when you found out you were pregnant, and not just because it was the right thing to do, because it was part of that, but it was mostly because I loved you so much I knew that we'd be fine. That it would work out. Naive, yeah? But who wouldn't be at sixteen? Who wouldn't be when you've heard nothing but love stories all your life and then you find this girl and it's like you're bloody living one. I gave you _everything_ when we were together and you tore it all apart the minute I walked out the door."

She's wrapped her arms around herself now and there's tears already spilling down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Liam. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry for what I said and I'm sorry about all the shit that's gone on this year and I'm truly sorry about what I've done for you and the kids. I know, I know you wanted to see them more and that you thought changing your job would do that and I kept them with me, because I knew it would hurt you. I don't. . . I don't want full custody. I don't want that at all. I went along with it when they suggested it because I was still so fucking angry at myself and you and I wanted to hurt you and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." 

Liam reaches out and wraps his arms around her tentatively. This used to be so easy once. Giving comfort to this woman and the fact that he does it near automatically should feel wrong at this stage, but they have history. And he wasn't lying, he'd loved her. Once.

She cries on his shoulder for a bit before sniffing a bit and rocking back out of his touch. She rubs at her eyes and Liam wipes at his own - always been so easy with his emotions or reflecting those around him. "Theo talked to me," she says. 

Liam wonders how much of the same conversation he had with Theo in the car today was akin to that which he had with his mother. 

"He talked to me too," he says and Dani nods with a small grin. "Big ears on that one," Liam adds and Dani laughs then.

"I've got to pay more attention when he's around and got his headphones in. I think that's how he overheard so much. I wasn't exactly worried about him listening in when I was on the phone,"

"Still, put it all together, didn't he. Really is quite clever, our son," Liam says and Dani nods in agreement. 

"He is. He is," She takes this deep stuttering breath before she speaks again. Eyes focused on Liam. "I'm going to call my lawyers tomorrow. I'll get this all sorted, yeah? I'll tell them I want it over quick and I want us to have the kids as equally as we can and we'll split the rest. We'll sell the house and sort this out proper,"

"You don't have to sell the house, Dani. We're still not finished paying off your parents for it yet," Liam reminds her and she sighs.

"Well, we'll work out our money a bit better. I've been taking advantage of you, Li, I can work more at the school and we can split up the school care and such. I don't know. I just want it to be fair and I want to stop hurting you and the kids by keeping you apart." She looks serious. Liam isn't completely sure if he should trust her on this, but he can at least see how earnest she is reflected in her eyes.

It lights a spark in his chest that feels like hope.

He doesn't tamp it down. Not this time.

: : :

 

He's seeing Louis tonight. 

Harry invited him out to spend New Years at his father's farmhouse out in Solihul. It takes about an hour to get out there, but Liam doesn't mind. He's in good company with Niall driving and Harry being relegated to the back twenty minutes in for touching Niall's stereo. The house has six bedrooms and another in the cottage and room in the barn for sleeping bags and such if people don't want to make the drive home. Harry's assured him that he's got a bedroom though, which Liam is thankful for. 

The drive in is sort of awe inspiring with the grounds covered in a layer of white, the driveway lined with these big old trees that in spring would make this a sort of green tunnel, Liam's guessing. They pull in around the front to get the bags out and it's. . . it's a fucking mansion is what it is. 

Liam says as much when he steps out of the car and looks up and along and it's like the bloody thing never ends.

"Yeah, it's pretty big," Harry answers, scratching at his head, hand disappearing under the wool lined cap Niall brought him back from Ireland (Liam had heard all about it in the car). "Dad's into horses now. Miniature ones. Says they’re the next big thing. I think he's mental but," Harry shrugs, turning toward the boot to help Niall get out one of the three bags Harry's brought just for himself. 

Still, Liam's a bit gobsmacked. He knew Harry had money. Knew about the pubs and the B&B in Hereford, the race horse he has a part ownership in with his cousins but. . . seeing it like this? The money Harry comes from? It's a bit much.

Then Harry falls over his own feet and ends up pulling a chortling Niall into the gravel with him and well. . . he's still Harry. 

He's still Harry and he's invited Louis and Louis and Liam haven't stopped texting on and off all week and Liam's really, really happy that he's coming tonight. He doesn't expect anything, not with this possibility of Dani sorting the whole custody thing out. He can't afford to expect anything but. . . it'll be nice just to see Louis again. It feels like a forever since they've been in the same place, and now it's about to be a new year and well. . . what's the saying about seeing the New Year in doing what you want to do for the rest of it? If that somehow manages to feature Louis, Liam will be happy with that.

: : :

 

It's getting closer and closer to midnight and Liam's trying not to feel upset but he does. He hasn't seen Louis since he came in earlier, flanked by a few lads that Liam doesn't remember from some of Harry's parties he's been to before. There's one with short dark hair that has gazed pointedly in Liam's direction a few times when they've passed each other at the makeshift bar, but apart from that, he's not even had a chance to say hi to Louis at all. There's no bloody reception out here on his phone and because of that Liam isn't sure what his best course of action is. Louis had said yesterday that he'd talk to Liam at Harry's party and now well, it's half ten and Louis' been here since nine and nothing. 

Not even a bloody wave or one of those laddy head nods in Liam's direction. 

Liam's not lonely though, or alone. He's talked music and cars with Ed for a bit - Ed's got engine trouble and Liam actually knows a bit about cars now. He danced with Nick for a bit between sets and Nick even made him have a go at spinning some records before Harry noticed and pouted about not being allowed to touch _ever_ himself. He caught up with Aimee and Ian and congratulated them on their recent wedding in New York, looking over pictures on Ian's phone. Daisy tugged him on the dance floor and Niall's cousin Willie (home for Christmas) forced him to play billiards, which Liam's never played in his life, but seems to be good at considering how he's one seven games in a row. 

It's where he is now, looking up at the clock on the wall and feeling out of sorts that he still hasn't had any time with Louis. Hasn't had Louis' attention at all. 

Maybe he should have expected it. Maybe the friends thing was all in name and when it came down to it, Louis didn't want to forgive him. Didn't need Liam in his life.

He's pouting, he knows he is, as he leans over to take his next shot. He's got three choices that he can see and as he makes one, lines the cue up and misses his shot completely when he feels a hot breath at his ear. A presence at his back.

"You'll not make it."

Liam's shot goes wide and he shoves a bit at Louis behind him, sending Louis cackling. The smile on Liam's face is proper though, when he turns and takes in Louis, still rubbing at his hip from where Liam caught him with the cue. 

"Would have if you didn't bloody blow in my ear," Liam says and Louis shrugs, tipping his beer at Declan - the lad Liam had been about to win ten quid from. 

"Maybe," Louis says, tucking his shirt over the cap, leaving quite the strip of smooth, golden skin on show as he grips the top and twists it off. "We'll never know,"

He hears Declan and his mates cheer and well, that's that then. His game and winning streak are over. Liam walks around and shakes his hand and is about to see if he can win his money back, but Louis interrupts. He's got his arm around Liam's shoulders as he says, "Sorry lads, I need this one now," 

It shouldn't make Liam smile as much as it does, or his cheeks heat to a ridiculous glow he _knows_ the warmth of the barn or the drinks he’s had won’t explain away. It’s probably because that reason and the fact that he’s missed Louis that he lets Louis drag him away. He finds his hand in Louis not long after they step through the crowd and Liam shivers as Louis leads him out the door and to where Harry’s set up a bunch of tables for the die hard smokers that are braving the freezing temperatures outdoors. Harry’s got a bunch of those heater things out and a few braziers, so it’s not all that bad, until the wind picks up, whipping round the side of the barn and near bringing an arctic chill with it. 

Louis moves them on to a bit that’s covered a bit more and leans against the wall, finally dropping Liam’s hand and lighting a cigarette that he digs out from somewhere in the bloody tight black jeans he’s got on. Liam may have had quite the view of Louis’ perfect bum when he was being dragged about. Louis shakes his pack in Liam’s direction and he takes one from the pack, figuring it’ll at least give him something to do while they’re out here.

He leans back against the wall beside Louis, shoulders pressed close because Liam’s crouched down a bit further. Louis holds out the lighter and Liam leans in, sparking up and breathing out to the sky above. It’s the clearest night and maybe it’s because they’re in the middle of bloody nowhere that it seems like the stars are bigger, brighter. Feels like he could reach out and touch them. 

They smoke quietly together for a bit and it’s not awkward, but it’s not really all that comfortable either. Liam hasn’t quite told Louis about what Dani mentioned. He’s said that she’s changed her mind on a few things and that he’s hopeful about his court case, but he doesn’t want to build his own hopes up until it’s set in stone. He’s a bit nervous of what Louis would say to it anyway.

Liam can still hear Louis saying it’s not his choice if Louis wants to wait but. . . .

Liam doesn’t like to bank on maybes. Not anymore.

“I’ve got a confession to make,” Louis says, stamping the end of his cigarette out beneath a pair of blue trainers. He steps off the wall and turns, hands shoved into the front pocket of his hoodie. It’s a black one, well, one of the many of Louis’ that’s more “sparkle” than colour. He never could figure out how to separate his wash proper.

Louis looks up through his soft fringe and grins enough that Liam can make out one of his pointy teeth. “I may have been ignoring you a bit tonight.”

“Really,” Liam says, blowing out a long stream of smoke above his head. He’d forgotten how blue Louis’ eyes are too, being this close, one of the barn sensor lights over head shining perfectly over where Louis is stood. It’s easier looking away from Louis than dead on. 

“A little bit. You’ve been popular, though. I saw you dancing with Nick and Daisy. Saw you chatting with Ed, too.” 

Liam shrugs, focuses his gaze on where it’s possible that a couple are snogging the life out of each other one one of the deckchairs someone’s dragged out earlier about ten feet away. They’re a little in the dark but, Liam’s sure he can hear some sort of moaning that isn’t the strains of Fleetwood Mac coming from inside. Harry must have convinced Nick to throw it in the mix. It gets cut through with something with a heavier beat and Liam can imagine Nick cackling about it inside. 

“Saw you when you came in, I didn’t say hi either,” Liam adds because it’s true. 

“Yeah but, I hid a little bit. Like, got some beer and smoked up with Niall’s cousin. . . do you know Willie’s turned the sauna into a bloody hot box? Like a literal hot box. It’s steamy as fuck in there, but the wood they’re burning is laced with green. It’s actually quite brilliant.” Louis shakes himself and takes a step closer to Liam. “But like, that’s not what I wanted to tell you. I’ve been ignoring you,”

Liam nods, stamping his own cigarette out. “You said,”

“I did,” Louis steps closer still, his hand coming out to touch on the back of Liam’s wrist. “You don’t know why though, do you,”

God, this is worse than talking to Harry when he’s fucking high as a kite and then some. He’s been around Louis drunk before and they’ve smoked up a bit together but not all that much. Louis’ always mindful of when he has work and recovery before a Monday. This is a lot.

“Louis, how long were you in that sauna for?” Liam asks, a tad concerned. He catches himself before his outstretched hand can cup the side of Louis’ face. Before he can make a fool of himself for caring by the sounds of things. 

“A while. Not long. Maybe an hour or so on and off. I lost my watch. My baby sisters bought it for me. I hope Harry can find it tomorrow,” Louis says and he’s frowning but then stops, shaking his head and slapping at his cheeks a bit, blinking hard. “Christ, I had this planned, yeah? And then fucking Stan drags me into smoking a bit to take the edge off and Niall and his bloody cousin talk me into a drinking game that I _still_ don’t understand the rules of, probably why I lost, and then you. You with just. Your face. Your arms. I really do love your arms,” Louis says, eyes following the way his hand is stroking up over Liam’s arm, resting on his shoulder.

“Louis, maybe you can tell me whatever it is later. We could dance or something, yeah? It’s nearly tomorrow. Nearly a whole new year. It can-“

“It can’t wait! Not a whole year, Liam,” Louis interrupts, pushing at Liam until he’s back against the wall. “I want you to tell me. I want you to tell me that you want me and that you still do even if we have to stage an all out war to get your kids back. I want you to tell me that you think we’re worth trying for,”

He’s blinking at Liam and it’s nothing. . . it’s nothing like what Liam expected. He thought maybe Louis had brought him out here to tell him how crap he is for lying to him. That Harry’s mates are his mates by proxy, and Liam shouldn’t even _be_ here. Liam’s always been one to think the worst.

“I want, Liam whatever your middle name is, wait, do you have a middle name?” Louis asks, head tilted near adorably to the side as he has both hands on Liam’s shoulders now.

He’s so close Liam can smell the weed, scotch and coke on his breath. It makes Liam lick at his own lips before he answers with a curt nod. “James.”

Louis’ eyes widen as he guffaws. “James? That’s the same as Nialler! What’s the chances of that! Like, of all the names it’s just. . . wait,” Louis says, browns pinching together as his fingertips grip tight over Liam’s jacket. He’s a bit immune to the cold now they’ve been out here so long, but he can feel Louis’ touch through the leather like it’s skin on skin. 

“I was telling you. A thing.”

“You were. Something about staging a war?” Liam says, his heart feels like it’s beating a bit too fast, his blood bubbling a bit like a fizzy drink under his skin. Louis’ words are laced with possibilities that Liam really didn’t think he’d get. Didn’t think he deserved after what he'd done.

"Yes!" Louis shouts, slapping his hands excitedly against Liam's chest. "A war, like. We could even go on the run with them if you want. Live in Spain or something. Anywhere. I just. I miss you all the time and I hate that you thought you couldn't tell me the truth and I really like your kids, even your boy. I want you to choose me. Be honest with me. Because I want that for us. I want us to start this year out with no lies, no leaving out shit to protect the other one because in case you forgot to notice, I'm actually capable of handling myself." Louis stops, a hand coming up to cover his mouth as his shoulders shift a bit. "Maybe not all of those shots, but my feelings, I'm good with. I'm a fucking great boyfriend, Liam _James_ Payne! You'd be bloody lucky to have me." 

"I would," Liam answers and fuck, fuck it. Fuck waiting for the lawyers and the bloody court. Fuck waiting for perfect timing because there isn't such a thing. There's here and now and a year ahead of possibilities because Louis wants it and Liam does too.

He's so bloody _in_.

"Because I would be, yeah? I mean I showed you a bit, that chicken parm I made you that you didn't. Even. Eat." Louis prods at him with a bony finger and it hurts but Liam can't stop smiling. He can't.

"I do other things, too! Like, I might forget to separate clothes from our towels and things but, they _sparkle_ , right?" 

Liam doesn't say a word. He could lift the bottom of his jeans up and show Louis the set of socks on his feet he found the mate to sparkling in black with white fluff. 

Louis' is swaying a bit but he manages to right himself, poking at Liam with that finger once more. It's hurting a bit, but Liam's too enamored by Louis and his reasons to make him stop. 

"And this may just sound like I'm a tiny bit shit at things, but I'm good at things, too! I'm good at making you smile, and I'm good at listening to you, and I'm good at making you do things that you think you're not ready for, and I'm good at loving you. If you didn't get that." 

"I did. I do," Liam answers quick because Louis' cheeks are turning even more red and his eyes widen a fraction of a second after he says that he _loves_ Liam, not loved, _loves_. Liam can't have him thinking that Liam doesn't feel it right back in return. He fucking loves Louis and his stupid drunk pointy finger, and his blue blue eyes, and his pointy teeth, and his amazing bum and his big, big heart. He loves Louis. He does.

"Do what?" Louis says, poking at Liam once more but Liam stops him from doing any more damage - there'll be a bruise there tomorrow - by grabbing at his finger, holding it tight in his fist. 

"Love you. I love you and I want us to make a go of this. Even if things go pear shaped with the court case. It's only one. We can try again and again. I don't think we'll have to though. I want to introduce you to my children properly and I want to make my dad slightly uncomfortable with the way you can't control your bloody hands when we're in public. I want my mum to blush when you say something nice to her because you're good with people. I want you in my life, Louis. If that's something you still want,"

"Good," Louis says, his head wobbling a bit on his neck as he shoves at Liam, a bit out of breath like he had more planned for this conversation and Liam's sort of ended it a bit too fast.

Liam finds himself smirking a bit. "Good that I want that or. . . ." Liam leads off.

Louis falls against Liam, there hands trapped between them. His breath is hot on Liam's neck but he can feel the smile on Louis' lips. "Good. Just. Good."

They stay like that for a bit and Liam can't stop grinning up at the sky. He's got Louis basically draped on him like a blanket and they're not saying a word, but it's the best Liam's felt all night. Best he's felt in a long time. There's a shout and then counting start and Louis shifts, tipping his head back. Liam looks down and Louis' is gazing right back up at him with that smile Liam could feel on his skin shining bright, echoing in his eyes and he looks so happy. So happy.

"You better be kissing me by the time they get to one," he says, raising a brow. 

"Well I'd rather be kissing you than talking for the rest of the year ahead," Liam says, a sincerity to his tone that's a little lost by the grin he can't wipe from his face.

"I don't know, we seem to-" 

Liam cuts him off with a kiss a second before the crowd shouts Happy New Year.

Well timed, really.

: : :

 

It's the first proper sunny day of the summer holidays and they're having a picnic at the park, ducks or no ducks. It was Louis' job to bring the cooler filled with drinks from home and he forgot, which meant Liam had to double back and grab them once he unloaded the girls bikes and Theo's skateboard as well as the picnic rugs. 

By the time he gets back, carrying the heavy cooler in his arms, everyone's arrived. He hears a laugh and his eyes are drawn to Louis and Theo over on the path that leads around the swingset. Theo's got all manner of safety gear on except his bloody helmet - completely Louis doing Liam's sure - his hands on Louis' shoulders as Louis is explaining something by the looks of things. Theo slips and slides a bit, but he's getting a lot better on his skateboard now that he and Louis have every other weekend to work on it. Liam loves watching when Louis shows Theo a trick or two. The way he bends and moves so fluidly around corners is something to behold. Especially when he sticks his arse out to turn. . . Liam's always been overly fond of Louis' behind. 

There's excited squeals coming from the swing set, followed by "Higher, Uncle Zayn! Niall's made Lilly touch the sky, I want to touch the sky, too!" Jules voice rises above the mostly quiet of the park, it's sure to fill soon what with the weather and all. It's why they organised to have this a bit earlier than the other meetups they've had in the past few months. It's tricky trying to juggle all his family obligations with those of his friends, the family he's chosen to add to the one he made himself. He gets to the bench where the plates have been set up, everyone bringing something to share. Liam's excited to see that Zayn's had another go at making his mum's samosas, Liam and Theo can't get enough of them. Neither can Niall, so Liam's going to have to grab one the moment he sets this bloody thing down or he'll miss out. 

Perrie's lying on the grass a little out of the sun and mostly on what looks like Zayn's leather jacket. The good one. The one Liam was never allowed to touch. She's got her hand on her stomach and if Zayn hadn't of sworn him to secrecy, he'd ask her how she was feeling, if she wanted some of the plain crackers he packed just for her because he remembers the all day morning sickness that Dani had with the twins. He might just go leave them near her in case. 

"Took you long enough, Liam!" Harry says, taking the cooler from his arms with what looks like an ease that Liam still isn't sure how he has, considering how bloody clumsy he is in general with his feet. 

"Louis' fault. He didn't lock up Loki properly, either, so I had to chase him around the front and then fix the hole in the gate because he's dug his way out again." Liam shakes his head, taking the beer that Harry offers him straight from the cooler. He takes a long pull before continuing. "Don't know why I have to look after the dog that Dani bought the children just because they're at my house."

Harry snorts, adjusting the ridiculously large blue hat on his head. "Yeah, but you love that dog Liam. Louis' told me how you have a picture of it instead of him as your wallpaper background the minute Dani brought the thing over." 

Liam shrugs. He might do. But Louis and the kids at Brighton Pier the first weekend they went away together as his lock screen so. . . they're all represented. Mostly equally. 

There's a loud flapping overhead and Liam looks up, a family of brown ducks fly past. Liam watches them for a moment, before returning his gaze to the park. Louis' clapping as Theo lands one of those kick flip things or something where he flips the board entirely over. He's been working on that for months now, giving Louis a high five once he realises what he's done. 

"What are you smiling at?" Harry asks and Liam shrugs. He hadn't even realised he had been.

"Nothing, just happy. Just happy." 

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has been a labour of love/hate on and off since the begining of 2013. It would NEVER have been completed without my sweet potato, my brit, my moo and so it's for them really (and my OT5 because they listen to me whine. all. the. time.)
> 
> Thanks for reading! xx 
> 
> oh and i'm on tumblr [HERE](http://www.slightlytotheleft.tumblr.com) if you need to shout at me or anything...


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